It only took me about six hours to figure out how to use my new blender and about half that time to realize I shouldn't be sticking my hand in it when it's running, so I was pretty confident in my ability to figure out some simple street magic. I had seen plenty of it on television, none of which ever impressed or fooled me, so I was kind of excited to see his tricks and point out the secrets to the viewing audience while at the same time making myself look uncharacteristically clever.
When the cameras turned on he went through a rehearsed diatribe about how most magicians will use simple trickery to perform their feats, but he was different because he used real magic instead of slight of hand. His abilities, he claimed, were taught to him by an elderly guru who spent most of his life living in a cave perfecting the ancient art of sorcery and shitting in a bucket. The guru taught the magician all his secrets over the course of a year then passed away unexpectedly after being smothered by a pillow.
The illusion he performed was simple enough; he took a small orange ball made of foam and held it in his right hand, opening the left hand he placed the ball on his palm and closed his fist around it. Saying the word "abracadabra" he then opened his hand to reveal the ball had disappeared, and just to show it was not in his other hand, he also opened that one allowing me to see it was empty.
I can honestly say without any hyperbole it was the most incredible thing I've seen since Joel Osteen mooned me at a baseball game. It was so shocking to my psyche that I immediately started screaming to Jesus to protect me from the devil spawn that stood before me. My bladder gave out, my body began to shake, I even felt something in my mind snap like a garter belt on a hippo, and was sure I would pass out, or black-out, or vomit, or whatever it is people do when confronted by pure evil.
Now, I understand that most magicians are friendless nerds who spend years of their life honing the craft of deception in order to impress women who would otherwise want nothing to do with them, but I have also read all the Harry Potter books, so I know that real magicians do exist in the world. Some of them are good (like Pinkie Pie and Lilli the Witch) while others are pure evil (Saruman and Penn Jillette). The good ones smell like taffy and dance with unicorns, while the evil ones cast spells and cause toe fungus. The man who stood before me belonged to the second category.
I would even go so far as to call this freak of nature a "Demon." And not the weird kind that gets inside of little girls and makes them walk like a crab, but the spooky and deceptive kind that prowls the streets at night spreading evil and frightening innocent people like myself with their hocus-pocus and voodoo. And what is my rational for this charge? It's simple...I have no idea how he did the trick!
If someone smart like me, who graduated high school on the fist try and reads up to one book a year, is unable to figure out how that ball vanished, it must mean it was not just simple trickery, but real witchcraft performed by someone working for Satan himself, or at the very least, Skeletor.
What people fail to realize, or purposefully suppress, is that demon's of all sorts are lurking about our streets at night with the intent of stealing our soul, and sometimes our hubcaps. They may pretend to be friendless nerds in top hats and capes, but they are in fact creatures of the netherworld, sent to earth with the express purpose of terrifying the human populace with card tricks and coin manipulation.
Their kind have been around since the dawn of last week, and have been responsible for all the wickedness known to man, except for waterless urinals, that one was KOHLER's fault.
And what, you may ask, is the point of this story? There isn't one, but if there was it would probably be to warn the public that every time you see the unexplainable, weather that be a floating apparition or someone voting for Hillary Clinton, it may not be a figment of your imagination. It may in fact be the spawn of Satan attempting to deceive you into thinking he's just one of the guys so that he can lull you into a state of false security before chopping your head off and sucking your soul out through the neck hole.
Or it could just be that I was bored off my ass and felt like writing some silly shit. You decide.