This brilliant bit of insight flashed upon my muddled mind just last month causing me to begin an in depth eleven minute study of the internet in an attempt to learn weather or not it was possible to exist for any significant period of time on sunlight alone.
The concept revolves around the idea that humans have reached a point in evolution where they no longer need to consume animal or plant products to survive, instead they need only to stand in the sun all day where they absorb all the nutrients their body needs to survive. It's also a very good way to loose excess weight, develop a kick ass tan, and save money on cutlery.
Aside from those listed, there are so many benefits to living off of sunlight that I decided to become a Breatharian myself, but only for a short period of time since I love peanut butter cups and pussy far too much to ever quit eating them.
Friends of mine called me misguided and foolish for believing this would actually work, and in retrospect they were correct, but at the time I started this how could I possibly have known food was so important for survival? I didn't go to any fancy medical school or read books with more words than pictures, so its not my fault for being misinformed.
The experiment lasted half a day before I caved in to my animal instincts and ate an entire banana cream pie while weeping with joy on the kitchen floor. I realize that makes me sound frail and weak, but in my defence I was really hungry and kinda feeling light headed from not only standing in the sun all day, but wrapping myself in tinfoil as well, which I believed would help amplify the suns nutrients (It did not).
As luck would have it I was intuitive enough to keep a detailed journal of my adventures in Breatharianism. The negative effects of the sun on my mind are evident as the journal advances, but most of the side effects I suffered have disappeared (except for remembering how to count), and I am healthy and happy once more.
I offer up these, my inner most thoughts, as a warning to those whose intellect is as clouded as mine was, and pray that you never attempt such a foolish experiment without first talking to a qualified psychic or someone that's read a book on biology.
8:04am - Just finished eating my last breakfast. 2 eggs, 3 strips of bacon, 4 sausages, 2 french toast, 1 pint of Guinness, 4 hits from the bong, and a half an orange. And so it begins.
8:58am - Finally finished cleaning up after breakfast. Breatharians must have so much extra time to enjoy the things in life they love since they don't spend two thirds of every day cooking pork rinds and cleaning grease from the ceiling. If I had all that extra time I think I would end world hunger and invent a cloud seeding machine that could eradicate drought forever, but I guess that'll never happen since I'm wasting my life away in the kitchen.
9:46am - Been on the toilet for twenty minutes now. I'm going to save so much money on toilet paper and plungers when I become a true Breatharian that I can finally have my beard professionally trimmed.
Toilet paper is weird. I buy this stuff just so I can wipe shit on it and throw it away. Reminds me of my ex-girlfriends.
10:14am - Oh, crap. I'm starting to get hungry. Here we go. The sun is shinning, the sky is clear, my neighbour is in the back yard planting flowers in a bikini, its time to absorb some nutrients from the sun.
10:23am - This lawn chair hurts my ass.
11:57am - Somethings wrong. I've been laying in the sun for hours now and I'm still hungry. I'm going to go buy some aluminum foil and wrap myself up in it to increase the suns power. Maybe I should look for a giant magnifying glass as well. I bet that'll work.
12:51pm - I think the aluminum foil I bought was used. I've been wrapped in it for about thirty minutes now and when I first put it on everything seemed fine, but the longer I wear it the more it begins to smell like cooked meat. Not sure of the type of meat, maybe lizard of some kind, or even Jawa, either way it stinks.
1:10pm - Not feeling satiated yet, I wish I had something to eat. NO! STOP! The sun is your food now and you will like it. I will like it. The sun is my food, now shut up and enjoy your photons.
I don't feel so good. Its hot.
1:48pm - My mustache is droopy, that doesn't ever happen to me. I've trained this thing for years to remain firm and unyielding no matter what the conditions, but here, now, my massive rivulets of face juice have caused a once noble mustache to withered and bend. Fuck, its hot. Fuck, its hot. Fuck its hot. Fuck, its hot. Tot, its fuck.
2:17pm - I am so smart. Well, not really, but in this case I think I pretty clever. For the last five minutes I've been dumping baby powder into the openings on my wrinkly aluminum suit and it actually seem to be alleviating much of the discomfort. That's the second thing I learned about baby powder today, the first being its not actually made from real babies.
2:59pm - I finally understand Jesus' pain.
The baby powder is no longer effective, I'm so hungry I want to punch someone in the face, and I think I burned out one of my retinas staring at the reflection of the sun on my crotch. WHY AM I SO HUNGRY? WHOS STUPID FUCKING IDEA WAS THIS? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOD DAMN BREATHARIANISM ANYWAY? I want to die.
4:53pm - Its soooo hot. I think my skin is starting to peel off, maybe I should remove the aluminum foil.
Not drinking water while sitting in the hot sun all day sure makes you thirsty. Who knew?
5:02pm - Well, removing the foil was a bad idea, or maybe putting it on in the first place was the bad idea. I wonder how long it takes for skin to grow back?
5:36pm - Okay, I've scraped most of the skin off the foil and rolled it up in a ball. When I'm done with all this nonsense I'll take it to a dermatologist and have it put back on my body. Maybe I can have them put the skin from my feet on to my face, and vice versa, that way I wont have to shave anymore. Wait, that means I'll have to shave my feet. This sucks. I have a headache.
6:12pm - The neighbours are barbecuing. I want to kill them.
7:14pm - Why does the sun seem to be going away? I'm not even full yet. According to Breatharianism logic, after sitting in the sun all day I should be filled with energy, my stomach should be full, and my skin should have a lustrous shine to it. I don't feel like that at all, as a matter of fact I feel like I should be calling a doctor! I'm beginning to think that maybe Breatharianism is a bunch of shit.
My hair is starting to fall out.
8:00pm - Been lancing water blisters with a paperclip for the last ten minutes. It sounds more fun than it actually is.
9:48pm - The sun is gone....along with my skin, my self respect, and 14 dollars in aluminum foil.
I am not happy.
Fuck those stupid, light eating, jerk-wads, everything I read on the internet is a lie. Luckily, I'm certain that no one other than my friends, family, and co-workers will call me an idiot for believing this garbage.
I knew I should have checked my astrology chart before getting into this bullshit.