Our systems were not designed for a modern diet. Almost everything we eat that does not spring from the dirt or is hacked off the ass of an animal, causes toxins to form in the large intestine, which then causes stagnation to occur. Stagnation turns the normally healthy slop that lines our large intestine into unhealthy slop, which eventually releases all sorts of harmful pollutants that are absorbed into the system.
This contamination is said to cause everything from non lethal disorders such as fatigue and loss of appetite, to far more sever problems like Acute Onset Canckles, and Mangina Syndrome.
Not only that, the build up of poop grease on the walls of the intestine also increases the chances of constipation. Hardened feces can accumulate for months on the walls of the large intestine and block it from eliminating your bum mud, which then creates the possibility of even more toxins entering your system.
The kinds of toxins removed by using this procedure have never been made clear to me. When I questioned Dan as to what kind of toxins he was referring to I got the same answer I receive when asking girls in the bar for their phone number, "Don't be stupid."
This lack of clarity should have been a warning sign to me, however since number 11 on my bucket list is "invasive rectal procedure," and Dan was willing to loan me his portable colon cleanser, I decided to ignore my better judgement and shove his dirty tube up my ass.
Modern state-of-the-art colon hydrotherapy equipment employ's a multistage water purification systems, a drain line to dispose of feces, and a lighted viewing chamber to watch your toxic turds as they are flushed from your rear-end. Dan's equipment however, was in no way state-of-the-art.
It looked like something used to make poop lattes, with a long discolored hose sticking from the top of it's clear plastic holding tank. Connected to the end of the hose was a smooth, silver object, approximately the size and shape of a bowling pin, which was used for insertion in the rectum.
I don't know much about anything, but I do know that something that size was not getting inside my butt without a great deal of lubricant and some sexy pillow talk. Luckily, Dan also provided a half used jar of Vaseline and a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey, to get me in the mood.
The type of water used in colonic irrigation is also very important. Tap water should be avoided since it contains chlorine which can destroy some of the healthy bacteria that live in your poop-shoot. Carbonated water is a fine alternative if you don't have a ticklish rectum, and orange juice provides an infusion of vitamin C not possible any other way, as long as you don't mind a sticky back side.
I chose to use a bottle of Yamskaya Russian Vodka, an elegant and refined beverage, sweet and viscous on the palate, smooth and sensual on the rectum (or so the advertisement says).
Despite what the guy who sold me the Statue of Liberty says, I am not a gullible fool. I don't just go around shoving things up my butt without doing a great deal of research on the subject beforehand. For instance, I have learned that organizations such as the National Board for Colon Hydrotherapy and others who promote colon cleansing, require hygienists to have no significant medical training. This may sound sketchy on the surface, but when you remember that all they are doing is shoving a hose up your ass and squirting you full of water, the argument over education becomes moot.
I have also learned that most doctors don't recommend colon cleansing for detoxification. They suggest it may actually be harmful because it promotes the risk of dehydration, leads to bowel perforations (gross), and increases your risk of sharting in public by 63%.
Despite all the negatives an adventurous fellow like myself would never let the possibility of immense discomfort stand in the way of a shiny new colon I could show off to all my friends. So, after several shots of tequila and a moment of quiet prayer, I rammed that ungodly mechanism up my bum and turned on the switch.
They say things are never as bad as your imagination makes them out to be, but I call bullshit on that. When it comes to stretching out your anus and blasting vodka up it, you can never be adequately prepared.
I've had all sorts of strange life experiences, like living in an aquarium till the age of seven and impregnating a raccoon, but theses pale in comparison to the almost out-of-body experience felt when blasting an entire bottle of premium vodka up my poop-shoot.
I was clearly told by Dan that a good colon cleansing would remove all the negative thoughts from my mind, but ironically I've had nothing but negative thoughts since sticking that bowling pin up my ass. Much of my day is now spent curled up in a fetal position crying to myself, although I will say I did enjoy the three day buzz I received from the vodka.
I didn't feel better, I felt violated. I wasn't any healthier, I was sore in the anus. I didn't induce wellbeing, I induced diarrhea. I was so disappointed with the results I returned Dan's machine without cleaning it or emptying the holding tank. Let him deal with my toxic excretions.
So what did I learn from all this? I learned that Dan was an ass-hole who should never be trusted, objects other than balloons full of heroin should never be inserted in the butt, and anybody who mentions the words "colon cleansing" needs a good smack.
But the experience was not a total loss, because now you, the reader, are aware of the perils involved when flushing your colon. Let your body do it's job on it's own, our systems didn't spend two hundred and fifty thousand years evolving in this current form only now to realize it should have grown an internal sprinkler system in our butts.
Unless of course, you enjoy sticking things up there, in which case I say, good luck, enjoy, and don't forget to wash your hands when your done.