As time continued on, God became afraid that in his loneliness, Adam would turn to drugs or alcohol to occupy his time. To prevent this, God kept Adam busy by tasking him with the chore of naming all the animals of the world.
One by one, God paraded a vast line of mammals, reptiles, and insects in front of Adam, "That's a Titmouse." Adam would say. "And that's Pubic Lice." Day after day, week after week, this went on until every urchin of the sea, and every parasite of the lower intestine, had it's own unique name.
But God could see an emptiness in Adam's heart that He knew would never be filled by menial tasks. He also began to see an unusual relationship that was developing between Adam and a furred little sheep named Fleecy Pants.
In Gods view, Adam spent far too much "alone time" with Fleecy Pants. They would frequently disappear into the thicket together only to re-emerge hours later, covered in sweat and smoking a cigarette. Fearing the worst, God decided to create a companion for Adam who was similar in appearance, but with much nicer boobs.
That night, God slipped Adam a roofie, and while he was unconscious, tore open Adam's chest cavity with His bare hands and snapped off one of the ribs. From the blood-soaked splinter of bone God began to form the first woman.
That morning when Adam awoke he found a beautiful yet strange creature asleep beside him. Adam, having never seen a woman before, became terrified at her presence. He grabbed up a rock from the soft grass and began to throttled her about the head and face until God finally intervened.
"Do not be afraid of the creature whose teeth you just knocked out." Spoke the Lord. "Her name is Eve, and she is your new wife. Together you and she shall have dominion over the animals and over the garden of Eden. She is your companion just as you are hers. Do to her what you did to Fleecy Pants. But always remember, stay away from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil."
Life was perfect for the first two humans. Their days were spent prancing around in the nude, picking the occasional berry or splashing around in a stream. Their nights consisted of drinking fermented grain mash until blindness set in, and fornicating until rug burn developed on their inner thighs.
But what God had neglected to tell the two, was that there was another presence living in the garden with them. A much more sinister presence. One who was a trickster and deceiver and took the form of a Koala.
One day, as Eve was squatting to urinate, the Koala appeared from behind a eucalyptus tree and approach her. Having never seen a Koala Bear before, and in desperate need for something to wipe herself with, Eve scooped up the bear and dried her nether region with its soft fur, then tossed the sodden creature aside.
Undaunted, the trickster returned the next day, only this time taking the form of something less absorbent, a serpent. It spoke to Eve in its silky, slithering voice;
"Has God told you not to eat the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden?"
Eve, strangely unbewildered by the prospect of a talking snake, answered truthfully, "Yes, He threatened to kill us if we did, which I think is a little excessive, but it's God, so what are you gonna' do."
"Oh, how silly." Chortled the serpent, "Why would God harm you for eating something so small and lovely?"
"I think He has anger issues." Responded Eve. "Probably because He never had a father to toss the ball around with."
"I hardly think that such a tiny fragment of fruit would cause such a powerful being as God to loose his shit." The serpent lied. "He just wants to keep you dumb so He can continue to win at Scrabble."
Eve began to think aloud, "It would be nice to beat Him at least once. And I am a little tired of being called a "dumb blond." If I eat from the tree will you promises not to tell God?"
The snake smiled and flicked it's pointed tongue. "Who me? No, no, I would never do such a thing. Now eat the fucking fruit."
Eve not only ate the fruit, she convinced Adam to do the same by threatening to withhold sex unless he followed suit.
They lay for hours beneath the tree gorging on fruit and speaking softly. As the time crept forward Eve began to feel a strange pitching and reeling in the pit of her stomach. Having never experienced guilt before, Eve mistook this common human emotion for gas, and pushed it to the back of her mind.
It re-emerged with a fury when they heard the distant roar of a Harley Davidson, Sportster XR1200. It was God approaching on His favorite bike, coming by for his weekly visit.
Because of the power of the fruit, Adam and Eve became ashamed of their nakedness for the first time in their life, and dove into a bramble to hide.
God stopped directly in front of them and dismounted His bike. He began to speak in a loud voice that conveyed more disappointment than anger, "Come out of those bushes, you fools. I am omnipotent, you can not hide from me nor lie to me about what you have done."
Adam immediately shouted in a high, squeaky voice, tinged with fear, "It was her fault. She did it. She talked me into eating the fruit. I wanted a banana but she made me eat from the tree of Knowledge. If your going to kill someone, kill her, not me."
But Adam's cries fell on def ears. God had warned them both what would happen if they ate of the enchanted tree, and now He had arrived to administer that punishment.
Adam and Eve would be cast out of Eden and forced to live on earth with the cockroaches and Canadians. Eventually they would become old, sick and die, but not before suffering through all sorts of nasty ailments involving neck pustules and rectal worms .
Their life would become one of toil and hardship instead of comfort and naps. Food would need to be grown and shelter built, the life they had once known would be gone, all because they did not obey the word of God.
There are many important lessons to be learned from the story of Adam and Eve, like how you should stay away from ladies restrooms if you're a koala bear. But by far, the most important one, above all others, is that you should never, under any circumstances, ever, fuck with God.
*Note to Sunday School Teachers* - please feel free to use this version in class when discussing the creation myth of Genesis.