This turned up several months ago on the last page of the classifieds;
WANTED: High Intensity Gravitational Flux Beam.
Due to unforeseen impairment caused by Repnord's tentacle, our Flux Beam has become damaged beyond repair, we require a new one immediately. If this is not possible we require large quantities of uranium-235 and plutonium-239, to complete our mission.
By presenting us with the items we require you will be rewarded by being allowed to live in one of the many human zoo's built after the destruction of your kind is complete.
Refusing to deliver what we requested will merely postpone your inevitable demise. Repnord may be clumsy, but his ability to annihilate life forms is only surpassed by his gift for dance.
Please contact the number below when the supplies requested are available for transport.
I called the number out of curiosity and got a brothel somewhere in the Philippines, so either the number was a fake or the Philippines has already been overrun by Aliens.
Just a short two weeks later I came across what I believe to be an Alien attempting to pick up girls on a singles website.
HUMAN MALE SEEKING FEMALE OF SAME SPECIES
I am a man from the planet of Earth seeking a human of the opposite gender to join me in love. My hobbies include watching shows on the entertainment box and viewing sex on an archaic computer. In the evenings I consume biological mass that grows from your soil and occasionally devour domesticated beasts. I also enjoy the weather and breathing oxygen.
I am a handsome male with abdominal muscles and mass quantities of protein filament growing from the follicles on my cranium. If these traits are not pleasing to you, I would be glad to change my flesh suit for one you would be more inclined to follow aboard a spacecraft.
Most of my nights are spent reading words that rhyme and looking at pictures of newly born children. This makes me sensitive and kind, which is appealing to females.
Contacting me would be of great benefit to you because of my many useful skills that will help you with home and car repair. I am a modern man that will enjoy laundering the clothing while preforming filatio as you speak to your sister on the phone about how I am insensitive to your needs.
These qualities will make you see that I am very much like you, except for my penis, which is large and occupied with blood for long periods of time.
You do not need to be alone tonight, all you need do is meet me on the small dirt road that turns off highway 46, just before the overpass. Look for the lights in the sky and follow them to an open field, there you will find love.
It may not be immediately apparent, but I assure you there are several clues hidden within this description that suggest it was not written by your average human. Just look at how he claims to enjoy reading poetry and looking at baby pictures. Nobody likes looking at pictures of other peoples kid's, who is he trying to fool?
This next correspondence came from Kijiji, three weeks ago and is difficult to dispute as Alien in origin.
SPACECRAFT FOR RENT
-three examination tables
-full kitchen with flesh peeler and brain extractor included
-two ion cannons (perfect for disabling unruly droids or unwanted house guests)
-wall to wall carpeting with very few blood stains
-no bathroom, but am willing supply bucket
-no smoking or pets, unless pets are to be consumed
-newly restored heat shield
This spacious flying disk comes complete with all the amenities a busy couple needs. Why worry about parking when you can fly your house to work and leave it floating above traffic as you go about your day.
Impress you friends and scare your enemies as you fly your shinny new home through the depths of the Mariana Trench, or sore through the Van Allen radiation belt on your way to the moon.
Interested parties please contact Mortirod Of The Sixth Realm, after 3:00pm.
Are you beginning to see a pattern here? I don't think I'm being paranoid when I say we need to start shooting everything out of the sky in the hopes of getting one of the many space craft that are floating around.
How about this next one...
It is with slight pleasure that we announce the passing of Glotrob The Well Hung. Glotrob went painfully in his sleep after being strangled by his own sexual organ. He is survived by his six larva, two wives, eleven mistresses, and the self-aware growth that protruded from his waste cavity.
Glotrob lived a selfish life, cheating on his wife at every opportunity and boasting about never once flushing a toilet after evacuation. His hobbies included, abducting inferior life forms, turning cattle inside out, and listening to Enya.
Services will be held on the dark side of the moon, unless there is a football game on, in which case there will be no service.
These examples are just a small taste of the many hundreds I have collected over the past months. My wife tells me they're nothing more then pranks created by silly teenagers to fool gullible people like me. She also says I'm bad in bed, but that's beside the point.
Maybe she's correct about it all being a figment of my paranoid mind, then again, maybe I'm correct about her sleeping with the gardener, either way, one of us is an ass-hole and the other is an ass-hole and fat.
Before I let this devolve into an angry rant against my cheating wife, let me just say that I recommend you keep my observations in mind the next time you read something online that feels as if it could have been written by an Alien life form, because chances are, it was, and my wife's a tramp.