A good friend of mine, whose name I cant remember, recently purchased a beautiful home for an amazing price. He told me the reason it was so inexpensive was because the family that had been living there previously, had died in the kitchen when a hand grenade the Mother was cleaning accidently went off. Luckily, the only damage caused by the explosion was a broken window and a bunch of dead bodies.
First off let me say that I'm not gay, although I did see Magic Mike in the theater four times, but I don't think that makes me gay, just stupid. I don't even find the male figure particular appealing, there's too much hair and not enough booby for my liking, besides gay people aren't to keen on me either. I have plenty of gay friends, none of whom find me remotely appealing, which is a little depressing considering that means both men and woman want nothing to do with me. I don't know any transgender people, but they seem pretty reasonable so I'm guessing they'd feel the same way.
Thank you all so much for coming out to my living room tonight. What a year it's been. We've had floods, hurricanes, earthquakes, Miley Cyrus' boobies, and so much more to blame God for, yet all of us, especially me, have stuck with the big man upstairs and never wavered in our faith (hold trophy over head and smile).
The end of days is here. Now, I know your probably thinking that I'm just another kook, making the same exclamation thousands of others make every year, and yet nothing ever happens, but I assure you this time is different. I have incontrovertible proof that the world will soon end, in the form of a dream that awoke me from an opium induced slumber, late last night.
I used to drink a lot, because of this I often found myself laying on my back at two in the morning near the side of the road or in a strangers empty swimming pool, looking up at the night sky pondering the notion of intelligent beings from other worlds. I would dream of what they might look like and wonder if all the movies were right about them not wearing any pants.
At the risk of being labelled a person who only relies on anecdotal evidence to bolster the truth of their claim, I am now going to do exactly that.
In November of 1994 my two year old nephew, Forrest Gump (his parents were big fans of the movie), received an Influenza shot from the same hospital he was born in. Today, Forrest Gump is in jail for urinating off a balcony, onto the head of the cultural attaché of Uganda.
I am a lover of all thing Star Wars and deep into astrology, which I believe, gives me a more advanced opinion then most in regards to the credibility of the Apollo moon landings. I have perused the videos, read the books, and spoken with several people who claim to have been living on the moon at the time. My conclusion is that not only did the Apollo astronauts not land on the moon, but that the entire mission was nothing more than an elaborate ruse perpetrated by the American government. Admittedly, most of my evidence for this consists of a really strong feeling, and an episode of Sponge Bob Square Pants I once saw.
Over the years I've had many disagreements with non-believers over the credibility of the bible in regards to everything from the reality of Genesis, to weather or not Jesus wore closed or open toed sandals. I am proud to say I have never been wrong in this area, except the one time I thought Jesus mentioned something about not toilet papering your neighbours house, during the sermon on the mount.
For several years now I have been researching the claim that the earth is four and a half billion years old and not six to ten thousand, like the bible says. Most of my research in the area of an old earth (and by 'most' I mean all) has come from the Wikipedia page "Age of the earth", and my friend Steve, who has read dozens of book jackets on the subject. Much of the Wiki page is filled with long confusing terms like, 'radiometric dating', and 'thermal gradients', which are obviously fictitious words used to confuse the less enlightened, whereas, the bible uses terms like 'woman be silent', 'stone the infidel', and 'dash thy little ones against the stones', which anyone can understand, even the real dummies.
I'm not a potato, although this is what the proponents of evolution would have me believe. Luckily, I went to community college for half a semester so I'm a little more savvy then the average person. But, the typical idiot on the street may not have the intellectual tools to fend off the nonsense peddlers who promote these lies as scientific reality. Carl Darwin himself, was said to have had a death bed confession where he admitted to wearing woman's undergarments and getting enjoyment out of poking squirrels with a sharp stick, not that this has anything to do with evolution, but it does say a lot about his character.
Since I was a zygote I've had back problems. As a youth I would sit in the dirt and watch all the other children swinging on the monkey bars or wrestling in the sandbox, and wish I too could have some angry bully force me to eat the gum off his shoe, or put me in a headlock until the world went dark . But sadly, the constant pain in my back mixed with the distain everyone held for me (including the teachers), prevented this from ever happening.
Last week my neighbours held a small get together for close friends and family which included the use of a Ouija Board toward the end of the night. I wasn't invited but showed up regardless, then threatened to bend all their cutlery if they told me to leave, which they did, but I stayed anyway.
I shot a Bigfoot late one night,
I shot him where he stood.
I shot a Bigfoot out of fright,
beneath the sandalwood.
I recently became aware of a grumpy old curmudgeon who, for the past several decades has been offering one million dollars to anyone that can prove psychic, supernatural, or paranormal ability under satisfactory observation. According to his website, hundreds of people have attempted to collect the prize, all to no avail.