I know that most people when asked where they're going when they die proudly make the declaration that they'll be prancing through the kingdom of Heaven with Jesus at their side, but not me. I will most certainly be cast into eternal darkness for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is my insistence on calling God a douchebag at every opportunity. Most people would be frightened by the knowledge they were going to Hell, I kinda' like it, and God's a douchebag.
If your like me you've spent countless hours imagining what it would be like to have a bunch of emotionally fragile individuals think of you as a God. Perhaps you have always wanted to hold court over people whose alcoholic parents neglected them throughout their youth. Or maybe you just like the idea of playing the bongos while dropping acid, if so, look no further 'cause I have the answer for you, Cult Leader.
I'm so frustrated right now, I just got back from the park where I ran into two gentleman that had the temerity to try and convert me to Mormonism. There I was, enjoying a bottle of whisky on the swings when they came up from behind to ask why I was crying. At first I thought they were good honest Christians who just wanted to talk about Jesus and share a cigarette, but I soon realized their real intentions were to trick my fragile mind into believing Joseph Smith was some kind of prophet to God, so that I would join their church and start strangling baby Koala's, or what ever it is they do.
Good morning, its nice too see so many people with nothing better to do on a Sunday. Today I would like to speak to you fine people about the evils of sin and the pain it can causes those we love, and even those we're not too fond of.
Despite the restraining order, one of my favorite places to frequent is the local elementary school. I find a great deal of joy imparting the wisdom of the Lord to all the little Hell bound heathens, then trotting off before the police arrive. The older ones tend to just cry and run away, but the younger ones are much easer to catch, and if I get three or four of them I can pin them down by sitting on them and really get into the proselytizing.
I once had a long, boring conversation with the mother of a friend, who clamed that a co-worker diagnosed herself with tooth cancer one year ago, then managed to eradicate the disease by brushing her teeth with marijuana oil and watching Harold and Kumar every night before bed. Although I tell people that I'm a doctor, I'm really not and have no way of knowing if the claims made by this dirty pot smoker have any basis in reality, however, I am a very curious fellow and consider myself to be open minded with respect to everything except M. Night Shyamalan movies, he's dead to me. So in the interest of science, I chose to diagnose myself with something debilitating, then ingest large amounts of marijuana over the course of a weekend, and see what the results would be.
In November of 2012 I attended the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival to see Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg perform. I was amazed to see a long deceased Tupac Shakur appear on stage along with them. Tupac of course, was not actually present, but a holographic depiction of him was, which was so convincing several drunken woman tried to take it home and several drunker men tried to kick it's ass. My point here is to show just how far technology has come in this area, and how convincing holographic images can be, because I believe Neil deGrasse Tyson to be one of these visual deceptions.
I recently had the honor of attending a spiritual gathering out behind the Chuck E. Cheese not far from my home. Faith Healer Peter Popoff, had called a crowd together in order to bestow his gift of godly healing upon those in need of assistance, and I was most definitely one of those souls in need.
I had always had a sneaking suspicion that the earth was flat, irrespective of what my teachers, parents, satellite photos, or logic said. It seemed pretty obvious to me when I stood on something high, that as far as I could see, everything was perfectly level. However, this is not something one is anxious to admit in a biased society that is quick to judge and even quicker to ridicule. Then one day I came across what could very well be the greatest web site since that one that lets you put funny captions over pictures of cats, The Flat Earth Society.
*The following excerpts are taken from a recently discovered journal found in an undisclosed region of the Middle East. The lead archaeologist of the find claims the journal to be authentic, but further study is required.*
The following is transcribed from a recording of an exorcism that recently took place in the living room of Henry and Margaret Hutton. Mrs. Hutton contacted me three days ago for help in exorcizing a demon that had taken possession of her husbands body.
*WARNING* The following is not intended for the faint of heart.