A definition of spiritual awakening has always been hard to pin down. This is, in part because the words "spiritual awakening" have been used in so many ways by so many people, similar to the way the word "cunt" is used to describe everything from someone who steals your parking spot, to the opening woman hide their drugs when cops show up. It's also because they are very nuanced experiences, unique to the individuals going through them.
I am a man that values his relationship with God far more then he will ever value you. I put a strong emphasis on Jesus with everything I do in my life and believe the people that do not follow the Almighty should be rounded up and put in camps. My goal in life is to achieve a high enough level of political power and influence to enact a law that puts the people on Twitter that pretend to be a gay incarnation of Jesus, in jail where they belong. I also enjoy lighting garbage bins on fire and fighting the urge to slap Mormons.
Are you at the age where college will soon be a part of your life but your still not sure what you want to be? Are your parents pushing you onto a career path that feels right to them but makes you want to stick a screw driver in your eye? Does the idea of pretending to do something you can't, sound like a good way to make money? Well, look no further then the fast paced world of Psychic Reading.
My aunt Loraine claims to have died fourteen times over the course of her life, yet repeatedly returned because as she puts it, "God still has work for me to do." I guess God believes the world is low on people that can roller set a hair weave, because as far as I can tell that's all she's been doing for the past twenty years. My uncle likes to joke that the reason she keeps coming back is because God realized she never stops talking and keeps kicking her out to get some peace and quiet, which sounds much more likely to me.
Rejected Esquire Magazine submission
Abu al-Qasim Muhammad ibn 'Abd Allah ibn Abd al-Muttalib ibn Hashim, or simply Muhammad to his friends, sits pool side at his home high in the Hollywood hills, while his Rottweiler, "Buttercup" rests lazily at his feet. He wears a purple hoodie zipped to the neck with matching sweat pants, giving the impression he's ready to go for a jog along the red brick trail that run the perimeter of his estate.
I've interviewed many profits in the past, most of whom choose to meet me in hotel rooms and offices, in bars and restaurants, but very rarely are they comfortable enough to let me into their home.
In the beginning there was nothing except a grumpy old deity with a God complex, which is ironic because in this case He happens to be God. After an eternity of doing nothing, He decides to built a universe populated with billions of galaxies and trillions of stars only to ignore all that so he can focus his attention on what bipedal apes are doing with their genitalia.
During a recent session of drunken introspection I realised that although I considered myself happy in life and love, I was not doing nearly enough grovelling and pleading to imaginary beings. This thought was not a new one, it had been suggested to me on multiple occasions by Father FuckFace (I've concealed his name out of respect) who proclaimed with great enthusiasm how much prayer had helped all the people he knew, including himself. Unfortunately, prayer didn't help Father FuckFace keep his wiener in his pants and he is currently serving twelve years for statutory rape, but I decided I would give prayer a shot anyway and began a month long experiment with begging for stuff instead of working for it.
The number of woman Jesus Christ has reportedly sexually abused continues to increase as attorney Gloria Allred brought forth three more alleged victims, who each shared disturbing details of their encounters with the 2000 year old deity.
Brenda Standish, Kelly Nash, and Sally Leland sat down with the lawyer and recounted to reporters their frightening encounters with Christ which took place in the early eighty's.
I've spoken to many people that wring their hands with giddy anticipation at the thought of Jesus returning for his second coming, but I am here to tell those people that they can stop all the wishing and praying because Jesus has already returned and has been sleeping on my couch for the last six months.