Now, I know what you are thinking and the answer is "Yes", people do say I look like an autistic Groucho Marx. Further more, I know that you are also thinking Atlantis has not been found because you would have heard about it on CNN or The Joe Rogan Experience. However, I am here to tell you that Atlantis has indeed been found, but not in the Atlantic ocean where Plato originally indicated. Instead, Atlantis is located in Petersburg, Kentucky, at the bottom of my swimming pool.
Please answer either "Yes" or "No" to each question.
1. Do you consider yourself gullible?
2. Have you ever lost money to a con-man?
3. Would you be willing to give your credit card number to a complete stranger?
4. Does everything you know about Atlantis come from the Disney movie?
5. Would you be willing to sign a legal document before reading it?
6. Would you be okay with someone pointing a gun at you?
7. If I like your shoes, would you be willing to part with them?
If you answered "YES" to ten or more of these questions, please continue reading. If you answered "NO" to any of them, please go away and tell no one what you read here. Thanks.
Its true, Atlantis has been discovered. Imagine my surprise when I woke one morning to find the sunken city of tales long told resting peacefully at the bottom of my pool, but don't take my word for it. For only $19.99 you can visit the recently opened, "Atlantis Museum" located in my spacious three bedroom one bathroom (two if you count the potted ficus tree) house. After perusing the Atlantean artefacts which have been painstakingly gathered from the depths, you will make your way to the backyard where a glorious above ground pool (purchased on sale at Home Depot) sits with the sunken city of Atlantis at its murky bottom. From here, feel free to ride the mini-sub more than five and a half feet down for a closer view, or relax on one of three lawn chairs overlooking the ancient city of lore and my old BBQ.
I've spent every cent of the kids college savings to create this one of a kind museum unlike anything else on earth where you can learn all about the fictitious civilization and even purchase (for only $99.99) genuine Atlantean dirt collected from its ancient shores. And if that's not enough, why not step inside the "Sinking Of Atlantis Simulator" located in my bathtub. For an extra $42.00 you can experience the dread of rising water as it envelops your ankles and shins just as it did the unsuspecting people of Atlantis. Then feel the fear as your drenched by a torrential downpour from the fixed mount shower head and garden hose operated by my neighbour, Arnold (towels not provided).
Afterwards, you can visit the cafeteria to dine on authentic Atlantean cuisine, like blueberry Pop-Tarts and whatever is left in my crisper. Or maybe bring your own food and cook what you think an Atlantean might eat (my research shows they were partial to chicken nuggets and scotch).
"Your museum seems like such an amazing place to visit, but is there anything else you can offer?" I'm so glad I asked myself this question. Yes, for a limited time only we have teemed up with Kentucky's best known tourist attraction, The Creation Museum, to bring you a special two-for-one admission to both beloved venues.
Start your day off at the Creation Museum where you can mount an exact replica of the triceratops Jesus rode into Jerusalem. Or watch the kids scream with delight as they discover Charles Darwin's image on each and every urinal puck throughout the many bathrooms. When your done learning about how evolution started World War ll, you will be whisked away in my grandmas minivan and dropped off at the Atlantis Museum, where you can experience the wonders of a lost civilization and maybe play Hungry, Hungry, Hippo with my niece.
"Wait just one minute." I hear you asking. "The first person to mentions Atlantis was Plato and he clearly states its location as being near the 'Pillars of Hercules' in the Atlantic Ocean, and not some imbeciles backyard. Furthermore, Atlantis was large enough to be populated by thousands of people, so, how could an entire island fit in your crappy backyard pool and how did it get there in the first place?"
Excellent questions, all of which deserve an answer, but before I get to that let me ask you this; doesn't it make you feel bad to call a total stranger a liar? Because by asking me these questions you are doing exactly that. We don't even know each other and you've decided to take the position that I've sunk hundreds of dollars and several dozen hours into something meant to deceive the public. Shame on you. Just because Plato was obviously writing a fictional allegory, and everything I've said sounds like the ravings of a lunatic mind, doesn't mean that I've invented all this nonsense in order to fleece people out of their hard earned money. I feel very offended by your implication of deception and have decided not to answer any of your questions. Maybe next time you'll think before reading something that calls someone a liar.
So come on down and bring the kids to the place the Kentucky Daily News called, "A great spot to dump the kids while you go drinking."
*the Atlantis Museum will not be held responsible for lost or damaged children*