Before you roll your eyes or snort with incredulity, let me just explain that my dreams are not typical. Every time I dream of a future occurrence it come to fruition within three years, and always exactly as I pictured. One example of this, is a dream I had several months back which involved a tornado tearing apart a small suburban neighbourhood, leaving nothing but chaos and rubble in its wake. The very next day, as hard as this may be to believe, the Wizard Of Oz was on Showtime.
This astounding coincidence was the catalyst that prompted me to quit my job and move back in with my parents so I could peruse my dream of predicting stuff, and playing video games.
Before I go any further I need to distance myself from all the other swindlers and charlatans that claim to have the same power as myself. I am not one of those quacks who endorsed the 2012 Mayan apocalypse, or the Y2K phenomenon. I did however, predict that the city of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan would erect a thirty-foot tall statue honoring the life and legacy of Bill Cosby, which looks unlikely now.
The gift of prophesy is not particular to myself, there are many people that have it, and have had it throughout history. We need look no further then the second greatest book ever written, The Bible (the first being Fifty Shades Of Grey), to see zillions of predictions made by it's authors that have all come to fruition, exactly as predicted.
The bible is unlike most books in that it's authors received their foreknowledge directly from God himself, whereas most people with my abilities rely on dream interpretation, tarot card reading, or what my Grandfather liked to call, "pulling it outta their ass."
The Quran is also said to contain revelations of future events, but only the pork hating Muslims believe this nonsense. The only surah I am aware of that is even slightly predictive, is the one where Muhammad tells his six year old bride Aisha, that those who speak of their relationship in future years, will not be able to do so without receiving a shiver of disgust up their spine.
Someone told me there were also fulfilled prophesy in The Book Of Mormon, but I can't really speak to this considering I only read the first two chapters before my I.Q. began to suffer, and I had to stop.
Back to my dream. Unfortunately, all this babbling has caused me to forget what it was about, but I do remember waking up in terror and urine, which is unusual for a Tuesday. I believe it had something to do with ostrich eggs painted up to look like Easter eggs, although how this relates to the end of days is confusing to me.
I'm aware that its difficult to know who to trust when it come to these types of things, there are just so many lonely nut-jobs out there who need attention so desperately they're willing to concoct all sorts of outlandish tales just to get a little attention from people who would otherwise spit in their face. To learn more about this, please follow my Twitter page, send me an email, or just come on by the house so I can show you my collection of hats.
What I'm trying to get at here, is that shit is about to go down and you would be wise to put your affairs in order while you can. I personally am not taking any chances. As of yesterday, I gave all my possessions to that weird guy who hangs out around the elementary school, and have maxed out all my credit cards on Taiwanese phone sex lines and bacon flavored toothpaste, I suggest you do the same.