My good friend, Vernon is a professional Rump-Reader from Des Conneries, France. Yes, you read that correctly, a Rump-Reader. In case you weren't aware (and why would you be) Butt-Reading or Rumpology, is the art of reading dimples, folds, lines, and crevices on the buttocks in order to catch a glimpse of the owners past, present, and future. It's kind of like reading palms only with a greater chance of getting shit under your nails.
When I was six years old I fractured my pinky toe after mistaking my brothers head for a soccer ball. My Mom, being a great believer in home remedies, attempted to alleviate my pain by tying a thin piece of copper wire tightly around the base of my toe. She said the properties in the copper would not only act as a healing agent but would relieve the pain I was currently feeling. Three days later the doctor amputated that toe due to arterial blockage caused by the constricted blood flow. I realize this sounds like poor parenting on her part, but in my Mom's defense she was pretty drunk at the time.
While the Pastor rambled on about the great works of Jesus each and every Sunday, my mind would begin to drift toward unrelated nonsense. This is but a small snippet of my inner most thoughts as I waited patiently to be released from the prison known as Church.
The 2017, Roswell, New Mexico, UFO Conference.
World famous educators and experts (not really) from around the Chaves County area, converge for four days and three nights of discussion and debate on the topic of UFO investigation and abduction.
Daily lectures, interactive discussions and occasional lobotomies will be held in the main conference room of the fabulous Hotel Kuntz. Members are urged to book their rooms now to ensure receiving a suite without a camera in the bathroom. See below for a copy of this years schedule.
And don't forget to enter your name and bank account number at the front door to win one of six beautifully hand crafted tin foil fedoras.*
*Hotel Kuntz reserves the right to sell your banking information online
Scene: Interior of an uncomfortably small, foreign car. An attractive woman in her 30's sits in the passenger seat holding a clipboard. Behind the wheel sits the Prophet Muhammad.
Setting: A classroom, midday. A slender man with thick glasses stands in front of a battered desk lined with dozens of bottles of alcohol. The room contains only two other people; the first is a large blue man with four arms, draped in gold jewellery and gems. All around him can be seen a faint golden light that appears to be emanating from the man himself.
Stuffed uncomfortably into the seat next to him is a six foot tall, golden eagle. Upon its head sits a crown, which manages to stay in place even as the bird's massive head spins with lightening speed from left to right as it examines the room. It does not appear to know where it is or why it's there, nor does it seem to care.
It's late on a Saturday evening and you have just consumed a case of beer, six shots of watermelon vodka, half a bottle of mouthwash, eleven moose tranquilisers, and one cup of kitty-litter. Then without warning, an old high school pal on Facebook unfriends you just because you posted a photoshoped picture of his wife with a donkey penis in her mouth. You're outraged at his betrayal, and yearn to take revenge on this so called friend, if only you could get off the floor.
In 2009 Edward Dobson released a book I never bothered to read called, 'The Year of Living like Jesus.' The description on Amazon reads, "In this book you will quickly discover that Ed's adventure of living as Jesus did takes him, and us, deep into the heart of grace, mercy and the endless discovery of the love that propels us toward God on a blah, blah, blah, you get the idea." I'm sure by that quote you can see why I never bothered to read the book.
Dear Mom and Dad;
I am sorry it has been such a long time since I have written, but I couldn't remember how to work the pen. You'll be happy to know that I have recently come to my senses and abandoned the religious cult I left home to join. They were sad to see me go, but Swami Bob said I could come back anytime to ride the mechanical bull and feed the manatee. He sure is a nice guy for a convicted pedophile.
From the Office of the Prophet Muhammad
January 20, 2017
I am very sorry I was unable to attend your inauguration on January 20th, although I hear nobody died, so I guess I didn't miss much. I have sent along a gift of my favorite severed head, for you to proudly display on your desk, next to the bust of Martin Luther King Jr. Please accept it on behalf of myself and my most recent bride, Number 81.
Dear Spiritual Beacon;
Ever since I was a young girl I've wondered about the differences between Western and Eastern Astrology. My grandpa, who only follows the Western tradition, tells me the predictions of Eastern (Chinese) astrology are about as useful as a Q-tip made of pine cones. My grandma says he only thinks this because he spends too much time near the open paint cans in the garage, and that Chinese astrology is the real way to go.
Frankly, I wouldn't trust either one of them to wipe their own butt properly, let alone take advice from them. So I need your help with two confusing questions; 1) Which of the two competing astrological calendars is the most accurate? And 2) does the law still consider it murder if you kill someone really old and super annoying?
I always wanted to be an astronaut, but I don't much like the idea of eating my dinner from a tube or pooping in a vacuum. Not to mention, I'm far too lazy to put in the amount of work needed to be chosen for such an endeavor. People as lazy as I rarely do anything that forces us to be upright longer than it takes to pee, never mind putting in the time it takes to become an astronaut. Because of this I have always known that my dream of being blasted into space to search for alien face suckers, will forever be beyond my grasp....or so I once believed.
Release Date: June 19, 1973
Director: William Friedkin
Producer: William Peter Blatty
Screenplay: William Peter Blatty
Stars: Linda Blair, Ellen Burstyn, Max Von Sydow, Lee J. Cobb, Jason Miller
The Exorcist taught me a great deal about demons and what they do to occupy their time while on holiday from the pits of Hell. For instance, did you know that demons delight in entering children more often than a Catholic priest with a Super Soaker full of chloroform? How about their fondness for pissing on floors, walking like crabs, or shoving crosses in their tiny vaginas? I'll bet before the Exorcist most people were unaware that demons enjoyed tossing priests out the window (an act which I consider to be their only attribute).
Constipation is one of the more sinister aspects of the good lords creations, especially when the feces becomes impacted. There are a myriad home remedies available for those suffering from this condition, most of which involve prevention rather than treatment. Once this uncomfortable and oft times painful ailment goes too far, laxatives and prune juice become as useless as snow shoes at a tap dancing contest. It is at this point that many people find themselves on the business end of a frightening apparatus strictly designed to inject large amount of fluid into the anus and bowel, know as an enema machine.
I'm no geologist but I do live next door to one, which kinda makes me a rock expert through osmosis, and I say the center of the earth is as empty as the lyrics to a Nickelback song. No lower mantel. No inner core. No creamy center. Just a big useless void without meaning or function.
The following is a true story (except for the parts I made up).
Late one spring night as I sat on my porch cutting the gum from my raccoons fur, I happen to looked up just in time to see a large triangular object moving slowly across the sky. It made no discernible noise nor did it appear to have any lights other than the dimly lit points on each of its three tips.
I was recently lucky enough to sit down with A-list super star Tom Cruise and discuss the rumor that he is now being proclaimed a god in the world of Scientology. The following is transcribed from our brief, but informative interview.
Are you of lesser moral character? Do you think you can see the future? Would you prefer to remain in your underwear for the majority of the day? Well look no further, we have the perfect opportunity for you.
Ontario courts have ruled against the owners of a now defunct bakery who were accused of discrimination after refusing to make a penis shaped wedding cake for a local gay couple.
Just last week I was downtown cutting the heads off of parking meters (I'm a big fan of Cool Hand Luke) when I was approached by a man on the street, along with his camera crew, who asked if he could show me a few magic tricks and film my reaction for an upcoming special on the Ukraine's highest rated network, 'Pierogi T.V.'
Last month, as I lay on my back in the park wondering if I would rather be the front of a Human Centipede, or the back, I spotted a jet liner passing through my field of view. I couldn't tell if it was really small or just very far away but what I did notice was the long line of white mist left in it's wake.
I don't have the ability to speak in tongues but if I were to write this blog using the "language" of tongues, it would probably look something like this; Bals ahdt ysifghte k thorus moo cow, blah blah sortor yamaka shama-lama ding dong, potypoo oreo hastaruirs doizlk lamaka broslotel uftlo al yrhetsfd shave and a hair cut, two bits.
1776 will long be remembered for three significant occurrences; the drafting of the Declaration of Independence, on July 4th, the first use of the term "Yolo," and the founding of the super secret guild bent on global power known as, the Illuminati.
Growing up I never gave much thought to sticking things up my butt, it seemed uncomfortable, potentially messy, and something that would most certainly haunt my dreams. But that was long before my friend Dan informed me of the "bad toxins" that were coursing through my colon as a result of too many cheese slices and Skittles.
A commission established to advise Pope Francis on preventing sexual abuse of minors in the church, released a report last Monday outlining new measures it hopes will help safeguard vulnerable children.