It's late on a Saturday evening and you have just consumed a case of beer, six shots of watermelon vodka, half a bottle of mouthwash, eleven moose tranquilisers, and one cup of kitty-litter. Then without warning, an old high school pal on Facebook unfriends you just because you posted a photoshoped picture of his wife with a donkey penis in her mouth. You're outraged at his betrayal, and yearn to take revenge on this so called friend, if only you could get off the floor.
In 2009 Edward Dobson released a book I never bothered to read called, 'The Year of Living like Jesus.' The description on Amazon reads, "In this book you will quickly discover that Ed's adventure of living as Jesus did takes him, and us, deep into the heart of grace, mercy and the endless discovery of the love that propels us toward God on a blah, blah, blah, you get the idea." I'm sure by that quote you can see why I never bothered to read the book.
Dear Mom and Dad;
I am sorry it has been such a long time since I have written, but I couldn't remember how to work the pen. You'll be happy to know that I have recently come to my senses and abandoned the religious cult I left home to join. They were sad to see me go, but Swami Bob said I could come back anytime to ride the mechanical bull and feed the manatee. He sure is a nice guy for a convicted pedophile.
From the Office of the Prophet Muhammad
January 20, 2017
I am very sorry I was unable to attend your inauguration on January 20th, although I hear nobody died, so I guess I didn't miss much. I have sent along a gift of my favorite severed head, for you to proudly display on your desk, next to the bust of Martin Luther King Jr. Please accept it on behalf of myself and my most recent bride, Number 81.
Dear Spiritual Beacon;
Ever since I was a young girl I've wondered about the differences between Western and Eastern Astrology. My grandpa, who only follows the Western tradition, tells me the predictions of Eastern (Chinese) astrology are about as useful as a Q-tip made of pine cones. My grandma says he only thinks this because he spends too much time near the open paint cans in the garage, and that Chinese astrology is the real way to go.
Frankly, I wouldn't trust either one of them to wipe their own butt properly, let alone take advice from them. So I need your help with two confusing questions; 1) Which of the two competing astrological calendars is the most accurate? And 2) does the law still consider it murder if you kill someone really old and super annoying?
I always wanted to be an astronaut, but I don't much like the idea of eating my dinner from a tube or pooping in a vacuum. Not to mention, I'm far too lazy to put in the amount of work needed to be chosen for such an endeavor. People as lazy as I rarely do anything that forces us to be upright longer than it takes to pee, never mind putting in the time it takes to become an astronaut. Because of this I have always known that my dream of being blasted into space to search for alien face suckers, will forever be beyond my grasp....or so I once believed.
Release Date: June 19, 1973
Director: William Friedkin
Producer: William Peter Blatty
Screenplay: William Peter Blatty
Stars: Linda Blair, Ellen Burstyn, Max Von Sydow, Lee J. Cobb, Jason Miller
The Exorcist taught me a great deal about demons and what they do to occupy their time while on holiday from the pits of Hell. For instance, did you know that demons delight in entering children more often than a Catholic priest with a Super Soaker full of chloroform? How about their fondness for pissing on floors, walking like crabs, or shoving crosses in their tiny vaginas? I'll bet before the Exorcist most people were unaware that demons enjoyed tossing priests out the window (an act which I consider to be their only attribute).
Constipation is one of the more sinister aspects of the good lords creations, especially when the feces becomes impacted. There are a myriad home remedies available for those suffering from this condition, most of which involve prevention rather than treatment. Once this uncomfortable and oft times painful ailment goes too far, laxatives and prune juice become as useless as snow shoes at a tap dancing contest. It is at this point that many people find themselves on the business end of a frightening apparatus strictly designed to inject large amount of fluid into the anus and bowel, know as an enema machine.
I'm no geologist but I do live next door to one, which kinda makes me a rock expert through osmosis, and I say the center of the earth is as empty as the lyrics to a Nickelback song. No lower mantel. No inner core. No creamy center. Just a big useless void without meaning or function.
The following is a true story (except for the parts I made up).
Late one spring night as I sat on my porch cutting the gum from my raccoons fur, I happen to looked up just in time to see a large triangular object moving slowly across the sky. It made no discernible noise nor did it appear to have any lights other than the dimly lit points on each of its three tips.
I was recently lucky enough to sit down with A-list super star Tom Cruise and discuss the rumor that he is now being proclaimed a god in the world of Scientology. The following is transcribed from our brief, but informative interview.
Are you of lesser moral character? Do you think you can see the future? Would you prefer to remain in your underwear for the majority of the day? Well look no further, we have the perfect opportunity for you.
Ontario courts have ruled against the owners of a now defunct bakery who were accused of discrimination after refusing to make a penis shaped wedding cake for a local gay couple.
Just last week I was downtown cutting the heads off of parking meters (I'm a big fan of Cool Hand Luke) when I was approached by a man on the street, along with his camera crew, who asked if he could show me a few magic tricks and film my reaction for an upcoming special on the Ukraine's highest rated network, 'Pierogi T.V.'
Last month, as I lay on my back in the park wondering if I would rather be the front of a Human Centipede, or the back, I spotted a jet liner passing through my field of view. I couldn't tell if it was really small or just very far away but what I did notice was the long line of white mist left in it's wake.
I don't have the ability to speak in tongues but if I were to write this blog using the "language" of tongues, it would probably look something like this; Bals ahdt ysifghte k thorus moo cow, blah blah sortor yamaka shama-lama ding dong, potypoo oreo hastaruirs doizlk lamaka broslotel uftlo al yrhetsfd shave and a hair cut, two bits.
1776 will long be remembered for three significant occurrences; the drafting of the Declaration of Independence, on July 4th, the first use of the term "Yolo," and the founding of the super secret guild bent on global power known as, the Illuminati.
Growing up I never gave much thought to sticking things up my butt, it seemed uncomfortable, potentially messy, and something that would most certainly haunt my dreams. But that was long before my friend Dan informed me of the "bad toxins" that were coursing through my colon as a result of too many cheese slices and Skittles.
A commission established to advise Pope Francis on preventing sexual abuse of minors in the church, released a report last Monday outlining new measures it hopes will help safeguard vulnerable children.
The following account is as truthful as any other you may read on this subject.
It began with a light more brilliant than a million stove clocks. I felt no fear or worry, my nerves were steady and my body was relaxed. As the world I knew vanished before my eyes, the same exhilaration I feel when snorting Pop-Rocks, washed over my body. I had no regrets or longing for any of my earthly possessions, other than my cell phone, chap stick, nail file, ear buds, vaporizer, yo-yo, and about a dozen other things I could easily have fit in a fanny pack, had I only known I were dying.
Being a collector of flamingo-related items, seems like an amusing and sensible way to spend your money, but it's not without it's drawbacks. As any serious hoarder can tell you, finding the space to proudly display your collection around the home, can be difficult as you accumulate more and more of whatever it is you have chosen to waste your life on.
At last I figured out what it is I want to do with my life. After all these years I've finally discovered the career I've always been looking for. The crazy thing is, I didn't even know it existed until about a month ago.
I recently came across an advertisement that asked its readers three questions followed by a brief statement;
My dog, Edgar Allan Poop, was recently diagnosed with Canine Lymphoma. It's a common type of cancer that affects lymph nodes, bone marrow, liver, and spleen, but can also be found in the eyes, skin, and gastrointestinal tract. The exact cause isn't exactly known yet, although my buddy Kainen thinks (and I agree) it's probably caused by sniffing too many crotches.
ANNOUNCER: Live from Hollywood, California, it's The Dating Game. Now, let's all put our hands together, and give a great big welcome to your host, Skip Cleavage.