I,___________________________________ , being of semi-sound mind and body, do hereby relinquishing ownership of my soul and give it freely over to Satan. I sign this pledge of my own volition and with full knowledge that doing so shall forever prevent me from riding the waterslides in Heaven, or playing air hockey with Jesus.
Welcome to the 2017 "Pits of Hell" brochure, your go to guide for dining, accommodations, tourist attractions, and so much more.
Explore 9 exciting levels of Hell that bring to life the misery and anguish of the damned through amazing attractions, entertainment and dining! With so much to do day and night, the Pits of Hell will have you rushing out to murder a stranger just so God will banish you to their exhilarating depths.
(Interior: A small room containing two folding chairs and small card table. On the table sits a grey and black machine no bigger than a shoebox. On the wall hangs a single picture of L. Ron Hubbard, staring blankly into the camera. Two men stand at the doorway, one dressed in typical western attire, the other wearing a long white thawb and short, rounded skull cap.)
Fists flew as newly elected American president, Donald Trump and his wife Melania visited with Pope Francis on Tuesday at Vatican City. The trip marks the Presidents first over seas journey of his new administration.
While the Pastor rambled on about the great works of Jesus each and every Sunday, my mind would begin to drift toward unrelated nonsense. This is but a small snippet of my inner most thoughts as I waited patiently to be released from the prison known as Church.
Scene: Interior of an uncomfortably small, foreign car. An attractive woman in her 30's sits in the passenger seat holding a clipboard. Behind the wheel sits the Prophet Muhammad.
Setting: A classroom, midday. A slender man with thick glasses stands in front of a battered desk lined with dozens of bottles of alcohol. The room contains only two other people; the first is a large blue man with four arms, draped in gold jewellery and gems. All around him can be seen a faint golden light that appears to be emanating from the man himself.
Stuffed uncomfortably into the seat next to him is a six foot tall, golden eagle. Upon its head sits a crown, which manages to stay in place even as the bird's massive head spins with lightening speed from left to right as it examines the room. It does not appear to know where it is or why it's there, nor does it seem to care.
From the Office of the Prophet Muhammad
January 20, 2017
I am very sorry I was unable to attend your inauguration on January 20th, although I hear nobody died, so I guess I didn't miss much. I have sent along a gift of my favorite severed head, for you to proudly display on your desk, next to the bust of Martin Luther King Jr. Please accept it on behalf of myself and my most recent bride, Number 81.
Ontario courts have ruled against the owners of a now defunct bakery who were accused of discrimination after refusing to make a penis shaped wedding cake for a local gay couple.
I don't have the ability to speak in tongues but if I were to write this blog using the "language" of tongues, it would probably look something like this; Bals ahdt ysifghte k thorus moo cow, blah blah sortor yamaka shama-lama ding dong, potypoo oreo hastaruirs doizlk lamaka broslotel uftlo al yrhetsfd shave and a hair cut, two bits.
A commission established to advise Pope Francis on preventing sexual abuse of minors in the church, released a report last Monday outlining new measures it hopes will help safeguard vulnerable children.
The following account is as truthful as any other you may read on this subject.
It began with a light more brilliant than a million stove clocks. I felt no fear or worry, my nerves were steady and my body was relaxed. As the world I knew vanished before my eyes, the same exhilaration I feel when snorting Pop-Rocks, washed over my body. I had no regrets or longing for any of my earthly possessions, other than my cell phone, chap stick, nail file, ear buds, vaporizer, yo-yo, and about a dozen other things I could easily have fit in a fanny pack, had I only known I were dying.
ANNOUNCER: Live from Hollywood, California, it's The Dating Game. Now, let's all put our hands together, and give a great big welcome to your host, Skip Cleavage.
Come be part of the inaugural Ark Encounter team!
Answers in Genesis, is now hiring full and part time employees to help with construction on our exact replica (minus all the concreate and steel) of Noah's ark. There are nearly 400 seasonal positions available at Ark Encounter with a variety of available shifts and schedules (atheists, need not apply).
Lately, I have been growing increasingly worried about one of your followers misunderstanding my recent comments about you resembling a bloated sack of diaper waste, and deciding to chop my head off because of it. I am also concerned that you may have misinterpreted the picture of Muhammad I painted below the water line of my toilet, as an attack on your magnificence, rather than a way to shit on the face of your profit, which is all it was meant to be.
God is gay, literately. I don't mean that as a metaphor or figure of speech, I mean it as an empirical matter-of-fact that can be proven using God's own words and actions as put forth in the bible. And I'm not referring to a conservative, tie wearing, Anderson Cooper kind of gay, but a full on Freddie Mercury in tight purple short-shorts and bedazzled, yellow top hat, type gay.
SIMON - Hello everyone, I'm so glad to see you again. Right off the top I'd like to point out that we have a new student sitting in the front row. Why don't you stand up and tell everybody your name, what you do, and why you signed up for, "Profanity, comebacks, and insults 101."
Shelly - Hi, this is Shelly from Simple Vibe. How may I be of assistance to you?
Mother Teresa- Hello, my dear. I have a question about one of your products and I was hoping you could help me.
Shelly - Certainly, ma'am. What can I do for you.
Yesterday morning while eating my Alpha-Bits I found the word "GOD" spelled out in my bowl. As I continued to eat I came across the word "IS" displayed plainly on my spoon, and when nearly finished I found the word "GOAG" floating clearly upon the milk.
First of all, it's very apparent that this message was placed before me by the supreme leader himself and I'm not referring to that fat little Hobbit running North Korea. God, the creator of toe fungus and grower of hemorrhoids is obviously attempting to contact me, but feels the need to do so through a breakfast tweet instead of just hopping into one of my dreams or stopping by on a Friday night for a beer and chit-chat.
I enjoyed my recent conversation with wingnut Kirk Cameron so much I decided to see if I could get his business partner and fellow loon, Ray Comfort, to grant me an interview. Mr. Comfort immediately responded to my email and graciously agreed to speak with me briefly by phone the next time he sat down to use the toilet. The next afternoon I received his call and recorded this 5-7 minute interview with him on my iPhone. The following is a transcript of that conversation.
Reminder to all Cardinals participating in tomorrows charity touch football match against the children of St. Christopher's Elementary School. The Holy Father would like to reiterate that all participating Cardinals are to refrain from making contact with the opposing teams genitals; this includes, tugging, rubbing, squeezing, or face diving into the crotch. Any deviation from this will be met with immediate removal from the game and loss of your little red hat.
The Adult swim TV show that follows the life of a modern day Jesus who smokes pot and curses like Steve-O with his penis in a mouse trap, has reportedly been renewed for a third season, causing Christians everywhere to stamp their precious little feet in protest.
This is part one in a series of debate tactics that I have put together in order to help the lay-person deal more successfully with whiney Christian apologists. Having never officially debated a Christian, unless you call standing outside a church on Sunday, screaming about God killing my hamster, a debate, it should be noted my strategy is not one to be used by individuals taking the process of debate seriously. It should also be noted that I mistakenly ingested several grams of psilocybin before writing this blog, so if at any time I start describing giant blue rabbits eating the lettuce out of my crisper, just skip ahead until I get back to my original point.
Police Officers Question the prophet Muhammad after an arrest at the Minneapolis Airport Aug. 13, 2012.
The following is an unedited transcript of an interview between police Sgt. Linus Larrabee and police Detective Charlie Allnut, with the prophet Muhammad, regarding a July 23 incident in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Audiotapes and a transcript of the interview were released today.
Muhammad was arrested in a bathroom by Larrabee, who was working undercover.
Larrabee said Muhammad exhibited behavior in the men's restroom that was "often used by persons communicating a desire to engage in sexual conduct."
Muhammad later pleaded guilty to a charge of disorderly conduct.
Once upon a time, there lived an evil Pharaoh who enjoyed enslaving Israelites' and going on murderous rampages. One day, Pharaoh heard talk of his slaves preparing to go on strike unless they were granted 17 weeks maternity leave and full dental coverage. Pharaoh refused to submit to their requests for dental, but decided to help out with the maternity leave by killing off all children under one year of age, so their Mommy's could go back to work.