While the Pastor rambled on about the great works of Jesus each and every Sunday, my mind would begin to drift toward unrelated nonsense. This is but a small snippet of my inner most thoughts as I waited patiently to be released from the prison known as Church.
Dear Mom and Dad;
I am sorry it has been such a long time since I have written, but I couldn't remember how to work the pen. You'll be happy to know that I have recently come to my senses and abandoned the religious cult I left home to join. They were sad to see me go, but Swami Bob said I could come back anytime to ride the mechanical bull and feed the manatee. He sure is a nice guy for a convicted pedophile.
A commission established to advise Pope Francis on preventing sexual abuse of minors in the church, released a report last Monday outlining new measures it hopes will help safeguard vulnerable children.
Come be part of the inaugural Ark Encounter team!
Answers in Genesis, is now hiring full and part time employees to help with construction on our exact replica (minus all the concreate and steel) of Noah's ark. There are nearly 400 seasonal positions available at Ark Encounter with a variety of available shifts and schedules (atheists, need not apply).
Lately, I have been growing increasingly worried about one of your followers misunderstanding my recent comments about you resembling a bloated sack of diaper waste, and deciding to chop my head off because of it. I am also concerned that you may have misinterpreted the picture of Muhammad I painted below the water line of my toilet, as an attack on your magnificence, rather than a way to shit on the face of your profit, which is all it was meant to be.
God is gay, literately. I don't mean that as a metaphor or figure of speech, I mean it as an empirical matter-of-fact that can be proven using God's own words and actions as put forth in the bible. And I'm not referring to a conservative, tie wearing, Anderson Cooper kind of gay, but a full on Freddie Mercury in tight purple short-shorts and bedazzled, yellow top hat, type gay.
Muslim employees can only commit jihad during meal breaks, according to a new policy imposed at Stimulators Manufacturing in Salina, Kansas.
"This is blatant discrimination." Employee Rishaan Abdullah told WBS News. "What's wrong with allowing me to kill a few infidels so I can return to work in a good mood? Its not like I'm asking to blow up the owners daughter for exposing her ankles."
This is part one in a series of debate tactics that I have put together in order to help the lay-person deal more successfully with whiney Christian apologists. Having never officially debated a Christian, unless you call standing outside a church on Sunday, screaming about God killing my hamster, a debate, it should be noted my strategy is not one to be used by individuals taking the process of debate seriously. It should also be noted that I mistakenly ingested several grams of psilocybin before writing this blog, so if at any time I start describing giant blue rabbits eating the lettuce out of my crisper, just skip ahead until I get back to my original point.
Hide the manger and smack the caroler, the war on Christmas is here again.
I'm still not sure what the war on Christmas is all about, but if it involves melting snowmen with a flamethrower or slapping people that say, "Merry Christmas," count me in. I've never been in a war so if there is a war going on, or more specifically a war that involves using words instead of bullets, I want to be a part of it.
Once upon a time, there lived an evil Pharaoh who enjoyed enslaving Israelites' and going on murderous rampages. One day, Pharaoh heard talk of his slaves preparing to go on strike unless they were granted 17 weeks maternity leave and full dental coverage. Pharaoh refused to submit to their requests for dental, but decided to help out with the maternity leave by killing off all children under one year of age, so their Mommy's could go back to work.
Archaeologists working in Turkey believe they have found the missing foreskin of Jesus Christ. While excavating an ancient church known as Beggars Corner, an eighth century building in Sinop, Turkey, they discovered an alabaster-box containing a perfectly preserved bit of flesh, wrapped in goat skin which had been treated with oil of spikenard.
In the beginning there was nothing except a grumpy old deity with a God complex, which is ironic because in this case He happens to be God. After an eternity of doing nothing, He decides to built a universe populated with billions of galaxies and trillions of stars only to ignore all that so he can focus his attention on what bipedal apes are doing with their genitalia.
During a recent session of drunken introspection I realised that although I considered myself happy in life and love, I was not doing nearly enough grovelling and pleading to imaginary beings. This thought was not a new one, it had been suggested to me on multiple occasions by Father FuckFace (I've concealed his name out of respect) who proclaimed with great enthusiasm how much prayer had helped all the people he knew, including himself. Unfortunately, prayer didn't help Father FuckFace keep his wiener in his pants and he is currently serving twelve years for statutory rape, but I decided I would give prayer a shot anyway and began a month long experiment with begging for stuff instead of working for it.
The number of woman Jesus Christ has reportedly sexually abused continues to increase as attorney Gloria Allred brought forth three more alleged victims, who each shared disturbing details of their encounters with the 2000 year old deity.
Brenda Standish, Kelly Nash, and Sally Leland sat down with the lawyer and recounted to reporters their frightening encounters with Christ which took place in the early eighty's.
I recently won an all expense paid trip to the beautiful Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas. Once there I was to stay for three days and two nights in their opulent visitor's suit, also known as "The Sin Shack."
I know that most people when asked where they're going when they die proudly make the declaration that they'll be prancing through the kingdom of Heaven with Jesus at their side, but not me. I will most certainly be cast into eternal darkness for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is my insistence on calling God a douchebag at every opportunity. Most people would be frightened by the knowledge they were going to Hell, I kinda' like it, and God's a douchebag.
I'm so frustrated right now, I just got back from the park where I ran into two gentleman that had the temerity to try and convert me to Mormonism. There I was, enjoying a bottle of whisky on the swings when they came up from behind to ask why I was crying. At first I thought they were good honest Christians who just wanted to talk about Jesus and share a cigarette, but I soon realized their real intentions were to trick my fragile mind into believing Joseph Smith was some kind of prophet to God, so that I would join their church and start strangling baby Koala's, or what ever it is they do.
Good morning, its nice too see so many people with nothing better to do on a Sunday. Today I would like to speak to you fine people about the evils of sin and the pain it can causes those we love, and even those we're not too fond of.
Despite the restraining order, one of my favorite places to frequent is the local elementary school. I find a great deal of joy imparting the wisdom of the Lord to all the little Hell bound heathens, then trotting off before the police arrive. The older ones tend to just cry and run away, but the younger ones are much easer to catch, and if I get three or four of them I can pin them down by sitting on them and really get into the proselytizing.
I recently had the honor of attending a spiritual gathering out behind the Chuck E. Cheese not far from my home. Faith Healer Peter Popoff, had called a crowd together in order to bestow his gift of godly healing upon those in need of assistance, and I was most definitely one of those souls in need.
*The following excerpts are taken from a recently discovered journal found in an undisclosed region of the Middle East. The lead archaeologist of the find claims the journal to be authentic, but further study is required.*
First off let me say that I'm not gay, although I did see Magic Mike in the theater four times, but I don't think that makes me gay, just stupid. I don't even find the male figure particular appealing, there's too much hair and not enough booby for my liking, besides gay people aren't to keen on me either. I have plenty of gay friends, none of whom find me remotely appealing, which is a little depressing considering that means both men and woman want nothing to do with me. I don't know any transgender people, but they seem pretty reasonable so I'm guessing they'd feel the same way.
Thank you all so much for coming out to my living room tonight. What a year it's been. We've had floods, hurricanes, earthquakes, Miley Cyrus' boobies, and so much more to blame God for, yet all of us, especially me, have stuck with the big man upstairs and never wavered in our faith (hold trophy over head and smile).
Over the years I've had many disagreements with non-believers over the credibility of the bible in regards to everything from the reality of Genesis, to weather or not Jesus wore closed or open toed sandals. I am proud to say I have never been wrong in this area, except the one time I thought Jesus mentioned something about not toilet papering your neighbours house, during the sermon on the mount.
I recently watched a debate on You Tube discussing weather or not Faith was a useful tool for life. The pro Faith side was argued clearly and respectfully by Yohannes Jejunum, M.D. (the M.D. in this case standing for, 'Master Dancer'). The unenviable position of having to argue against the proposition, was held by a fat, bald man, whom I could tell just by looking at, hated babies and beat his children with a soup can in a sock.