I was recently lucky enough to sit down with A-list super star Tom Cruise and discuss the rumor that he is now being proclaimed a god in the world of Scientology. The following is transcribed from our brief, but informative interview.
Last month, as I lay on my back in the park wondering if I would rather be the front of a Human Centipede, or the back, I spotted a jet liner passing through my field of view. I couldn't tell if it was really small or just very far away but what I did notice was the long line of white mist left in it's wake.
My dog, Edgar Allan Poop, was recently diagnosed with Canine Lymphoma. It's a common type of cancer that affects lymph nodes, bone marrow, liver, and spleen, but can also be found in the eyes, skin, and gastrointestinal tract. The exact cause isn't exactly known yet, although my buddy Kainen thinks (and I agree) it's probably caused by sniffing too many crotches.
Have you ever had one of those days where you just couldn't focus? Where you felt like someone had opened the top of your head, removed your brain, and replaced it with a warm bag of rancid cheese? Or how about a mental hiccup while driving, causing you to hop the curb and crash into a bronze statue of a penguin riding a dolphin? Perhaps you keep forgetting to wipe your bottom, or swallow after taking a mouth full of food. If so, your just like me.
Reasonable, intelligent individuals view homeopathy as pseudoscience easily dismissed by high school chemistry and simple mathematics, but since I am neither reasonable nor intelligent I consider it to be the greatest medical marvel since the tongue depressor.
Context: Intercessory prayer (praying for others) has been a common response to sickness for millennia, but it has received little scientific attention. The purpose of this study is to demonstrate weather or not mumbling to a magic space wizard is a useful way to spend your time. I am not attempting to prove or disprove the existence of any god, rather I will be focusing on prayer itself.
I don't trust science. Sure, I'm aware it's responsible for all the modern innovations I enjoy like the carrot peeler and lava lamp, but what has it done for me lately? I don't see any jet powered unicycles or flying refrigerators like I was promised as a child, neither has anyone cured cancer or invented a realistic sex doll I can cuddle up with at night. So why should I care about science?
The sunken island of Atlantis has been found!
Now, I know what you are thinking and the answer is "Yes", people do say I look like an autistic Groucho Marx. Further more, I know that you are also thinking Atlantis has not been found because you would have heard about it on CNN or The Joe Rogan Experience. However, I am here to tell you that Atlantis has indeed been found, but not in the Atlantic ocean where Plato originally indicated. Instead, Atlantis is located in Petersburg, Kentucky, at the bottom of my swimming pool.
As if I didn't have enough to worry about, people all over the country are bursting into flames as a result of Spontaneous Human Combustion. Everywhere I look I find a story about a pile of ash next to a foot, or a puddle of fat with a head floating in it. Some experts say it's nothing more than alcohol consumption and proximity to sources of ignition while other suggest an alien death ray. Personally, I vote for the 'death ray', but I'm an idiot.
Archaeologists working in Turkey believe they have found the missing foreskin of Jesus Christ. While excavating an ancient church known as Beggars Corner, an eighth century building in Sinop, Turkey, they discovered an alabaster-box containing a perfectly preserved bit of flesh, wrapped in goat skin which had been treated with oil of spikenard.
I once had a long, boring conversation with the mother of a friend, who clamed that a co-worker diagnosed herself with tooth cancer one year ago, then managed to eradicate the disease by brushing her teeth with marijuana oil and watching Harold and Kumar every night before bed. Although I tell people that I'm a doctor, I'm really not and have no way of knowing if the claims made by this dirty pot smoker have any basis in reality, however, I am a very curious fellow and consider myself to be open minded with respect to everything except M. Night Shyamalan movies, he's dead to me. So in the interest of science, I chose to diagnose myself with something debilitating, then ingest large amounts of marijuana over the course of a weekend, and see what the results would be.
In November of 2012 I attended the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival to see Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg perform. I was amazed to see a long deceased Tupac Shakur appear on stage along with them. Tupac of course, was not actually present, but a holographic depiction of him was, which was so convincing several drunken woman tried to take it home and several drunker men tried to kick it's ass. My point here is to show just how far technology has come in this area, and how convincing holographic images can be, because I believe Neil deGrasse Tyson to be one of these visual deceptions.
I had always had a sneaking suspicion that the earth was flat, irrespective of what my teachers, parents, satellite photos, or logic said. It seemed pretty obvious to me when I stood on something high, that as far as I could see, everything was perfectly level. However, this is not something one is anxious to admit in a biased society that is quick to judge and even quicker to ridicule. Then one day I came across what could very well be the greatest web site since that one that lets you put funny captions over pictures of cats, The Flat Earth Society.
At the risk of being labelled a person who only relies on anecdotal evidence to bolster the truth of their claim, I am now going to do exactly that.
In November of 1994 my two year old nephew, Forrest Gump (his parents were big fans of the movie), received an Influenza shot from the same hospital he was born in. Today, Forrest Gump is in jail for urinating off a balcony, onto the head of the cultural attaché of Uganda.
I am a lover of all thing Star Wars and deep into astrology, which I believe, gives me a more advanced opinion then most in regards to the credibility of the Apollo moon landings. I have perused the videos, read the books, and spoken with several people who claim to have been living on the moon at the time. My conclusion is that not only did the Apollo astronauts not land on the moon, but that the entire mission was nothing more than an elaborate ruse perpetrated by the American government. Admittedly, most of my evidence for this consists of a really strong feeling, and an episode of Sponge Bob Square Pants I once saw.
For several years now I have been researching the claim that the earth is four and a half billion years old and not six to ten thousand, like the bible says. Most of my research in the area of an old earth (and by 'most' I mean all) has come from the Wikipedia page "Age of the earth", and my friend Steve, who has read dozens of book jackets on the subject. Much of the Wiki page is filled with long confusing terms like, 'radiometric dating', and 'thermal gradients', which are obviously fictitious words used to confuse the less enlightened, whereas, the bible uses terms like 'woman be silent', 'stone the infidel', and 'dash thy little ones against the stones', which anyone can understand, even the real dummies.
I'm not a potato, although this is what the proponents of evolution would have me believe. Luckily, I went to community college for half a semester so I'm a little more savvy then the average person. But, the typical idiot on the street may not have the intellectual tools to fend off the nonsense peddlers who promote these lies as scientific reality. Carl Darwin himself, was said to have had a death bed confession where he admitted to wearing woman's undergarments and getting enjoyment out of poking squirrels with a sharp stick, not that this has anything to do with evolution, but it does say a lot about his character.
I recently became aware of a grumpy old curmudgeon who, for the past several decades has been offering one million dollars to anyone that can prove psychic, supernatural, or paranormal ability under satisfactory observation. According to his website, hundreds of people have attempted to collect the prize, all to no avail.
First off, let me say that I AM aware GMO's do not kill babies (yet), but I wanted a flashy headline, and "O.J. Simpson, Not Guilty", was already taken. GMO's or, Genetically Modified something or others, are the worst scourge to hit the world since the Olsen twins. It is a process by which food is altered on a genetic level in order to change its cellular structure from something edible and beneficial, to a mutated aberration that causes a misalignment of Chakral energy. GMO's have also been said to cause impotence in men over 90, although it should be noted that this is something I just now made up.