A great way to get in touch with your subconscious mind and understand yourself more deeply is by keeping a dream journal. If you're anything like me you have difficulty remembering which hole to put your food in, never mind what dreams you had the night before. Keeping a journal takes those once fleeting images and allows you to preserve them in a useless book no one wants to read.
Welcome to the 2017 "Pits of Hell" brochure, your go to guide for dining, accommodations, tourist attractions, and so much more.
Explore 9 exciting levels of Hell that bring to life the misery and anguish of the damned through amazing attractions, entertainment and dining! With so much to do day and night, the Pits of Hell will have you rushing out to murder a stranger just so God will banish you to their exhilarating depths.
What do these five things have in common:
- a Pilipino bee keeper
- zero medical training
- slight retardation
- no social skills
- a fondness for pudding
Answer: they all perfectly describe the holistic practitioner I get my medical advice from.
Setting: A classroom, midday. A slender man with thick glasses stands in front of a battered desk lined with dozens of bottles of alcohol. The room contains only two other people; the first is a large blue man with four arms, draped in gold jewellery and gems. All around him can be seen a faint golden light that appears to be emanating from the man himself.
Stuffed uncomfortably into the seat next to him is a six foot tall, golden eagle. Upon its head sits a crown, which manages to stay in place even as the bird's massive head spins with lightening speed from left to right as it examines the room. It does not appear to know where it is or why it's there, nor does it seem to care.
Release Date: June 19, 1973
Director: William Friedkin
Producer: William Peter Blatty
Screenplay: William Peter Blatty
Stars: Linda Blair, Ellen Burstyn, Max Von Sydow, Lee J. Cobb, Jason Miller
The Exorcist taught me a great deal about demons and what they do to occupy their time while on holiday from the pits of Hell. For instance, did you know that demons delight in entering children more often than a Catholic priest with a Super Soaker full of chloroform? How about their fondness for pissing on floors, walking like crabs, or shoving crosses in their tiny vaginas? I'll bet before the Exorcist most people were unaware that demons enjoyed tossing priests out the window (an act which I consider to be their only attribute).
Constipation is one of the more sinister aspects of the good lords creations, especially when the feces becomes impacted. There are a myriad home remedies available for those suffering from this condition, most of which involve prevention rather than treatment. Once this uncomfortable and oft times painful ailment goes too far, laxatives and prune juice become as useless as snow shoes at a tap dancing contest. It is at this point that many people find themselves on the business end of a frightening apparatus strictly designed to inject large amount of fluid into the anus and bowel, know as an enema machine.
I'm no geologist but I do live next door to one, which kinda makes me a rock expert through osmosis, and I say the center of the earth is as empty as the lyrics to a Nickelback song. No lower mantel. No inner core. No creamy center. Just a big useless void without meaning or function.
I was recently lucky enough to sit down with A-list super star Tom Cruise and discuss the rumor that he is now being proclaimed a god in the world of Scientology. The following is transcribed from our brief, but informative interview.
Are you of lesser moral character? Do you think you can see the future? Would you prefer to remain in your underwear for the majority of the day? Well look no further, we have the perfect opportunity for you.
Last month, as I lay on my back in the park wondering if I would rather be the front of a Human Centipede, or the back, I spotted a jet liner passing through my field of view. I couldn't tell if it was really small or just very far away but what I did notice was the long line of white mist left in it's wake.
1776 will long be remembered for three significant occurrences; the drafting of the Declaration of Independence, on July 4th, the first use of the term "Yolo," and the founding of the super secret guild bent on global power known as, the Illuminati.
Growing up I never gave much thought to sticking things up my butt, it seemed uncomfortable, potentially messy, and something that would most certainly haunt my dreams. But that was long before my friend Dan informed me of the "bad toxins" that were coursing through my colon as a result of too many cheese slices and Skittles.
The following account is as truthful as any other you may read on this subject.
It began with a light more brilliant than a million stove clocks. I felt no fear or worry, my nerves were steady and my body was relaxed. As the world I knew vanished before my eyes, the same exhilaration I feel when snorting Pop-Rocks, washed over my body. I had no regrets or longing for any of my earthly possessions, other than my cell phone, chap stick, nail file, ear buds, vaporizer, yo-yo, and about a dozen other things I could easily have fit in a fanny pack, had I only known I were dying.
Being a collector of flamingo-related items, seems like an amusing and sensible way to spend your money, but it's not without it's drawbacks. As any serious hoarder can tell you, finding the space to proudly display your collection around the home can become difficult as you accumulate more and more of whatever it is you have chosen to waste your life on.
At last I figured out what it is I want to do with my life. After all these years I've finally discovered the career I've always been looking for. The crazy thing is, I didn't even know it existed until about a month ago.
My dog, Edgar Allan Poop, was recently diagnosed with Canine Lymphoma. It's a common type of cancer that affects lymph nodes, bone marrow, liver, and spleen, but can also be found in the eyes, skin, and gastrointestinal tract. The exact cause isn't exactly known yet, although my buddy Kainen thinks (and I agree) it's probably caused by sniffing too many crotches.
ANNOUNCER: Live from Hollywood, California, it's The Dating Game. Now, let's all put our hands together, and give a great big welcome to your host, Skip Cleavage.
I have a very unique talent only my mom thinks is impressive. Like Mozart with music, or Bill Clinton with adultery, it is an innate talent which I have possessed since early adolescence. I've been doing it for years and believe I am one of the best there is. What I'm referring to is the ancient art of Foot Reading, or "Solestry," to those of us in the business.
The idea that our soul or spirit reincarnates is as old as my grandmothers bladder issues. For thousands of years people have held deep rooted beliefs that the life they are currently experiencing is nothing more than another link in an everlasting chain of existence.
(1/20 - 2/18)
-As Mercury fondles the balls of Pluto, it becomes obvious that secrets may surface. Burn all records of the money you embezzled, tell your boyfriend your wife is suspicious, and let the kids know who their real dad is, because very soon it will all come crashing down. You have had an exciting few years of midget orgies and rectal piercings, but reality has caught up with you, and it's time to make a change.
People are ass-holes. I don't mean that as an insult, more as a matter of fact. People are ass-holes. Not all people, mind you, just the ones that breath oxygen, the rest I'm okay with.
A while back a co-worker tried to convince me this wasn't true, but he's an ass hole too, so what the hell does he know?
I've been having problems with my back ever since I started sleeping in the bathtub. The reasons for doing this are slightly personal and I don't feel like going into them right now, lets just say it has something to do with a bladder control issue and leave it at that. Anyway, since I've been spending my nights curled, uncomfortably on cold fiberglass, I've begun to develop an irritating twitch in my back that causes my right leg to unintentionally kick at random moments throughout the day.
My friend, Finnegan Fizgig, claimed to be clairvoyant, which means he could read minds and see into the future. I'd love to ask him why it was he didn't use his powers of precognition to see the garbage truck that backed over him, but sadly, he's dead because of it.
Are you looking for an exciting new career in an otherwise dull life? Have you always wanted to treat women like a freshly picked booger you wipe under a chair? Does the idea of fondling 144 breasts in the after life appeal to you? Well, look no further than the exhilarating new world of Islamic Extremism.