For years, bishops and priests have been accused of covering up sex abuse in the church by not reporting pedophile priests to authorities along with sponsoring the 'Naked Boys & Kool-Aid' picnic, on the last Tuesday of every month. Even the Vatican failed to take action over the years ― a misstep Pope Francis has tried to remedy in part by selling his stock in Viagra and ceasing the yearly NAMBLA meet and greet at the Vatican, a gesture which many consider long overdue.
Cardinal Jeremy Sus Scrofa heads the commission of 42 members, which also includes the Vatican's former I.T. expert in charge of installing cameras in urinals, Bishop Charles Ghastly, Reverend Timothy Smegma, head of the Center for Erectile Dysfunction at the Pontifical Sodomy Academy, and one abuse survivor, known only as, "The Gimp."
The commission reported that its members have already begun efforts to educate clergy on the difference between fully developed genitalia and those of a minor by delivering several talks and workshops involving a rubber phallus, a photograph of the Little Rascals, and saltpeter.
"These efforts will continue until the press stops paying attention." Said Reverend Smegma, between bites of a corn dog, "Oh, and until the clergy stops screwing kids."
Smegma says he hopes to convince new bishops and cardinals to come to him for "relief" when the urge to fondle a toddler arises. "We're never going to stop the impulse for sexual release." commented Smegma, "It's one of Gods little tests. But after much deliberation and hours of prayer, the Lord has directed me to seek out clergy in need of gratification. With the help of God and a rubber glove, I shall personally help to relieve as many priests of their sinful juice as possible."
The report also announced the establishment of a day of prayer for victims of sexual abuse. "It would not be feasible to financially compensate all those families effected by an aroused priest." Says Cardinal Sus Scrofa. "For this reason we have decided to implement a day of prayer instead, which will allow us to continue hording our wealth while still giving the appearance we care."
Smegma and the Gimp are scheduled to work with new bishops in parts of Africa and Asia as well. Smegma says he's mindful that most new bishops in isolated parts of the world are not aware that young boys are off limits. When questioned as to what his role in the education of clergy in the third world would be, The Gimp replied, "I sleep in a box." Then climbed under a desk and refused to come out until we left.
Doubts remain, however, as to how effective these new measures will be in squelching the sinful desires of clergy. "I do have reservations about the effectiveness of our program." Says Bishop Ghastly. "Unless children stop wearing such provocative pull-ups and stimulating onesies, I fear honest, well meaning priests will not be capable of resisting their allure. We of course take responsibility for our actions, but when will children and the parents that dress them, accept their role in this epidemic?"
Cleveland attorney Vincent Parry, who was portrayed in the film "Diddling the Pope" as a key figure in bringing the crisis to the forefront in 2001, told Fox News he believes the commission is simply a way for dirty old men to get together and talk about fondling youngsters, which this reporter tends to agree with.