I've never had one person tell me they think there is something wrong with me because I sleep in a bed shaped like the Millennium Falcon, or refuse to drink clear liquids, but when I mention that Christmas is bullshit and I would prefer to skip it entirely, they immediately make the proclamation that I'm an ass hole or that there is something wrong with me.
I had my fun with the season as a child but now that I'm an adult, getting together with friends and family for Christmas seems like such a waste of time, especially since we see each other so often as it is. We celebrate birthdays and graduations, anniversaries and parole hearings. We have BBQ's and Super Bowl parties. We hold gatherings for the birth of babies and wakes for the death of old relatives whose name no one remembers. We show up at each others houses with bottles of whisky and sit in hot tubs while talking about old times and peeing in the warm water. We meet on golf courses and basketball courts to pretend like were still in shape, or go camping on long weekends and share the same roll of toilet paper. So, by the time Christmas comes around, I've had an impacted ass full of everyone I know and would much prefer to be left alone. And this (I am told) makes me an ass-hole.
I'm actually thinking of converting to Judaism just for an an excuse to not give a shit about the baby Jesus. For some reason telling people I'm an atheist holds no weight in the 'Christmas is bullshit' arena, but saying your Jewish gives you an immediate pass. People nod their head in understanding when told you don't celebrate for religious reasons, but when you tell them you don't celebrate because you would rather be playing Call Of Duty or you think Jesus was a bit of a dick-hole, their judgemental fingers begin waving like a flaccid penis in a wind storm.
I wouldn't have to convert to Judaism, mind you, any old religion will do as long as it didn't involve the worship of that dead guy in all the paintings at church. I could even invent my own religion like L. Ron Hubbard or the vagrant who lives in the bushes behind my house.
Oh, I know what your thinking, "What about your kids? Don't they deserve to enjoy the pleasures of the holiday season?" Well, without wanting to sound like a complete douchebag, but knowing I will anyway.....Fuck the kids!
All year long Grandma and Grandpa are passing them money under the table, bringing them the newest and best video games and buying them clothes that are so nice my wife and I were forced to upgrade our wardrobes in order to keep from looking like a couple of homeless people next to them. My kids have a nicer cell phone than me and have traveled to more parts of the country. When it comes to wanting for nothing, my kids have it covered, making the whole gift giving part of Christmas, superfluous.
Having said all that, I may be amenable to the celebration of a new holiday based around the winter solstice. Here in the Northern Hemisphere the winter solstice marks the spot where the days begin to get longer, signifying summer is slowly inching its way back, which means I will soon be stealing my neighbours pot plants again (Yahoo). Not to mention the solstice is a verifiable astronomical event that doesn't require your belief in magic babies or that Joseph was dumb enough to think his wife was actually a virgin.
I've heard there are a growing number of secular people that celebrate "Festivus", the holiday created by Frank Costanza, on the TV show Seinfeld. This would certainly be something I could get behind. The whole idea of the yearly "Airing of grievances" as part of the Festivus tradition is one that appeals to me immensely. I think I would enjoy the holidays much more if I knew I'd be able to tell my sister what I really think of her showing my six year old daughter how to twerk or my wife how to use teeth during oral.
So I'll just muddle through Christmas day with a phony smile pinned to my chin. I'll eat too much candy and drink too much wine, maybe throw up on the cabbage rolls again, or punch a hole through another TV. I'll pretend to be joyful and gay all night long, then go to bed with a simper and wake up knowing there are only about 350 more days to go until people start call me an ass-hole again.