I would assume that some of you, after hearing such an incredible claim, would require greater evidence than merely my word. To you unbelievers I say, don't be ridiculous, what kind of fool would lie about being lactose intolerant?
It may even be possible that a few of you are incredulous about my U.F.O. claims, to you people I have only two words....DAN AYKROYD.
Dan Aykroyd is not just known for his most famous movie roll of all, Doctor Detroit, but also his portrayal of an alien with cranial deformation, in Coneheads. If you've seen this movie you know he wasn't hired for his acting skill but because of his vast knowledge in the area of spooky alien stuff, and Dan Aykroyd says the aliens are coming. He also says turkey gravy makes a fine house paint, so I'm not sure if we should be taking him too seriously, but that's for another blog.
Personally, I don't need anything other than the word of Elwood Blues to convince me of alien encroachment, but I understand how some people may want a little more evidence than that. Too bad I'm not going to provide any.
I don't think we should be scared when the aliens liquefy the brains of our world leaders, nor should we use that liquid to fill waterbeds, what we should be doing however, is showing our soon to be overlords that we are not an easily subjugated species. Displays of strength and courage in the face of adversity may be our only way to win the respect and admiration of those who are soon to devour our eyelids.
Once they are convinced of our propensity to war and inability to back down, they may just change their minds about killing us and move on to another planet full of stupid hippies that have been too busy loving one another to invent a bazooka.
I have taken to carrying both a hand gun and a laser pointer on my person at all times. When I see an object in the sky I immediately begin firing bullets and flashing laser beams. So far I've killed two parakeets, shot the big toe off of one hang glider, and crashed an Airbus A319, but no space ships to speak of.
Even though my attacks have yet to kill anything other than my daughters birds (and about 300 Australian tourists), I know full well the aliens are watching and will be thinking twice about using my empty skull for an ashtray.
I suggest you run down to 7-11 and pick yourself up a couple of shotguns and maybe a few hand grenades as well, unless you want to end up as an alien sex slave (which sounds better than it actually is). The aliens need to see that you're not some pussy out of a Laura Ingalls novel, but you are a strong, ferocious, sometimes gassy, Homo Sapien, that doesn't take shit from anyone, yet is still thoughtful enough to send your mother flowers on her birthday.
If weapons and hostility are not your style perhaps you could try some simple psychological tactics to keep the aliens from sucking your brains out with a shop-vac. Studies show that running through the streets naked while flinging warm feces at passing motorists, has a negative effect on those witnessing the behaviour. It also decreases your chances of getting laid by nearly 11%.
If enough of us can feign lunacy there is a very good chance the aliens will decide not to invade our planet for fear of getting shit all over them. Just ask yourself, "Would I melt someone's pancreas with an ion beam if there was a chance of getting poop on my shoe?" For those of you struggling with this question, the answer is, NO.
Whatever it is you're going to do, do it now, the aliens are coming and there's no room in my bunker for you (actually there's plenty of room, but I'm not letting you in). They are well equipped, technologically advanced, mentally superior, and much better dancers than us. Our only chance of defeating such superior beings is all that stuff I mentioned and perhaps some other things I can't think of right now because I'm drunk on NyQuil.
We must put away the petty differences that plague our species and join together as one unified coalition with a single purpose; to insure the human race continues it's long tradition of bigotry and violence against those we find inferior while simultaneously creating cool video games and turning fuzzy animals into hats.
I believe we have the power to stop the inevitable invasion from space (not really), but we must act now, or should I say you must act now, because I'll be safe in my bunker watching all nine seasons of Seinfeld for the fifth time, while you're being devoured by space goons.
So good luck my fellow humans. I pray that most of you live through the coming ordeal and retain your useful limbs and organs, but even if you don't, I'm probably not going to loose much sleep over it.