Low level lasers are referred to as "cold" lasers because the people who named them have no imagination. They do not release energy in the form of heat and can not be used to burn a hole in the eyelid of a sleeping friend. The light wavelength emitted from a low level laser excites blood circulation, encouraging regeneration of normal healthy tissues. And for those of you wondering if you can use it on your hairless cat to make him look less like a penis with legs, the answer is yes......if you don't like your cat.
However great they may be, lights and lasers are not for everyone. For example, several unsuspecting vampires have reportedly been turned to dust while receiving low level light therapy. Lasers have also been found to blind people who stare into them for more then an hour at a time. But most shockingly, albinos have been known to develop a fine particulate around the target area which tastes strikingly similar to that of a powdered donut. Yet with all these drawbacks the demand for laser/light therapy has never been greater.
Critics of low-level light therapy point to studies which cast doubt on its efficacy, claiming lights work no better than gluing a rat to your scalp, or wearing a box on your head. Despite these critiques clinical trials of FDA approved portable devices have been promising, reportedly resulting in only three hundred and seventeen deaths over a six week period. Although this number may seem high it must be noted that every causality was found to have New Kids On The Block in their iPhone playlist, so their passing is no big loss.
There have also been controlled clinical studies that show light therapy helps not only men but women as well. It works for hair loss from chemotherapy or a fire eating stunt gone awry. It regrows the eyebrows you spilled battery acid on, or gives you a pubic bush so full and lush it will be the envy of everyone at the waterpark.
Testimonials regarding the efficacy of laser light treatments can be found on message boards across the internet. A brief sample has been provided below to give you an idea of what actual users have to say about the product;
- "For the past ten months I've been waiting for my husband to fall asleep and then shining the light on his fat ass, the hair has been growing out thick and coarse. He's been to three different doctors trying to figure out why it is happening but none of them seem to know. Next week I'm going to start shining it on his feet. After that I'm getting a divorce." - Shelly Dean, Nova Scotia
- "I shined the light in my mouth and now I have to mow my tongue once a month." - Sid Marx, Georgia
- "I look like a Down Syndrome version of Uncle Fester, so when I heard about a machine that could regrow hair I got so excited I pushed my girlfriend out the window. The device worked great, and once I got my hair back strangers stopped throwing beer cans at my head and started throwing dog doo. I consider that an improvement." - Bartholomew Furrow, Runyon National Park
- "On a good day my wife looks like Yoda with Lupus, on a bad day she looks like me, so you can understand why I keep the shopping bag on her head. The moment she started using laser light therapy her hair began to grow back and now I almost want to have sex with her again.....almost." - Jason Tylor, His Mothers Womb
- "I always wanted hairy forearms but God cursed me with a giant penis instead. When my friend Tod told me about LED light therapy I got so excited I kissed him on the mouth. Luckily he died in an apartment fire the next day so nobody found out we kissed. The light treatment was amazing, it completely restored my self-esteem, allowing me to once again urinate in public with confidence." - Some Guy In The Park
Before starting any light treatment users should thoroughly wash their hair to remove any natural oils, hair products or semen. Unless you are Beldar Conehead, most portable devices should fit snugly over your noggin. For overall benefit, experts recommend you avoid mud wrestling, skydiving, or equestrian activities during the procedure. Once new follicles begin appearing, you should continue using the device at least once a week or until your hair becomes to thick to wear a fedora.
Laser light therapy is a life long commitment which must be continued by the user. The moment your follicles stop receiving the nutrients contained within the light, is the moment your hair begins to die and you go back to being unfuckable.
Most machines can be found online and offer a money back guarantee if you happen to die during use. Shipping is usually eight times the cost of the device, but that is only because they are trying to rip you off and you are stupid enough to let them.
So if your sick of seeing clumps of hair in the mashed potatoes, or your dog is trying to play fetch with your head, it may be time to do something about it....or not. I really don't care.