Lately, I have been growing increasingly worried about one of your followers misunderstanding my recent comments about you resembling a bloated sack of diaper waste, and deciding to chop my head off because of it. I am also concerned that you may have misinterpreted the picture of Muhammad I painted below the water line of my toilet, as an attack on your magnificence, rather than a way to shit on the face of your profit, which is all it was meant to be.
I am told by the same people who would chop off my hand for stealing a Ring Pop, that Islam is a religion of peace and you are a merciful God. They say you are simply misunderstood when you speak of killing unbelievers (2:191-193), beating adulterers (24:2), turning Jews into apes (2:65-66), and not allowing gays to have a parade (7:80-84), and I hope this is accurate.
I have never personally seen you do anything inappropriate so It may be true that you are a peaceful God, however many of the little minions that follow you around like a pilot fish with an explosive vest, don't seem to agree. Instead, they go to great lengths to cause an immense amount of carnage in your name.
I would like to suggest that you have a little talk with the seemingly endless supply of demented loons that spend their weekends wielding machetes and throwing fits over cartoons.
Yahweh once had a similar problem to yours and his solution was to throw on a flesh suit and come down to earth so He could tell the people to ignore all the barbaric drivel He previously suggested, and start loving each other instead. This is certainly something you could try.
You don't even have to come down yourself, you could send a profit like before, only be a little more discerning this time. Did you know that last guy was a pedophile and war monger? I suggest you check references with the new guy.
While you're at it you should have him amend some of your more ridiculous rules, like telling men without running water or an interest in personal hygiene it's a good idea to grow a beard. And if you're going to insist women wear a Burqa, can't they at the very least have it made from flowing white linen instead of thick black polyester, they do live in the desert, for Christ sake.
I don't expect you to pay attention to my modest requests, considering I am an evil unbeliever and you are a character in a book, but I feel a duty to let you know the fear your followers are generating.
People are getting shot, airports are blowing up, hot chicks are being covered up, The Big Bang Theory is still on TV, and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight. If ever there was a time in history the world could use you it would be now, unless of course your plan is for us to kill each other off so you can get on 'Mr. Toad's Wild Ride' without having to wait in line, in which case, I understand.
So, I beg you, please, get the sand out of the crack of your ass and take control of your minions before they get their grubby little hands on a nuclear bomb and drop it on the Vatican. On second thought, let them drop it on the Vatican first, then tell them to stop. Thanks.
Your book sucks.