I am sorry it has been such a long time since I have written, but I couldn't remember how to work the pen. You'll be happy to know that I have recently come to my senses and abandoned the religious cult I left home to join. They were sad to see me go, but Swami Bob said I could come back anytime to ride the mechanical bull and feed the manatee. He sure is a nice guy for a convicted pedophile.
Which brings me to some news you probably won't like very much. I have joined a different cult!
Before you get all crazy and start telling your friends that I died in a fire, let me first tell you something about this truly amazing group of people and their astonishing beliefs. I think that after you hear their wisdom you will be satisfied that I made the right decision when I dropped out of medical school to search for my inner light being.
They go by many names, most of which are Czechoslovakian and impossible to pronounce, but here in the west they are known as, Universe People or Cosmic People of Light Powers. The name alone is enough to get me to follow them into a wood chipper. Their belief system was devised by a man named Ivo A. Benda, and is based upon the existence of extraterrestrial civilizations communicating with Benda through telepathy, personal encounter, and Skype.
They are considered to be the most distinctive UFO religion in the Czech Republic. The Czechoslovakian government once said of Benda, "Were he made of gold he would be a national treasure, but he's not, so he can fuck off." Which some people thought was an insult, but I see it as an acknowledgment of existence, which is all that really counts in life.
According to Mr. Benda, extraterrestrials from another dimension operate a fleet of spaceships orbiting the Earth. They watch our population in order to help the good people who will one day be transported into another dimension. It sounds a little crazy, I know, but if you were to just meet Ivo Benda, you would see how impressive and wise he really is. He also defecates standing up, so it's nice that he and Dad have something in common.
Mom, you will be happy to know that Jesus is not thought of as a tranny with a beard, like the last cult I was in, rather he is believed to be a "fine-vibrations" being. I still don't know what the hell that means, but if I had to guess I would say it was something Benda made up after a sharp blow to the head. He also drinks a lot, and refuses to use any emoji except the frowny face, which makes his Happy Birthday texts confusing. Other than that, he is an amazing man.
His followers are just as impressive as him. We've had long conversations about overpriced pickles, movies that don't have the word "And" in the title, and weather or not drinking dish soap will make you fart bubbles. I feel like I'm learning something new every day, except Tuesdays, that's the day I get locked in a box with a wet racoon.
The more I read the philosophy of The Universe People, the more I wish I were illiterate. The concepts are deep and far reaching, touching on everything from the birth of consciousness, to why croutons scratch the top of your mouth when you eat them. Ivo Benda says, "Understanding the birth of awareness is the first step to remembering where you put your keys." I don't know what that means, but the guy who ties me to the bed every night before sleep, assures me it is profound.
I like it here very much (except Tuesdays) and plan on spending the rest of my life with these amazing people. I admit that to the casual observer Ivo Benda appears to be out of his mind, and to be fair, he is, but he is also very hygienic and almost never hits me when he's drunk, which is pretty much every day. Those two things alone make him better than my last cult leader, who never bothered to clean himself, and constantly beat me with the shin bone from his amputated leg.
So have no fear Mom and Dad, your son is safe and healthy. The six hours a day I spend scrubbing rust off the outhouse doors, keeps me strong and in shape, while the nightly ritual of memorizing shampoo and conditioner ingredients, keeps my mind sharp and alert. I have never felt more like a productive part of society in all my life.
I have made many friends here, most of whom have stopped spitting in my face when I say, "good morning." We play exciting games like, 'Snatch the old woman's purse' and 'Burn down the post office,' which makes us laugh like we did when we were children. My friend Puko says he has never seen anyone better than me when it comes to using a flamethrower, or at least he did before I accidently burned him to death.
I hope to see you again soon and miss you both a lot. Maybe one day the two of you could stop watching reruns of Murder, She Wrote, long enough to come visit me and my new friends. I could show you the beautiful gardens and where we burry the intruders. We could even go for a ride on our pet kangaroo, Pogo Stick.
I love you very much and think about you often.
Love and Kisses, your son