Not psychic? No problem. Here at Earl's Psychic Connection, you'll learn how to forgo logical reasoning and skepticism for a more obedient mental state filled with self-deception and gullibility. We work one-on-one with each student to purge their minds of rational thinking, allowing irrational belief to wrap is prickly fingers around your delicate psyche. Once doubt is purged from your brain, we fill it to capacity with magical drivel and spiritual hokum, guaranteeing your friends will mock you in private and your mother will wish she had the abortion your father suggested.
But Earl, is there any way to earn money with this stupid idea? Well, I'm glad I pretended you asked. In just four short weeks I can show you how to convince a grieving widow that you've been playing frisbee with her dead husband, whose final wish is too give you the deed to the cabin in Banff. Or how about having the family of a missing child pay you thousands of dollars to tell them their daughter is, "somewhere with trees and running water." The paths to financial gain are limitless for anyone willing to apply my proven techniques.
I hear some of you saying, "Wait a minute Earl, I don't want to earn my living lying to people and pretending to be something I'm not!" To you people I say stop being such a pussy, and let me try to put this in perspective for you; In North America we have proudly disposed of the monarchy and replaced it with our own form of royalty known as Hollywood. Movie stars are worshipped by millions of slobbering fans for doing nothing more than pretending to be something they are not. We flock in droves to theatres to watch a bogus version of reality played out by frauds who earn millions of dollars for convincing you they are not who they say they are. Those who excel in misleading the public are reward with statues and receive multi million dollar endorsement deals to hock perfume that smells like ass or beer that makes you piss yourself in public.
What we do at Earl's Psychic Connection is provide that same kind of lighthearted deception, minus the part where we tell people it's not real.
So if your tired of earning a decent living practicing medicine or arresting vagrants for shitting in public, why not come on down to Earl's Psychic Connection, where the coffee is always free, but the donuts are overpriced.
*The Spiritual Beacon does not endorse the views expressed by Earl, except for the part about Hollywood being full of shit.