I've tried every home remedy I could find and not a single one has done me any good. My doctor has prescribed all kinds of medications meant to loosen up my blockage, all to no avail. It has now reached the point where he has recommended I purchase a home enema kit to help release my uninvited guests.
However, I am terrified at the prospect of shoving a device up my back side and blasting it full of water, or coffee, or 7up, or whatever the hell you use. Just the thought of it has messed with my mind so much I've stopped sleeping on my stomach for fear of someone sneaking into my home at night and forcibly unclogging me.
And then, out of the blue, I stumbled upon a way to clear my blockage with minimal discomfort.
I came across an ancient technique used to remove excessive wax build up in the ear canal called, Ear Candling. The process involves a specially crafted candle about twelve inches long, the circumference of a finger, and similar in shape to that of a sharpened pencil. The pointed end is gently placed in the opening of the ear and the reverse side is lit. It is said that because the candle is hollow it creates a negative pressure within the flute, drawing the wax from the ear.
I'm sure by now you have figured out where I'm going with this.
Nowhere have I read that this same process would be effective in removing the hardened ball of Hot Tamales that currently resides in my bowels, but conversely, nowhere have I read about it not sucking those spicy little bastards from my guts. If this process has any legitimise, I should be able to place the tip of that candle in my butt (not too deep), light the end, and watch the flood gates open, so to speak. My only problem was where to find the candles.
I looked online, in the phone book, under my bed, all without success. Well, not completely without success, I could have ordered some on a website based in Honduras, but it would have taken six to twelve weeks to arrive, and I figured by that time I would either be dead, or so backed up with faecal matter, getting to the mailbox would be impossible.
I finally lucked out and found a local spa just down the street that offers facials, body wraps, manicures, and ear candling. For a mere twenty-five dollars people could relax in a vibrating chair, listening to Zamphier while a candle jutted from their head. I wasn't sure if they would be open to the idea of putting that candle in my ass, but when you really break it down, a hole is a hole, so why wouldn't they?
I was attended to by a lovely Asian lady who spoke very little english and never stopped smiling, except when I described what it was I wanted. She tried to explain in her broken english that putting objects in a persons rectum was not something they did, and if I wanted that sort of experience I needed to go to the Catholic church across the street.
I became emotional and started sobbing like a four year old trapped in tar. I explained how all of my friends had abandoned me, and how my parents and siblings refused to take my calls, which was true, but related more to my personality then my constipation. She eventually caved in after realizing just how desperate and sad I had become over my painful condition, the fifty dollar bill I slipped in her towel roll didn't hurt either.
I experienced a brief period of doubt when I saw the size of the candle, but Ling (which was her name) assured me, just like the kid at band camp did when I was fourteen, "only the tip would go it."
I was pleased to find there was very little discomfort when Ling placed the candle in my butt, and I even asked her to record the process for my viewing enjoyment on those lonely winter nights to come.
As the candle burned I pulled my phone out and began to search online forums discussing the process I was currently undergoing. I wanted to read some first hand testimonials from people that had experienced ear candling and revel in their success. The first one I stumbled upon was not what I expected.
Apparently, a young woman from Michigan had finished her session only to find that not only had the process not removed any of the cerumen, it had completely filled her ear canal with wax drippings form the candle. She was forced to see a specialist for six months in order to fully remove the clogged passage and now suffers from a persistent ringing in her ear.
This scared the hell out of me. What if my already overloaded butt was now being filled with a hard waxy plug? I immediately began looking for more testimonials.
I found one about a nurse who fell asleep during the process and burned down her entire condo unit. Another about a man whos dog drove the candle into his brain after leaping on it while it stuck from his ear. There were dozens of people who complained about punctured eardrums, hearing loss, vertigo, and a general feeling of stupidity after falling for such obvious hogwash. As a matter of fact, the only people I saw praising the treatment were those selling the damn candles. I even found a petition signed by more than 600 Otolaryngologists warning about the dangers of ear candling.
I wanted to rush from the room and rethink the desire to candle my bum, but it was too late. Ling had already pulled the extinguished stub from its stinky hole.
As is common after the procedure, she began to unwrap the stub of candle in order to show just how much material had been pulled from the area. Hoping to see a football sized lump of waste, I was sorely disappointed to find nothing but remnants of wax, some hair, and the head from a toy Stormtrooper I lost when I was seven.
It's now obvious to me the whole idea of ear candling is nothing more than a scam, which is why I'm so glad I never fell for it. Yes, I may have shoved that thing in my rectum, but I was never so stupid as to put it in my ear, like those fools I saw online. And I will certainly never do it again.
This experience taught me nothing because I'm not very bright, but if it had, it would be that Asian girls are very accommodating, and you should always, and I mean ALWAYS, question the person who tells you it's a good idea to shove a burning shaft into one of your openings.