Reminder to all Cardinals participating in tomorrows charity touch football match against the children of St. Christopher's Elementary School. The Holy Father would like to reiterate that all participating Cardinals are to refrain from making contact with the opposing teams genitals; this includes, tugging, rubbing, squeezing, or face diving into the crotch. Any deviation from this will be met with immediate removal from the game and loss of your little red hat.
The Topic of tomorrow nights group discussion has been changed from, "Who you callin' Protestant, bitch?" to "Why are the Mormons so weird?" (pencils and stationary not supplied)
Cardinal Bocchino celebrates his 10th year with us. It seems like
only yesterday he was seeking shelter from the Chilean Police
for deviant behaviour with a minor. Here's to 10 more years of
avoiding capture and sticking it to the man (or should I say boy? Ha, Ha).
A tour group from Switzerland will be arriving next month to view our living quarters. Volunteers are required to gather all personal belongings that may be considered "inappropriate" by the outside world. This may include such items as; plastic bags filled with pubic hair, paintings of naked cherubs, and DVD's with titles containing the word "Ramrod."
-February 28 - How to act like you care about the poor - 1:30pm in the Hall Of Lies
-March 4 - Vaginas; Tunnels to Satan's colon, or a place to keep your keys. - 10:00am in the cafeteria
-March 11 - How to wear a dress yet still feel like a man - 3:30pm in the garden
-March 14 - Wet dreams; a biological necessity or God's hand job - 11:30pm in Cardinal Inutile's bed chamber
Bishop Maiale's 'Gimp' escaped from his bed chamber on Tuesday night, please be on the look out. The Gimp was last seen wearing a red ball-gag, sparkly teal panties with rhinestone hearts, rainbow toe socks, and nipple rouge. Bishop Maiale has been sick with worry over the disappearance of his favorite companion and has offered a reward of a free one year membership to NAMBLA and a bottle of flavored lubricant to whomever finds his Gimp.
I'm sure by now you have all seen the painting that was recently purchased of the crucifixion now hanging in the vestibule. Cardinal Coglione has informed me that he was oblivious to the testicle hanging from our saviours loincloth when purchasing the painting in Naples. Despite our many requests the artist has refused to alter his work in any way, claiming exposed testis would have been a common occurrence during crucifixion. If anyone feels they have the artistic ability to paint over the unseemly ball and overly hairy sack it resides in, please contact Cardinal Coglione as soon as possible.
Sister Marry Cazzo has recently informed the Holy Father she is pregnant, yet refuses to divulge the name belonging to the guilty penis. The Pope realizes most of you are not interested in the naughty bits of women, but asks that you come forward if you have any information about the disgusting sex act that took place on Vatican property. He also suggests you try harder (no pun intended) to control your sexual urges, or at the very least do it in the hindquarters to prevent impregnation.
As many of you are aware the Pope recently punched a photographer in the nose for making a wise crack about his mother. Although Pope Francis strictly condemns the use of violence as a means of resolving issues, he feels his reaction was justified in this case and holds no guilt or remorse. The lawsuit filed against the Pope has been dropped by allowing the photographer to enter the vault and take as much gold and jewels as he could fit in his pockets. We would appreciate keeping this information within the Vatican walls since its dissemination could bring about questions regarding the amount of riches stored in our vaults and why it is not being used to feed or clothe the poor like Jesus suggested, instead of paying off assault victims and angry parents whose kids have been molested.
In last months issue of The Vatican Press it was reported Pope Francis was suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which accounted for the mysterious brown stains that would appear on back of his dress after sitting down too long. Pope Frank has since been to see several doctors who have informed him he is not suffering from IBS, but instead suffers from Poorly Wiped Syndrome, which is a nice way of saying he doesn't clean himself properly after defecation. So it turns out he is not sick after all, just lazy.
Bishop Maiale's Gimp has been found splashing about the Fountain of the Sacrament. After several hours of attempting to lure the Gimp away from the water with crackers and beer, he was finally shot in the hip with a tranquilizer and returned to Maiale's bed chamber. The Bishop would like to thank all those who expressed concern about the Gimp's disappearance and ensures the Gimp will be back in his box and ready for mounting by the end of the week.