When Charlton Heston was older, he became aware of his humble origins and decided to start killing Egyptians when he saw one beating a slave for stealing his parking spot. Because murder is bad (unless your God), Charlton Heston was forced to flee from Egypt into the land of Midian, where he hooked up with the daughter of Jethro Tull, and opened a small sheep shearing and shoulder waxing business.
One day, Charlton Heston decided to eat some mushrooms he found growing near the side of the road, which cause him to see God in some twigs that were smoldering. God told Charlton that he would like him to go back to Egypt and lead the Hebrew slaves into Canaan, the land promised to Abraham. Charlton Heston explained to God that he was busy looking for more mushrooms, and that since God was all powerful, he should just do it himself, leaving Charlton out of it. God responded to this suggestion by turning Charlton's penis into an avocado and threating to make guacamole, unless he changed his mind, which he immediately did.
A short time later, Charlton Heston went to see the Pharaoh, whom he knew very well because they grew up demeaning woman and worshiping cat's together. Charlton told the Pharaoh about God's demand to free the slaves, but Pharaoh said no because they were currently working on his man-cave, and the pool table was only half finished. This response was unsatisfying to Charlton who informed Pharaoh that if he did not let the slaves go, God would do nasty thing to his bum with a pool cue. Pharaoh scoffed at this, telling Charlton that he had had worse thing done do his bum, then his God could ever imagine.
God, who doesn't like being told 'no', poisoned the only water supply the Egyptian people had, by turning it to blood. Although Pharaoh was flabbergasted by the cruelty of Charlton's God (and a little disappointed about not getting a cue in his butt), he decided not to let the Hebrews go free. Just then, a swarm of slimy frogs burst forth from the river, entering every home and business so no matter where you stepped, they pop underfoot like little baggies of intestines.
It finally occurred to Pharaoh that he was dealing with a sociopath, so he decided to let the people go free. However, before he could do this, God intervened, removing Pharaoh's free will by hardening his heart so that he no longer wanted to release the slaves. God, pretending like he had nothing to do with it, acted surprised at Pharaoh's decision and released yet another plague, this time consisting of swarming gnats.
Pharaoh again tells God he gets the point and will release the slaves, but God hardens Pharaoh's heart once more so he can continue demolishing Egypt in all sorts of fun ways, including; puss filled boils that covered both people and animals. Locust, which swept through the region. Swarms of flies, which would have been worse had the frogs not been there to eat them. Death of the livestock, balls of fire raining down from the sky, the very boring, several days of darkness, which was obviously God running out of good ideas. And last, but certainly not least, the death of all first born children throughout the land.
With his blood lust now satiated, God allowed Pharaoh to finally release the Hebrews, who wandered off with Charlton Heston into the desert where there is no food or water.
Pharaoh, distraught over being pushed around by such a bully, changed his mind, deciding to gather together his army and hunt down the newly freed slaves. Unfortunately, he failed to realize that a God who can make fire fall from the sky and kill tens of thousands of children in a single night, would also be able to see him coming.
Because God is so clever, he devised an ingenious way of killing the entirety of Pharaoh's army in a single stroke. God parted the Red sea, allowing the Hebrews to easily cross, yet when the army of Pharaoh attempted the same, the water returned to it's place, killing everyone, including the horses and the guy that ran the mobile hot dog stand.
No longer worried about nasty old Pharaoh, Charlton Heston led his people to the base of Mount Sinai where they all celebrated their new found freedom by eating wild mushrooms and playing lawn darts. Just like the first time he ate mushrooms, Charlton once again spotted God burning a shrubbery, and went over to say "Hi".
God was displeased with the amount of grovelling by the people who's asses he'd saved (even though he was the one that put them there), so he decided to issue 4 laws to follow when sucking up to the creator of the universe, then tacked on six more obvious ones about not killing or stealing. Charlton Heston was instructed to deliver these commandments (which were written on tablets of stone) to the Israelites, but when he returned, he was shocked to find them dancing naked around a golden cow and brandishing glow sticks.
Charlton, furious at not being invited to the rave, smashed the tablets of stone in a childish fit of temper, then spent the rest of the night pouting in a corner until someone slipped ecstasy into his barley water.
When God found out Charlton had destroyed the tablets, he created down syndrome and genital warts, then reluctantly re-wrote the commandments, this time crocheting them on a doily so Charlton couldn't break them.
And so concludes the story of an event archeology has proven never happened. Charlton Heston went on to have many more adventures in his life, like the time he landed on a planet full of talking apes. He is considered by some to be the greatest prophet of God, and the writer of the first five books of the bible. He is revered for his courage and leadership skills, yet distained for his membership in the NRA. His story has inspired countless people to devour mushrooms they find growing on the side of the road, and brought millions to God. I think it's safe to say that without Charlton Heston, the world would have a difficult time understanding just how big an ass hole God is.