The Balance Kings line of magnetic bracelets are painstakingly handcrafted by homeless Asian children to create a field of energy around the wearer. This energy promotes balance, flexibility and strength using the magical frequencies first discovered by some guy on a mountain top.
Using the wonders of kinesiology we have discovered that eating things like hair and wallpaper can cause a negative reaction in the body. This leads to a litany of physical ailments such as throbbing earlobes and swollen pinky-toes, and an even greater collection of psychological problems including depression and a loathing for Eskimos.
It's hard to argue the fact that everything in nature resonates at a particular frequency. This is what keeps us from flying apart and scattering upon the wind like the toes I lost in the tree chipper. We react with frequency because we are a frequency. If you hold a bag of dog waste or an anal thermometer in your hand and hold your arm straight out to your side, then have someone push your arm down, it goes down easily because dog waste and an anal thermometer do not react positively with the human body. Adversely, if you put a Fudge Pop or a prosthetic penis in your hand and do the same test, you will find it is much harder to push the arm down because your body's energy field craves to be around things that are good for it. Using modern technology, Balance Kings has duplicated those positive energies and imprinted them onto our extensive line of bracelets and nose rings.
As if that wasn't enough, every bracelet is blessed by Swami Yogi Guru, a well known spiritual healer and recovering racist. At the completion of the manufacturing process the bracelets are shipped directly to his home in the dumpster behind our factory for inspection and blessing. Once completed, the bracelets are returned to the warehouse where the urine and blood is rinsed off and packaging can begin.
Each bracelet is lovingly wrapped in old copies of Mad Magazine and hermetically sealed in the hollowed out skull of an endangered species. This is done to prevent negative frequencies from contaminating the product and because we don't like animals.
Our experienced staff of convicted pedophiles recently conducted extensive testing on all of our products by recruiting 42 athletes to perform a series of experiments testing flexibility, balance, strength and vertical jump, before and after donning our bracelets. Without exception each athlete showed a noticeable increase in pustular lesions on the skin surrounding the bracelet. They also experienced itching, headaches, gas with oily spotting, pubic hair loss and excessive break pad wear, BUT not one of them fell down during the experiment, which confirms the claim that our product has beneficial effects on both balance and strength.
If our experiments are not enough to convince you of the power of Balance Kings, take a look at what a few satisfied customers had to say about the product;
"I like bracelets and I hate falling down, so when I heard about Balance Kings I immediately stole one. It turned my wrist green." -Bill Melater
"I lost both feet in a horrible cheese grader accident and the new ones they attached are to small. Thanks to my new Balance Kings nose ring, I can play hop-scotch without a helmet again." -Shelly Belly
"My stupid dog ate my bracelet and now he sleeps standing up. It's super creepy." -Me
"I was given $50 to say something nice about Bracelet Kings but I couldn't think of anything ." -A Guy Who Owes Us $50
Other bracelets manufactures offer money back guarantees and reasonable prices, but we here at Balance Kings don't believe in such marketing ploys. Our products are expensive, poorly manufactured and potentially fatal if licked, but unlike other companies we don't care and won't answer your phone calls.
So if you are sick and tired of your elderly parents calling every time they fall off the porch, or having to fish your baby out of the swimming pool, why not help them remain upright by giving Balance Kings a call.
Balance Kings is legally obligated to acknowledge that all claims made by Balance Kings, or it's subsidiaries, are false. Except last part.