Not to worry, Annabelle is fine but poor Chad is now locked in a cell for the next fifteen years for no other reason than he ran out of space for his stuff (and he tried to kill his wife).
This experience taught me a lot, not the least of which was to avoid Chad but it also taught me that without adequate room for my collectables the possibility of loosing my mind and beating someone to death with a flamingo-shaped meat tenderizer increases by one billion percent (It might be more, I'm not good with numbers).
So, in order to prevent myself from committing murder I decided to contact a Feng Shui expert to help me arrange my pretty pink collectables in the most efficient way possible.
For those of you not as smart as I think I am, Feng Shui is the practice of arranging your environment so that energy or "chi" flows smoothly through your home or business.
By doing this your surroundings will begin to feel good and help support what you want out of life, whether that be a better career, more attractive children, old people to stop talking to you, or your enemies to die in a buffalo stampede.
Feng Shui is based on the concept that everything in your environment has a life force called "chi." Just as chi flows through your body it also flows through inanimate objects like walls and furniture. By arraigning your environment in a certain way it permits the energy to flow just right, allowing all that surrounds you to support your desire for harmony, health, and happiness.
To my surprise the cost to hire one of these inferior decorators is around 700 dollars on average. That seems like a lot to have a stranger come over and tell you where to put your couch not to mention, for that money I could buy 106 pink flamingo lawn ornaments with enough left over to buy a cute flamingo tie to hang myself with.
Luckily, I'm very irresponsible with money so pissing away 700 dollars was something I had no qualms about.
The woman I eventually contacted showed up exactly seven minutes after telling her I'd be willing to pay her outlandish fee, plus provide finger sandwiches to snack on.
She looked a lot like that little psychic with the shrill voice from the original Poltergeist movie. She stood about as high as a Smurf who lost it's feet to diabetes and only removed her dark sunglasses long enough to scowl at the contents of my open bathrobe.
Her diagnosis was fairly quick; the energy in my house was not conducive to happiness because there was a negative energy field emanating from my neighbours place. So before any rearranging of furniture or sorting of flamingo paraphernalia could occur, I would need to deal with the "bad energy." After which, she would return, charge me another 700 dollars, and tell me where to put my bean bag chair.
I didn't really know my neighbour so I felt a little uncomfortable about telling him he needed to stop spewing his nasty energy all over my house, but if it meant a happier life and more organized home, I was willing to try.
Within seconds of my neighbour opening his front door I spied the source of the negativity. Just like me he was a collector, only his choice of collectables was that of cheetah related objects, which is one of the flamingos few natural predators. No wonder so much negativity was entering my home, his cheetahs were after my flamingos.
His furniture was spotted yellow and black, small porcelain cats lined every shelf in my view, his socks had little pom-poms shaped like cheetah heads, he was even in the process of devouring a bag of Cheetos which left his fingers and face a disgusting, yet somehow flattering, orange.
Without saying a word I decided to turn tail and leave. There was no way I was going to get him to stop his collecting of cheetah trash any more than he could get me to stop wearing my flamingo top hat to funerals. I needed a new plan.
I don't remember most of what I learned in school but I do remember that girls don't like it when you call them whores, and light is a form of energy. If we forget about the first part and focus solely on the bit about light being energy, we stumble upon an ideal way of deflecting the bad vibes originating from weirdo's home.
If I simply cover my entire house in mirrors, I could bounce the bad energy off my house and into space, where it would harm no one except a bunch of silly astronauts eating mush and peeing in bags. And who really cares about them?
Before you start patting my head and congratulating me on such a brilliant idea I need to mention the down side. Once I priced out the cost to cover my house, lawn, and trees, with mirrors, I found that for such an exorbitant amount of money I could just as easily purchase my very own nuclear weapon from the Russians and blow my neighbour the fuck up.
So to save a few bucks, I instead bought 1100 rolls of aluminum foil and began the arduous task of wrapping my home like a turkey full of beautiful flamingo stuffing.
My ex-wife once told me that I was a never ending stream of bad ideas, crooked logic, and gas, but that was long before I covered my house in foil. I'm sure if she saw me know, she'd retract that statement and move back in, if for no other reason than my home was now a reflective bunker, impenetrable to bad vibes and negative mojo.
And guess what, it worked. According to the fire department, the suns rays reflected off my walls in a concentrated beam focusing themselves on the inflatable cheetah mounted on my neighbours roof, causing it to burst into flames. Once the shingles caught fire there was no stopping the carnage. Thirty minutes later his house had disappeared into a pile of ash, taking all that negative energy with it. What an amazing bit of luck for me.
The Fungi Shui expert returned several days later and proclaimed my home free of negativity. She moved a foot stool and rearranged some of my "Flamingo Digest" magazines, then charged me another 700 dollars and took off.
Since then I have had nothing but good luck. I cant recommend Fung Shui enough. I realize it's costly and kind of stupid, but some of us are just too dumb to know where to put our furniture or collectables. Having a stranger come in and do it for us, frees up all sorts of time to do the important things in life, like reading ingredients labels.
Do yourself a favour, have an expert come over and evaluate your living space, or at the very least cover your house in aluminum foil, you wont regret it.