Piccolo phenome Bruno Ne'er-Do-Well, 24, vanished from his home last Tuesday while working on a top secret project. His disappearance sparked major interest among the online community when a video of his living room was leaked, with some proposing he may have been taken by aliens.
A well known extra-terrestrial, Zorpnoid is said to have impersonated deities on hundreds of planets where he would perform puerile magic tricks and feats of wonder before faking his own death and escaping into the sky.
Bruno is said to have been taken by disciples of Zorpnoid as a way to prevent this information from reaching the public (which it just did).
Fears are growing:
Investigators found the sky light to Bruno's room busted inwards and scorch marks on most of the roof tiles, suggesting a spacecraft had attempted to land on the house. They also discovered Bruno's clothing puddled neatly on the floor as if he had simply vanished from within.....or placed them there.
Police have stated that all possibilities of Bruno's whereabouts are being considered, even the one where Bruno eats himself one piece at a time until nothing is left.
Detective Ancillary, the lead investigator on the case, made a statement to the press early this week suggesting he didn't want to make a statement to the press until early next week and we should all just fuck off. Which we did.
In speaking with many of his close friends we discovered Mr. Ne'er-Do-Well was always worried about being abducted and would often wear multiple pairs of underwear as an added barrier against any probes an alien may want to insert.
Family members described his behaviour as, "unstable, impulsive, and bad for property values." His own father wrote a 2009 tell all book entitled, "Bruno, The Case For Contraception."
Bruno's mother, Nina Ne'er-Do-Well, went missing in 1999 under similar circumstances, the only difference being she was shot in the face and lit on fire by a vagrant.
The Neighbourhood is Concerned:
A midnight vigil was held at six o'clock this morning to show support for Bruno and pray for his safe return. Father O'Sullivan, from the near by parish, kindly offered to stop molesting children long enough to preside over the prayer service. Most of the neighbourhood was there to show support and share stories about the missing man.
"He was always so kind." An old woman living in Bruno's dog house said. "Without the chicken feet and lettuce he put in my bucket every night, I would probably be dead right now." Her expression of love and concern was echoed on every face.
One neighbour in particular told a compelling story about his own experience with extra-terrestrials.
"The little grey bastards used to knock on my door every Saturday and try to sell me Tupperware. I told them over and over that I wasn't interested but they just kept coming. I finally got the idea to kill one of them with a carrot peeler and hang the body on the front of my house. Well, that was all it took, I never saw one of those little freaks again. If only poor Bruno had an alien nailed to his roof, he might still be here today."
If you, or anyone you know, has any information regarding the whereabouts of Bruno Ne'er-Do-Well, or where I can get a dead alien to hang on my house, please Tweet your local police department using the hashtags, #wheresBruno, or #analprobesarefun