Because of my extensive knowledge in this subject and the fact that I've seen every episode of Ghost hunters, my friend asked me if I would come over and use my skill to help determine weather or not his house really was haunted or if he was just being paranoid.
My friend, lets just call him "Cabbage", reported several odd occurrences that led him to believe his new house was infested with spooks, the first of which were strange noise that seemed to be emanating from inside the walls. Cabbage stated that the sounds resembled mice crawling around, but that it could not be mice because the real-estate agent assured him there were no mice, and since real-estate agents were considered among the most honest of all professions, there was no reason to doubt this.
Cabbage also reported the sound of a woman's moaning coming from the direction of his neighbours bedroom, this I believed, would be the best place to set up a video camera to collect data.
Entering his house for the first time I was struck with an immense feeling of dread. My years of experience drawing pictures of ghosts allowed me to connect with the spirit realm in a way most people are unable to comprehend. I knew immediately it was haunted, and began to lay my ghost hunting tools on the kitchen table to prepare for the upcoming hunt.
My most valuable piece of equipment is an EMF meter, which is essential in ghost hunting. This device is used to measure ambient electromagnetic fields that are produced by ghostly stuff in haunted places. Cabbage tried to question me on the usefulness of this device, claiming that since there was no clear evidence of what ghosts were comprised of, there would be no reason to think an EMF meter would work any better at discovering a ghost, then a Love Meter is at discovering weather or not someone likes you. It was right about here that I used a chloroform rag on Cabbage, then drug his unconscious body out to the lawn, so that I could work in peace.
I first checked the upstairs which consisted of a large bathroom and two bed rooms. The bathroom contained a stunning Jacuzzi tub which I immediately filled and splashed around in for about an hour before deciding it was free of ghosts and spirits. The master bed room also seemed to be free of spooks, but I did notice a large change jar half filled with coins, that looked like a perfect place for a ghost to hide, so I took that downstairs with me and paced it in my bag for further examination at a future point. The last bedroom was covered, floor to ceiling in pictures of myself with all the eyes cut out, but no ghosts.
It was now time for me to check the basement which is the place ghosts like to hang out the most. Cabbage's basement was a true 'man cave', it contained a pool table, fully stocked bar, big screen T.V., and sex swing. There were posters of old time movie stars like Grace Kelly and Clark Gabel, hanging on the walls, and an elaborately adorned gas fire place in the corner, which I immediately turned on to frighten away any phantasms hiding within.
I was feeling so comfortable I decided to pour myself a drink from one of the many bottles behind the bar and shoot a game of billiards. To make it interesting I took a shot of bourbon every time a ball made contact with another ball, which in retrospect, was a bad idea. By the time my first game was over I had thrown up in every pocket of the table and gone blind in one eye, and if this was not bad enough, it also happened to be the moment one of the ghosts decided to make an appearance.
I saw it hovering in front of the fireplace, giving me a disapproving stare and shaking its head. It obviously didn't appreciate my current condition, which made me angry because I was an adult and if I wanted to drug my friend, steal his change jar, and drink all his booze, that was my business, who the hell did this dead guy think he was judging me like he knew anything about me. I got so angry I grabbed a bottle of whisky from behind the bar and hurled it at the ghost, which of course, passed right through it and exploded in the fire place causing a giant flame to engulfed the wall.
To my left was a fire extinguisher, but instead of using it to control the fire I tossed it through one of the windows and crawled out after it.
Cabbage was just coming to when I came running around the front, yelling about how the ghost was trying to burn his house down. He quickly called the fire department, but by the time they arrived there was nothing left of his home but a smoldering hole in the ground.
He was pretty angry at me, which I felt was uncalled for considering I was trying to do him a favour, and never once asked to be compensated monetarily for my services. He didn't even seem to care that my EMF meter and flashlight were destroyed along with all his stupid stuff.
This just goes to show you how dangerous the art of ghost hunting can be, I don't suggest you attempt it without the guidance and supervision of an expert like myself, or you may find yourself in a situation you'll regret.