First of all, it's very apparent that this message was placed before me by the supreme leader himself and I'm not referring to that fat little Hobbit running North Korea. God, the creator of toe fungus and grower of hemorrhoids is obviously attempting to contact me, but feels the need to do so through a breakfast tweet instead of just hopping into one of my dreams or stopping by on a Friday night for a beer and chit-chat.
"But what about the ten commandments?" You may be asking. "Didn't God write them with his own hand?" No, I don't believe he did, and here's why. God (supposedly) created the entirety of the universe in just six days, which means the infinity of stars, the countless planets, nebula, and supernova, all took him less then a week to create but according to Exodus It took God 40 days and 40 nights to carve a few commandments into stone while Moses stood by and watched. I call bullshit on that. The God who created everything could jot those commandments down faster then Bill Cosby can roofie a waitress, yet I'm meant to believe it took him over a month! Nonsense. Forty days is far too long a time for the creator of the universe to spend on some masonry work, however, it's just about the right amount of time if you are a lowly human being with a chisel and hammer. I believe Moses himself carved those famous word upon the rock then promptly told everybody it was Yahweh's handy work so as not to let on about God's embarrassing problem.
Lets move on to all those 'holy books' next. God never actually wrote the Quran himself, nor the Book Of Mormon, nor the Bible, instead he had a pedophile, a con man, and Charlton Heston do it for him, which explains all the historical inaccuracies and contradictions. Had God written any of those books he surly would have made himself out to be less of an ill tempered dick and more of a cool Han Solo type character. In his defence, God probably has no idea what sort of drivel is etched across those pages, if he did I assume he would immediately find himself a new prophet and ask him to start work on a revised edition. Although, judging from his poor track record at choosing people to interpret his word, it would probably be Kanye West or Tila Tequila who penned it.
There is one way to find out for sure weather or not God is dyslexic and that is to read what Jesus Christ wrote on the subject. Oh, wait a minute, we can't do that because Jesus didn't leave any writings. Why is that? God felt it necessary to take on human form so that he might come down to earth and teach us how to love people we'd rather slap, and forgive those who bang our wives, yet it never occurred to him to write any of this wisdom down for future reference. Instead, he allowed his message to be passed on orally from one ignorant peasant to the next until someone finally had the foresight to jot it down decades later.
This also says a lot about his character. As a human God spent the first 33 years of his earthly life studying the family trade of carpentry. He probably learned how to make bird houses and stash boxes, book cases and catapults, yet never bothered to use any of that time to learn the art of reading and writing. I think Woody Allen nailed it when he called God and "underachiever."
The depth of God's dyslexia is so great it even effects his speech. When Moses asked God what his name was, God responded with the ever confusing, "I am that I am." What the hell does that even mean? Normal people don't answer such innocuous questions with so ridiculous a response, unless there's something a little off about them. But, maybe I can help.
I hate to see anybody missing out on the immense joy that can be derived from reading so I would like to officially offer my services to teach God how to read. If you are listening Oh, mighty maniac in the sky, meet me at my place every second Tuesday and together we can overcome this debilitating handicap and introduce you to the wonders of the written word. We will begin with one of my favorites, Dr. Seuss, who's rhymes and imagery are sure to thrill you. From there we will move on to more complicated works, like Chinese food menus and instructions from IKEA. Before you know it you'll be reading The God Delusion and realising what a dick you are.
So, God, please, do us all a favour and learn how to read and write so you can start your own book and we can stop reading the ramblings of lunatics who claim to speak for you.
See you next Tuesday (please bring donuts).