This blog will lay out a ten step system that is sure to bring neurotic individuals by the bus load to your compound, where they will freely perform any menial task you wish while praising your name as if you were Jesus himself. Lets begin.
One: Find A Plot Of Land.
This first step is one of the most important, although I plan on saying that for every step. A large open area gives you a place to collect your young runaways while also providing them with the impression that they have the freedom to leave at any time, which of course is an illusion. Their escape can easily be prevented with a few simple booby traps consisting of electric fencing, land mines or well trained attack poodles. Having your followers build living quarters and a rec hall on the property also provides busy work to keep them occupied between orgies.
Two: Collecting Your Congregation.
The second step is one of the most important, without a bunch of people to brainwash it's just you sitting alone playing guitar for the squirrels. Acquiring your patsies is much easer then one may expect. As with all great Cult Leaders the prime destination for lost souls is the Greyhound bus terminal. Here you will find all manner of lonely runaways just waiting for some charismatic individual wearing sandals, to come along and tell them they are special and loved. As a side note, many Cult Leaders prefer to give the impression they are some type of deity, like Jesus Christ or Elvis Presley, if this strategy is one you plan on employing be sure your opening line conveys this and at no time break character. Later on, when they see you taking a dump behind a tree they will realize your just another disgusting human, but by then they will be behind the fence and it will be too late.
Three: Preaching The Word.
The third step is one of the most important because it is with words that you will be able to win them over and hopefully talk them into bed. Memorizing a few Bible quotes is always good but not necessary. I have found that all you need do is say something that sounds slightly profound like, "Death is for the dead, yet life if for the lifed", then immediately follow it up with "Mathew 21:4," or "First Corinthians 6:12," they will believe it came from the bible and trust whatever you say without question. People never bother looking anything up in the bible, they just assume if your saying it you must have read it there, because who would lie about such a thing? Turns out almost everybody.
Four: Speak In An Obscure Manner.
This step is one of the most important because in order to be a successful Cult Leader people need to believe that you possess a wisdom greater than their own. People don't like to admit when they misunderstand something so they will never question you on your nonsense, being unclear in your speech can make you sound profound when in actuality you are just talking out your ass. Here are some examples;
- We should all learn to love with the passion of the majestic oak tree who continues to love the dog even after being urinated on.
- Hush, do you hear that? It is the voice of God scolding banana cream pie for being so fattening.
- The universe is love, I am love, you are love, love is love, love love as if love was love itself.
- He who gives his heart to God will never need double bypass surgery, unless it is double bypass surgery he needs.
You get the idea. In the event you are unable to think of anything on your own, try heading to Deepak Chopra's twitter account and simply repeat anything you find there.
Five: Learn To Lie
One of the most important thing you need to learn is how to lie convincingly. This may seem easy at first glance but you'd be surprised at how many people have no idea how to lie, believe it or not there are even some people that prefer not to do it at all, which I believe is a mental disorder. Getting your slave girls to dance naked around the fire and your slave boys to dig holes for you to shit in, will not be possible if your honest about working at the Red Lobster on the weekends, so let the bull shit fly like you were that lady that told everyone she was black.
Six: Dress The Part.
Looking the part is one of the most important aspects of being a Cult Leader. Flashy jewelry and khaki shorts will do nothing to endear you to your followers, instead try growing out you hair and not bathing for several weeks, this will show them your distain for contemporary society and unwillingness to conform to its ideals, while at the same time saving you hundreds of dollars on haircuts and soap. On the surface flowing white robes seem like a perfect choice for anyone pretending to be a deity, but I would advise against them since they are very difficult to keep clean. Parading around with revolting yellow stains under your arms and fecal remnants on your back side is the quickest way to loose the confidence of your followers. Also, try and steer clear of tight t-shirts that show off your nipples, not for any reason that has to do with this topic, I just hate seeing man nipples.
Seven: Learn A Musical Instrument
At first glance this may seem unnecessary but it's actually one of the most important parts of being a Cult Leader. There are going to be many long nights sitting around a fire with your devotees, while you spew drivel about love, the universe and how "the man" is out to get them. Knowing how to play a few simple chords on the guitar or tuba, will help to break up the monotony of your nonsense while at the same time creating an atmosphere for bonding as they sing along with you. If you don't have to time to learn an instrument there are many that require no skill what so ever, like the tambourine, bongos, and didgeridoo.
Eight: Create A Birth Narrative
How you were born is one of the most important thing to consider. Nobody is going to give their life over to someone that fell out of their mothers vagina, just like they did. All the greats have had some sort of mystery surrounding their birth; Jesus was born of a virgin, Buddha's mother was impregnated by a magic elephant, Moses was floated down the Nile, Donald Trump was conceived when his mother fell into an outhouse, the list goes on and on. Create something unique to yourself and never be afraid to act violently offended when someone questions you on it's reality. Always remember, when caught in a lie never admit to your bull shit or retract your statement, instead dig in your heals and demand to be take seriously, this will not fool intellectually secure people, but no worry, theses aren't the people you'll be dealing with.
Nine: Write A Book
I know I said all those other thing were the most important but that was a lie, this one is the most important. How great would it be to have your very own version of the bible, only with less killing and more fornicating? You'd be surprised how many people think any ridiculous thing they read is true simply because someone took the time to write it down. To convince you of this I need only mention two names, Dianetics, and The Book Of Mormon. Having your own "Holy Book" will allow you to manipulate your followers into preforming any action you wish, be it convincing them they can only eat pork if it's been run through a blender and drunk through a straw, or that Sundays must be reserved for the worship of a golden aardvark, the only limit is your imagination.
Ten: A Large Vat Of Poison Kool-Aid
I hope this is something you will never need to use, but having it around is very important. Lets just say that a swat team has decided to perform a raid on your compound because you have a cache of military rifles, several hundred hand grenades and a small nuclear weapon capable of destroying a city the size of Sacramento. Let us further say that the parents of your underage wives have decided to retrieve their daughters, whom you have spent many months brainwashing into believing you are Jesus Christ reincarnate. Would you be able to live knowing all that sex and all those accolades were going to end and you were going to spend the rest of your life in a prison cell calling an angry tattooed man sweetheart? Of course not. In this scenario, which is far more likely then you might think, the only option is suicide and nobody wants to take their life alone, hence the poison. I suggest putting something in your book about how you go straight to heaven and get a bunch of virgins if you die by way of grape Kool-Aid, this should make convincing your congregation to follow you into the afterlife much easer.
If you follow these ten easy steps you will be well on your way to becoming the kind of Cult Leader emotionally shattered runaways will clamor to follow. So get that land, write that book, find that nuclear bomb, and your life can be the kind you have always dreamed of, only with more power and less bathing.