Driving is even worse, I actually had to alter my license plate number with a Sharpie marker to keep from being identified by the endless stream of victims I ran over during the course of an average day.
And then, a good friend of mine who was tired of me kicking his cat into the pool, suggested I try Magnet Therapy. He said his mother had also been having issues with her back until she heard about the healing effects of magnets. Being overly frugal she refused to purchase any of the bracelets, necklaces, or shoe inserts most commonly used, but instead opted to fill her pockets with a wide array of fridge magnets she had collected from airports and gas stations, over the years.
According to my friend, his mother's pain vanished like a Malaysian airliner the moment she started carrying magnets, and would only return when she forgot to fill her pockets, or sobered up.
I was fairly skeptical about his claim as I am with everything my friend tells me since discovering he's a republican, but I also consider myself to be fairly open minded and always willing to try something new, no matter how ludicrous it may appear on the surface.
Before I was willing to spend several dollars on a cheap plastic wristband I decided to do a little research on the subject of magnet therapy, just to see what the medical community had to say about the phenomenon. It turns out they feel the same way about the efficacy of magnets as they do about putting marbles in your nose; it may not kill you, but what's the fucking point.
Many companies that sell these therapeutic magnets claim that a small magnet inside of a bracelet or other device helps increase blood flow to the area of the body where the device is worn, which immediately had me asking, "do they make cock rings with magnets in them, and if not, why?"
This increase in circulation supposedly works because blood contains iron and magnets attract iron, however the iron in blood is bound to hemoglobin and is not ferromagnetic, which is a fancy word for, "no sticky to magnet." If blood was ferromagnetic, you would not only see large chunks of metal stuck to giant scrap yard magnets, but also the operator himself, dangling among the wreckage. And heaven forbid you needed an MRI. That magnet is the size of a mini-van, it would rip you limb from limb like a drunken werewolf at a frat party.
Despite the lack of evidence for the effectiveness of magnets, I decided to try them anyway. I purchased a fancy toe ring with a thick, round magnet in the middle, and began to wear it on my right foot.
I have pretty big toes, so I was forced to grease the ring up with Vaseline and shave all the hair off before I managed to cram it on to it's new home, where it looked damn good, I don't mind saying.
In retrospect, I should have realized the immediate swelling of my toe had nothing to do with the properties of the magnet, but were in fact caused by the undersized ring constricting my blood flow. But this being my first time using magnets I thought the redness and intense pain was simply one of those unintended side effects you hear about on commercials, like when you take certain prescription drugs and then shit blood.
I wore that ring for four long weeks, and in all fairness after the first couple days I forgot about the pain in my back. My leg even stopped twitching, which was a blessing because had I kicked something solid, like a wall, with my huge swollen toe, it would have popped like a balloon full of blood.
When the toe began to turn black I realized there might be a problem, so I gave it another three weeks, just to be sure, then went to see my doctor.
I've never seen him so mad before. He excoriated me for buying into the pseudoscience of magnet therapy, saying I should have checked with him before doing something so ridiculous. I explained to him that I was an idiot, so even if he had told me not to do it, I still would have, which he completely understood.
He explained to me that the damage caused by weeks of constricted circulation was so vast there was no choice but to amputate, which I agreed to as long as I could have the toe when he was done with it.
Several days later my toe was removed and the ring along with it. Almost immediately the pain in my back returned as did the leg spasms, now I'm back in the same situation I started off in and all I have to show for it is a crappy ring and a bloody toe in my freezer.
So does magnet therapy work? I don't really know, nor do I care. All I know is that I'll never wear sandals again and by this time next week, I'll be the only person on the block with his very own toe on his key chain.