Setting: Archery ranges, locker rooms, Bed Bath And Beyond, and anywhere else the female of the species may frequent.
Test Subjects: Forty-two unsuspecting woman going about their day in the usual manner.
Results: All but two of the test subjects declined my advances for dinner. Twenty-two women threatened to call the police, six showered me with pepper spray, eleven tasered my genitals, one put me in an arm bar, dislocating my elbow, and the two who agreed to the date did so with the stipulation I stand outside the restaurant while they eat.
A Quick History
From time immemorial, prayer for the sick has been a common response to the illness of a loved one, which is probably why the average life expectancy has been so short for so long . Nevertheless, intercessory prayer has rarely been subject to scientific scrutiny. In 2010, my friend Eric, who runs the corn beef stand on the corner, submitted the results of a similar paper to JAMA (The Journal of the American Medical Association), which was ignored for its shoddy conclusions, poor methodology, and being written in crayon didn't help either. Even so, I believe Eric's findings, along with my own, to be definitive in showing prayer will no more help your "game" than telling a woman your best feature is the immense size of the bubbles you are capable of producing when passing gas in the tub. The purpose of this present study was to attempt to replicate Eric's findings and hopefully see a girl naked.
Women eligible for this study were required to possess several traits including a heart beat, limited facial hair, and a body mass no more than that of a Beluga Sturgeon. Women wearing a hat with a flower in it or possessing more than six facial piercings were excluded from the study for no other reason than they give me the creeps. The Women were not known to myself since they were chosen at random using a slingshot loaded with a fluorescent red paint ball, fired into a crowed. The ball also acted as an opening for me (once the prayer was said) to approach the test subject and offer assistance. It was at this point my advances would either be accepted by the partially blinded subject, or rebuffed with a gob of spit directed at my eyes. Since some of the people struck by the balls turned out to be men, it should also be noted that I was beat to the point of loosing control of my bowels on several occasions, which sounds disgusting but is really not that bad once you get used to the smell.
Since the number of gods available for worship is so vast I chose to alternate between the three most popular; Yahuwah, the god of the bible, Ganesha, the god of Hinduism, and Crom, the god of Conan. Once a woman was struck by the "choice ball" I would drop to my knees and begin a dialogue with one of the three gods; asking for guidance with my words, confidence in my manner, and intervention that would render my advances irresistible. It was later pointed out to me that I was using god as a form of 'roofie' in order to get laid which made me no better than Bill Cosby, but in my defence there is really no other way I could get laid.
Choosing which god to pray to was done by how I was feeling at the time; If I happen to be in a good mood I chose Ganesha, were I in a bad mood, Yahuwah, and if I felt like raiding a village and burning it to the ground, I chose Crom. Needless to say, Crom was the god most prayed to.
Women were never informed of the study they were participating in, nor were they offered a moist towelette to wash the paint from their burning eyes, which is kind of rude on my part, but nobody said science was pretty.
The fact that there were significantly few woman whom my advances worked on demonstrates one of several things, either the gods prayed to do not exist, the gods prayed to refuse to help, or the gods prayed to were too busy giving children cancer of the ear lobe to care about my requests. Whatever the reason it's clear my prayers did not work.
Limitations Of The Study
Because there are thousands of gods to choose from it may be that I chose poorly when deciding which gods to experiment with. To offer an absolute conclusion my experiment would have to be tested with every known god, but because I'm sick and tired of being tasered in the balls, It will not be me who does this.
In conclusion using the method of attracting a mate by hurling projectiles in their eyes and praying for someone magical to intervene so you might get lucky, proves to be ineffective. My findings (supported by Eric's from the corn beef shop) demonstrate that prayer, although a good way to wear a hole in the knees of your pants, will in no way improve your sex life. I fully admit that were this study performed by Channing Tatum or that guy who plays Thor, the outcome could possibly be quite different, but this would not be the result of intervention on the part of god, rather good genes, daily exercise, and not eating Cheez Whiz straight from the jar while crying. In fact, I would suggest bypassing god altogether when approaching a potential mate and simply being yourself, unless you're me, which I don't think you are.
The author would like to thank the Emergency Medical Technicians who assisted in washing the pepper spray from my eyes and supplying ice packs for my swollen genitals. The encouragement and support of my mother who is glad I am finally talking to women that are not online. Finally, I am deeply indebted to internet pornography for providing me with the ability to see naked women which I would otherwise never observe.