Our world class sand pit offers all the monkey bars and rope swings you require to become the kind of soldier and suicide bomber Allah himself would be proud of. In addition, we offer a state of the art bomb making facility run by our four fingered instructor, Abdullah Ikhtak, who will show you how to build the kind of explosive vests that can not only be worn to informal backyard beheadings, but graduations and weddings, as well.
Who Can Join?
The Islamic State (ISIS, or ISIL) represents sociopathic personalities of all types and is dedicated to ensuring those individuals whom others think creepy, find shelter, security, and a AK-47, waiting for them with a smile.
Adherence to the prophet Muhammad is an absolute necessity in joining our organization. If you happen to be of another faith I suggest you stay away, seeing as we are just going to bury you in the sand up to your neck and kick you till dead.
Those with a keen interest in dismembering live bodies are sure to move up the ranks quickly in ISIL. Some of our most revered members (all dead) had a gift for decapitation and rape that is still discussed today. With just one phone call, you could be as great a rapist as they, and maybe even better.
As If That Wasn't Enough
Not only can we offer you membership in a club so thrilling the Iraqi Times called it "A great place to get shot in the neck," but if you act now we will throw in a jar of nitric acid to toss in the face of infidels and whores.
Listen to what one satisfied recruit had to say about this offer;
"I had always wanted to burn my friends wife with acid for knowing how to read, but I just couldn't figure out what type of acid to use or where to get it, so I would just beat her with a camel whip. But now, thanks to ISIS, she looks like a less appealing Freddy Krueger in a burka. Thanks you ISIS."
Why Should I Join?
Imagine the glint in your sons eye as he proudly watches his father throw a screaming homosexual from a window. Picture the smile behind your wife's burka as she watches you stone to death her apostate neighbour. Hear the cries of laughter from your friends as you are forced to beat a Jew to death with the butt of your rifle, because the trigger jammed.
These are not just tall tales meant to entice, they are every day occurrences in the electrifying world of Islamic Extremism. But unless you pick up that phone right now you may never know the joy of burning a Kurd to death as his children watch. You may never feel the thrill of crucifying a man for stealing a loaf of bread, or the lingering smell of burning Yazidi flesh. So act now, before its too late.
Send In This Simple Form For A Chance To Win A Beard Grooming Kit
- NAME -
- AGE -
- MARATIAL STATUS -
- NUMBER OF WIVES (if applicable) -
- NUMBER OF WIVES YOU ARE WILLING TO SELL -
- CAVE OF BIRTH -
- HOW MANY TIME DO YOU RAPE ON AN AVERAGE TUESDAY -
- CAN YOU FIRE A GUN WHILE STABBING -
- NUMBER OF DECAPITATIONS IN THE LAST 60 DAYS -
- HAVE YOU EVER FORNICATED WITH A DOG AND IF NOT, WHY -
- WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ADELE SONG -
- HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SEXUALLY AROUSED WHILE READING THE QURAN -
- DO YOU PREFER TO USE BLUNT OR SHARP OBJECTS WHEN KILLING -
- WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO LET US RAPE YOU -