The life guard at my Koi pond once showed me several outrageous photos of pears that had been forced to live inside bottles as they grew on the branch. Once they reach maturity, these pears, along with their glass prisons, were ripped from the tree and taken to an unknown destination. The bottles are then filled with vile spirits such as Brandy or Rum and marketed to the unsuspecting populace as "A labour of love, intended to bring the most natural flavours to your drinking experience". From here, the pears spend the rest of their days floating in a vat of intoxicants while waiting for some drunk college kid to dig them out with a chop stick.
This of course, is not the only example of GMO abuse, just head to any supermarket and you will see first hand the freakish lunacy that science has unleashed upon the populace.
Coconut Water, for example, has become immensely popular in recent years, yet how many people have asked themselves where this bizarre concoction came from? I for one have been to Mexico and seen the majestic coconut in it's natural habitat, and I don't ever remember seeing water remotely close to one. As a matter of fact, they grow high up in trees where the water has no chance of reaching them! So how the hell could the two be combined? The answer is simple; scientists use alien technology recovered from the crash site at Area 51, to infuse water with coconut DNA, thereby creating the deadly toxin. But there is a glimmer of hope to this story, the coconuts are fighting back. Each year, an average of 150 coconuts leap from their perch high above terra firma, and crash into the skulls of unsuspecting humans below. You are 30 times more likely to be killed by a coconut then a shark! The shear notion of this bring a tear of joy to my eye.
Right now, you may be asking yourself, "Why can't I train my dog to use a litter box like a cat?" This is a silly question you should forget about, what you should be asking is, "What can a simpleton like me be doing to help protect the defenceless fruits and vegetables of the world from the evils of scientific progress?" Look no further. Myself, and Master Swami Indifference (his real name is Kurt), will soon be releasing an eight part lecture series deconstructing the current GMO problem, with the last lecture focusing on vegetables that look like famous people. Stay Tuned.