My name is Rutherford, I run a newly formed theatre troupe in Red Deer, Alberta. Unlike most live productions you have seen, we pride ourselves on 100% commitment to the plays we perform. What I mean by that is, we believe in being as realistic to the situations described on the page as possible. If a scene calls for a distraught wife to slap her adulterous husband in the face, the actress physically slaps her male co-star. If a person is to be shot at some point during the play, real bullets are used. If a character dies of small pox, we infect the actor and you watch him die, live on stage.
HOW YOUR FUNDING WILL HELP:
Aside from directing the play, one of my jobs is to hire the actors and actresses you see on stage. I have been able to cast all the roles except the most pivotal, Jesus Christ. Because the role calls for an obscene amount of torture, followed by an ungodly sum of blood to be spilt, we seem to be having trouble finding an actor that doesn't break character during these scenes.
The first local actor I cast as our saviour, forgot his lines immediately after the spike was hammered into his foot in rehearsal. "Father, forgive them. They know not what they do", may seem like an easy line to remember, but you'd be surprised how many people draw a blank when their bones are being shattered.
A portion of your money would go to hiring a professional actor for the roll of Jesus Christ. One who has been trained in the theatre and understands the importance of not breaking character, especially during the most important scene in the play. Not to mention he'll need to be compensated for his eventual death.
Exactly how much this would cost is a mystery to me. It could fluctuate anywhere from a few thousand dollars for an actor with terminal cancer who wans to go out with style, to several million for one of the guys from 'Jackass', looking to get their name in the public sphere one last time. I'm just going to suggest taking the amount you normally tip at Starbucks, and multiply that by 2000%, this should be enough to get the play it's Jesus, and me an escort.
Along with purchasing a human to kill, your money will be used to bribe members of the police force and city council who wish to see our production shut down. I don't know about where you live, but here in Canada the law tends to frown upon public murder for art sake. And don't even bother trying to play the "freedom of expression" card. Apparently, that no longer includes the freedom of expressing your desire to murder in public. Fucking bureaucrats.
I've been directing "normal" plays for the past 20 years, with a brief hiatus of 16 years while I served my time for manslaughter, which sounds bad, but really just means I backed over an Asian woman at the Costco.
Prison was where I developed my idea for the ultimate realism on stage. It came to me on week 26 of solitary confinement. When your alone that long your mind begins to have trouble telling the difference between fantasy and reality, I've heard of many people that went mad from the loneliness. Luckily, I was able to keep myself sane by drawing pictures of Ewoks on the walls with feces, and pretending I was a school girl from Tortuga.
When the idea hit me I made a promise to God, I would serve out the rest of my time and try not to stab any more guards, then get out of this prison and start the best damn theatre company the world has seen since that guy who wrote that crap they taught me in high school.
WHY IS THIS NECESSARY:
Before we ask the question, "Is this necessary?" We must ask the question, "Do you want me to come over to your house and stab you in the eye with a carrot peeler?" I think if we ask that first, we will soon see there is no reason to ask the other question.
I may have promised my parole officer I wouldn't hurt people anymore, but I promised God I would put this play on in his honor, and I'm afraid my duty to God usurps his. So, just to make this clear, I am threating to kill you with a household instrument of my choice, unless you send me money for my play, RIGHT NOW.
Don't bother asking how I'm going to find you, or which size ladle I'm going to beat you with, just know that I have a phone book and a lot of spare time.
Thank you for taking time to consider my proposal.