So I made the decision to follow in brave Mr. Dobson's footsteps and live like Jesus did two thousand years ago. Unlike Edward Dobson I had a job that expected me to show up on Monday, so spending a year of my life doing something I could learn from a book in two hours was simply not possible. Instead I would live like Jesus for one weekend, which is just enough time to get a feel for how much it must have sucked back then, and still make it back to work in time see Tiffany do her morning stretches.
Following through with this experiment would require some major changes in my otherwise tedious life. To start with, two thousand years ago there was no access to television or the internet, so I would have to put aside both and start listening to AM radio as Jesus did. And I could forget about using the toilet, indoor plumbing was nothing but a pipe dream back then, I would need to start pooping in the backyard like my ex-wife, if I wanted to do this correctly.
I could hear my friend Reid already, "Why are you wasting your time on this nonsense? Don't you have something better to do? Stop shaking my grandma's urn, she gets motion sickness." He would never understand what I was attempting to accomplish here, and in his defence, neither do I. But too many times in life I have ignored the foolish ideas that pop in my head, only to regret that decision later on. For me, 2017 was going to be the year of 'facing my fears,' not the year of 'fearing my face,' like it's always been.
I did have an enormous amount of reservations regarding this experiment, the biggest of which revolved around bathing. Since there were no showers in ancient Galilee, Jesus and his homies would have been forced to wash themselves in puddles and ponds, if they bothered to wash at all. Growing up I never once heard Father O'Malley mention the overpowering stench wafting from the son of god's crotch, but it must have been there, encircling his junk like a cloud of warm sewer gas. It's astonishing to me how anyone back then managed to have sex without throwing up all over each other. If I go more than 24 hours without taking a shower or soaking in a warm tub, I develop a thin layer of sticky sweat that sort of smells like hot feet. As a child my mother referred to it as my "layer of unpleasantness." Spending 48 hours marinating in my own filth was certainly going to be the most difficult part of this adventure.
Food was also a concern. I'm pretty sure Jesus never had pudding pops or Lucky Charms, and those are the only things that inhabit my cupboards. I think Jesus ate a lot of fish, but I can't eat that due to an allergy. It's not so much an allergy to the fish itself, as it is an allergy to things that have scales and swim in their own shit.
A website I found on this topic listed the likely foods consumed by Jesus to be, olives, figs, grapes, lentils, pomegranates, dates, lamb, and wine, all of which were on my list of fake foods, so I couldn't go near them. The wine was a different story though, I had no problem with wine. I would happily spend the weekend consuming multiple bottles in order to satiate my hunger, which meant it would be the same as every other weekend. I guess I could eat the dog food, that's probably similar to what they had back then.
The one detail of those ancient days that I absolutely refused to mimic is the practice of wearing sandals. I know it sounds extreme, but if I had my way everyone who wore sandals in public would have their toes sliced off by a Sith Lord. I do not like sandals, or more specifically, I do not like the fat, crooked, sausages inside of them, which are on display for all the world to see. Most peoples feet are simply not nice, they have long yellow nails or god awful clumps of wiry, black hair all over the toes, yet this never stops their owner from flaunting them in public. I have too much respect for my fellow man to subject them to the horror that is my feet, I only wish the rest of the pudgy toed world would do the same for me. It's the reason I wrap them in duct tape when I go to the beach.
I haven't yet attempted this little experiment because I've been very busy studying pornographic origami, but I want to do it soon. I think it will be fun to not use toilet paper and blow my nose in a yack, even if it's only for a couple of days. Not to mention, learning about the daily hardships Jesus faced should bring me closer to understanding what it was like to be an omniscient space being, cloaked in the flesh of its creation, two thousand years ago.
Who knows, maybe I'll fall in love with the lifestyle and choose to live like that forever. I hope that doesn't happen though, I don't want to have to sell my car and buy a camel, they don't even come with a port to charge my cell phone.