Whatever it is, last month I reached a tipping point. After blacking out from forgetting to exhale (for the third time that week), I finally decided to do the responsible thing, and look for a quick, inexpensive, solution on the internet.
People always talk about how important it is to get physical exercise. They chastise you for lifting a Butterfinger instead of a barbell, or sitting in the hot tub with a turkey leg, rather than running down the sidewalk without anyone chasing you. But few of these people ever mention how important it is to keep your brain healthy and strong. You never hear anybody say, "Hey, lets strap some leg weights to our face and think about inverse trigonometric functions."
Luckily, the internet is full of life changing devices that can help you go from Simple Jack, to Yoda, in only a matter weeks.
One such mechanism is called the "Brain Wave Synchronizer." It's a Light and Sound device used to control brainwave frequencies to achieve specific objectives like; improved memory, reaching altered states of consciousness, increasing psychic abilities, relaxation, and a host of other things I currently use pharmaceuticals for.
It works on the principle of entrainment, whereby light and sound create an oscillating frequency which the brain starts to follow after a period of 5-6 minutes. Once your brain is following the oscillation, it will shift into another frequency, eventually reaching a point where you are able to alter your mind set from the half-wit you are, to the three-quarter-wit you know you can be. This is all accomplished with what looks like a cheep pair of sunglasses and earbuds.
But before you run out and spend all that money you stole from your girlfriend's purse, I should point out that the Synchronizer is not meant for everybody. According to the experts, people suffering from Epilepsy or Cardiac Arrhythmia, should avoid the Synchronizer at all costs, as should those with head disorders, visual photosensitivity, mental health conditions, Canine Parvovirus, Human Werewolf Syndrome, Bird Flu, rug burn, Andromeda Strain, Climate Change Denial Disorder, Crotch Rot, bad hair day, Elephantiasis, razor burn, hang nails, sweaty bellybuttons, Cooties, Dragon Pox, Space Rabies, Hot Dog Fingers, Vaginitis, and Pinkeye. Everyone else is fine.
I've been using my device for about three weeks now, and I've only had eleven seizures. This may sound like a lot, but that's only because it is when it comes to seizures. I would even go so far as to say one is too many, but when I contacted the individual who makes the device, his Mother told me he couldn't talk because he was mowing the lawn, however she was pretty sure the seizures would have no long term effect other than mild headaches and mental retardation, which I was confident I could live with.
For me, it's worth it considering how drastically the Synchronizer has changed my life. After a long day of sleeping on the couch and reading horoscopes, the Brain Wave Synchronizer relaxes me to the point of numbness. All the stress of having to feed myself, just melts away like a wicked witch at a pool party. My mind becomes so focused, I could put a foot stool from IKEA together in under seven hours. If I hear any piece of music, I can perfectly replicate it on the slide whistle. If you gave me any math problem and a calculator, I'll have the answer for you in the snap of a femur.
There are of course, many other reasons I use it, but because of yesterdays seizure, I've forgotten most of them (and the name of my children).
So by now you're most likely wondering if you too should get a Brain Wave Synchronizer. I know I make the device sound hard to resist, but you should also keep in mind there is a possibility it wont work for you. According to the 'Journal of Bogus Bullshit,' there are a small number of people (about 7.4 billion) who are resistant to its effects. They also claim you would do less damage to your brain if you shoved a toilet snake up your nostril. I'm not so sure I believe this considering I've tried both, and only one of them made my ears bleed.
I like the Synchronizer, regardless of what the "experts" say. Sometimes you just have to ignore what all the research tells you, and do what you feel is right. Feelings are a much better judge of realty than anything evidence can tell you, just ask ghost hunters.
If it was up to me, everyone I know would own one, plus they would have to call me Mr. Fancy-Pants and walk my gecko once a week, but it's not up to me.
All I can do is offer my opinion, which is this; Brain Wave Synchronizers are extremely dangerous to those who don't want to spend the rest of their lives drooling into their soup and chasing imaginary butterflies across the room. However, if you are already a bit of a dummy, and not concerned about the possibility of electrocuting your frontal lobe, this baby is for you.