My first challenge was to figure out which of my many abilities I wanted them to test. Talking to the dead I felt, would be problematic since I'm only able to do so when highly intoxicated, and I am, admittedly, an obnoxious drunk. Performing psychic surgery is also within the realm of my abilities, but this is messy and very often brings a lawsuit.
I finally settled on a highly specialized form of 'Dowsing', which involves using a bent coat hanger to find porcelain figurines underground. It's an odd talent I know, but it has come in handy on more than one occasion, like when the dog buried grandmas favorite unicorn.
I flew to Miami, Florida one cool spring afternoon to take this test, then got right back on the plane when I realized I should be in Falls Church, Virginia. It's a nice little town with outgoing people and liquor stores that sell individual beers, in case you need something to drink while your stuck in traffic.
The gentleman that was to assess my abilities was not the bearded old fart I expected, but a polite young man that wore a dark three piece suit with orange flip-flops. He took me to a local eatery where we had a long discussion over mojitos and prairie oysters, about what the test would entail and what my obligations would be in order to be considered successful. With unshakable confidence, I agreed to all his stipulations, then promptly got drunk and started yelling at dead people.
I woke up early the next morning to wash off the filth from the dumpster I had slept in, and made my way to the elementary school playground where the test was located. It was a beautiful morning and I was feeling powerful, assured, and a little hungover.
I met the nice young man from the night before near a twenty by twenty patch of field that had been cordon off with kite string and pegs, to form a square. Somewhere inside the confides of the square were buried ten porcelain figurines, which I was to locate using my paranormal skills.
I prepared myself by doing three push ups and a jumping-jack, then rested for twenty minutes to get my breath back. Once ready, I pulled the hanger from the coat I had stole just before arriving, bent it to the desired shape, and stepped into the square. I immediately felt a rush of energy from the porcelain as the hanger began to pull me in multiple directions. I stopped over an area located in one of the corners and placed a red bouncy ball I had been given to mark my guess. The hanger tugged me again and again, it's power impossible to fight, until all ten markers were in the desired location. Once complete, I stepped back and let my overseer grade my performance.
Of the ten red markers only one of them was located atop a buried figurine, which I considered a great success, but knew did not qualify as a 'win', according to the previously agreed upon stipulations.
I was upset about not getting the million dollars, but alleviated my disappointment by stealing the kite string and several of the bouncy balls, getting drunk one more time also helped a lot.
I had a lot of time to think on the flight home. For years I had been telling myself that this 'gift' I had made me unique in a way most people could never understand. I was special because of my abilities, and people would like me more knowing the amazing things I could do. But now it seemed I had been fooling myself.
Maybe I didn't have these mystical powers, maybe I was just like everyone else and needed to find my uniqueness not in pretending to be something I'm not, but in the way I express myself artistically and emotionally, maybe facing truth head on was the best way to live a fulfilled life.
Then I had several rum and cokes and decided that the test was rigged.
I had not actually inspected all the figurines, so for all I knew they were not made of porcelain at all, but some type of special, psychic blocking substance devised by the government to bamboozle people like myself into thinking they don't actually poses supernatural abilities, because the government knows that when the aliens arrive they will want to speak to psychically superior people like myself, instead dim witted government employees.
Yes, this makes more sense.