Mother Teresa- Hello, my dear. I have a question about one of your products and I was hoping you could help me.
Shelly - Certainly, ma'am. What can I do for you.
I've opened it up and inserted the batteries, but I'm afraid that's as far as I got. Your customer service number was on the back so I decided to give it a call and see if I could get some help figuring out what this thing is.
Shelly - Oh, certainly, I'd be glad to do that for you. Lets start with the name written directly on the product, that should be in english.
Mother Teresa - The name on the device reads, 'Ass-Blaster 9000'
Shelly - Wonderful, that's our best selling anal stimulator.
Mother Teresa - Anal what?
Shelly - Stimulator. It's for pleasuring yourself anally.
Mother Teresa - I don't understand.
Shelly - You put it in your ass.
Mother Teresa - Oh, my! People do that?
Shelly - Sure, I have one in right now.
Mother Teresa - Why would you do that?
Shelly - It's quite a bit more fun than it sounds. However, if you're not into butt sex, the genius of the Ass-Blaster 9000 is that it comes with multiple attachments allowing you to not only experience the forbidden pleasures of anal delight, but also the more traditional form of vaginal masturbation.
Mother Teresa - Oh, no, I'm afraid I have to stop you right there. Masturbation is not something a woman who follows the Lord partakes in.
Shelly - You know, I once felt the very same way until I discovered that God's proscription on masturbation applied only to men.
Mother Teresa - It does?
Shelly - Sure. Sperm is what generates new life, and wasting that potential is what angers God. Since women are not wasting a possible life by masturbating, we can do it all we like without God getting angry. I bet he even watches sometimes.
Mother Teresa -Really?
Shelly - Not only that, but the good Lord gave us ladies a clitoris for a reason. Men don't have a portion of their body designed specifically for sexual stimulation, but we do, and right at arms reach.
Mother Teresa - Wow, I never thought of it that way. You know what? I think I'm going to give it a try, but just to be safe I'll ask for forgiveness afterwards.
Shelly - That a girl. You're going to love it, I promises.
Mother Teresa - Shelly.
Shelly - Yes, dear.
Mother Teresa - I'm scared. Will you walk me through it?
Shelly - Of course I will, love. If you have some free time we could do it right now.
Mother Teresa - Well, I was going to go dig a hole to defecate in, but I guess I could try this instead.
Shelly - That's the spirit. Now, why don't you go find somewhere comfortable to lie down and we'll get started.
Mother Teresa - Okay, Just give me one minute.........Alright, I'm laying down on my cot, now what?
Shelly - So, why don't we start with you removing your underwear.
Mother Teresa - No need for that, I go commando.
Shelly - Perfect. Do you have the Ass-Blaster 9000 next to you?
Mother Teresa - I do, yes.
Shelly - Great. Take the attachment marked "Thruster" and snap it into place on the Ass-Blaster 9000. You'll find a small grove on the side of the device that it should fit snugly into. Have you done that?
Mother Teresa - Yes, I think I got it.
Shelly - Good. Now turn the dial to the setting you believe will be appropriate. The settings are marked "Electric Toothbrush" which is the lowest, all the way up to "Exploding Death Star" which is the highest. I suggest you start out on the lowest setting since the higher ones tend to leave carpet burn.
Mother Teresa - Okay, I turned it on.
Shelly - Great. Now slowly allow the Thruster to glide gently around your inner thighs and pelvic area. Feel the calming vibrations shoot out across your body all the way to your fingertips and toes. If there's someone you have a crush on, close your eyes and picture that person caressing and fondling you. Personally, I like to think about my ex-husband being backed over by a food truck, that seem to be the only thing that works for me lately.
So, do you feel the pleasure building in you?
Mother Teresa - Yes, something's happening. I haven't felt this way since I accidently saw Father Gregory's testicles on the teeter-totter.
Shelly - Good. Now when you feel comfortable enough I want you to tenderly stroke your clitoris with the Thruster.
Mother Teresa - Oh, Lord in heaven, I think I just peed a little bit.
Shelly - That's okay. Let it out, don't be shy.
Mother Teresa - It's too much, Shelly. I feel like Jesus is watching me.
Shelly - Maybe he is watching you. Maybe he's outside your window right now, touching himself as he does.
Mother Teresa - Oh, my God, that's so hot.
Shelly - Yes, yes it is. Let all those years of repressing your natural instincts fade from your mind like a fat guys phone number. Feel the heat radiating from your genitals as you place the tip of the Thruster against your opening and gradually begin to push it inside you.
Mother Teresa - Why does it feel so good? Is it Satan doing this to me?
Shelly - Is that what you want?
Mother Teresa - No, he frightens me.
Shelly - Then don't think of Satan, think of Father Gregory's testicles. Imagine them bouncing up and down as he jogs toward you in slow motion while you wait with anticipation on a secluded beach. Feel his thick, rippling muscles as he pulls you close and kisses you deeply.
Mother Teresa - It's too much, Shelly. I'm going to explode.
Shelly - Good. Let it out, let it all out
Mother Teresa - Oh, God, something's happening. Something's happening to me. Oh, no, Shelly, something's happening. HOLY SHIT, IT'S HAPPENING. IT'S HAPPENING.......MEEEEEEOW.......
Shelly - Are you still there?
Mother Teresa - I need a smoke.
Shelly - Yeah, you did it. I knew you could.
Mother Teresa - Oh, my God, that was so incredible.
Shelly - See, I knew you'd enjoy it.
Mother Teresa - That was great, I cant believe I waited so long to try that. Oh, my God, yes. I want to do more. What else can I do with this Ass-Blaster thingy?
Shelly - Ha, ha, ha, your wonderful. Let me send you a copy of our 42 page instruction manual (in english) that explains in great detail and with full color photographs, how to use each of the Ass-Blaster attachments and which orifice they go in.
Mother Teresa - I want to try the part that goes in my bum.
Shelly - Well, why don't you just hold off on that one for a while, just until you get used to it. You know what they say, "Patience is bitter, but its orgasms are sweet."
Mother Teresa - Really? I've never heard that before.
Shelly - Well, I may have just now made it up in an attempt to sound smart.
Mother Teresa - I do that all the time.
Shelly - So, Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Mother Teresa - Um, no, I guess not.
Shelly - In that case, thank you for calling and have yourself a great day.
Mother Teresa - Thank you too. Hey, Shelly.
Shelly - Yes.
Mother Teresa - If I called you tomorrow, do you think we could do this again.
Shelly - You can call me any time, my dear. We here at Simple Vibe aim to please.
Mother Teresa - Wonderful. Until then.
Shelly - Until then.