MUHAMMAD: I am Muhammad, the prophet and founder of Islam. I am God's Messenger, sent to confirm the essential teachings of Adam, Abraham, Moses, Jesus, and the other prophets.
AUDITOR: Well isn't that amazing. And what brings you here today?
MUHAMMAD: My child bride, Aisha, purchased this auditing session for me in the hopes it would help me locate the source of my rage.
AUDITOR: Wow, that is so considerate of her, you're a very lucky man. And where is little Aisha now?
MUHAMMAD: Locked in a box.
AUDITOR: Oh, how wonderful, we do the same to our troublemakers. I have a feeling we are going to get along famously. So, the first thing I want you to do is take one of these metal cylinders in each of your hands. The cylinders are connected to this machine in front of you called an e-meter. They induce an electrical current through the body and back into the device to measures the changes in the electrical resistance of the human body.
MUHAMMAD: I don't understand.
AUDITOR: Perfect, that's how we like it. Now, I'm going to ask you a series of pointless questions while studying the movement of this little needle on the front of the e-meter. As the needle bounces back and forth I will read the results and interpret them however the hell I feel like. It's all very technical, and I can tell by the crumbs in your beard that you're not bright enough to understand personal hygiene, let alone the intricacies of the e-meter, so lets just leave it at that, shall we.
MUHAMMAD: Did you just insult me?
AUDITOR: Would that be bad?
MUHAMMAD: I would be forced to throw a jar of acid in your face, if you did.
AUDITOR: You carry a jar of acid around with you?
MUHAMMAD: Yes. You never know when you are going to run into a woman with her head uncovered.
AUDITOR: Then no, I didn't insult you.
AUDITOR: So what we are going to do here is called 'auditing.' Your responses to my questions will trigger a reaction in your mind which will then be picked up by the e-meter allowing me to get a sense of what is causing you the most stress in your life. It's been compared to a lie detector by some, but in truth it is far more complicated and much less accurate.
MUHAMMAD: Lie detector? I am the prophet of Allah, I have not, nor will I ever, tell a lie.
MUHAMMAD: What was that?
AUDITOR: Um, nothing, lets just get started. So first off I want you to take a deep breath, hold it for a moment, and let it out through your mouth. Good. Now think about different people or situations in your life. I want you to let your mind go in any direction it wants. Just relax and let the thoughts flow......oh, look at that, the needle just moved. Did you see it?
MUHAMMAD: I did.
AUDITOR: Good. So tell me, what were you thinking about right when it jumped?
MUHAMMAD: Killing you.
AUDITOR: Killing me? Why?
MUHAMMAD: Oh, it's nothing against you personally, it's just sort of my thing.
AUDITOR: What is? Killing?
MUHAMMAD: Yes. I once slaughtered 800 men and boys from the Qurayza tribe, using nothing but the shin bone from a oryx and a toenail clipper. It took forever and all the blood ruined my favorite sandals, but it was worth it.
AUDITOR: Why wouldn't you just use a sword?
MUHAMMAD: You sound like my fifth wife.
AUDITOR: Okay, lets try another direction here. If I were to say the word, "lavender" what would be the first thing that comes to your mind?
AUDITOR: What about the word, "tenacious?"
AUDITOR: And, xylophone?
AUDITOR: Okay, this isn't quite working. I don't want you to repeat the same word over and over again, I just want you to let your thoughts drift wherever they like. Listen to each word closely, let them rattle around in your mind for a bit then spit out the first thing you think of, and it doesn't have to be just a single word. Lets try again......."savannah."
MUHAMAD: Gang rape.
AUDITOR: Are you doing that on purpose?
MUHAMMAD: What! You said to say whatever pops in my head, that's what popped in my head. I cant help it, I think about rape a lot, and I really don't appreciate you rape-shaming me like this. It's a classic bullying tactic.
AUDITOR: I'm sorry, I don't mean to bully you, or imply there is something wrong with you wanting to rape a xylophone, I'm just trying to get at something deeper here. Okay, you know what? Lets go back to the questions and forget about the word association game. Why don't you tell me about a recent time when something upset you.
MUHAMMAD: I was once asked irritating questions while hooked up to an e-meter.
AUDITOR: Not that recent.
MUHAMMAD: Okay, let me think about it. Hmmm......let me see, Oh, I got one. Last week I was attempting to purchase some erectile dysfunction pills at the pharmacy, not for me, mind you, they were for a friend.
AUDITOR: Oh yes, of course they were.
MUHAMMAD: Anyway, the infidel behind the counter refused my request, claiming I needed some sort of permission slip from a doctor. I left the pharmacy very angry and without the pills.
AUDITOR: So the pharmacists refusal to give you the pills angered you?
MUHAMMAD: No. I was angry because I forgot my scimitar in the dishwasher and was unable to cut his head off. I'll never leave home without that thing again.
AUDITOR: You were going to decapitate the pharmacist because he wouldn't sell you erection pills?
MUHAMMAD: Of course. Is that not appropriate?
AUDITOR: It does seem a little drastic, after all he's just doing his job.
MUHAMMAD: His job is to give men erections?
AUDITOR: No....well, yes. In a way, I suppose. But forget that, let me ask you another question.
MUHAMMAD: I am growing weary of your silly questions and this foolish machine.
AUDITOR: Mr. Muhammad, the reactive mind’s hidden nature requires the use of a device capable of registering its effects. Without the e-meter and this series of questions we will never be able to locate the source of your troubles, and you will never be able to go clear.
MUHAMMAD: Go clear? What does that mean?
AUDITOR: Well, going clear, in Scientology is when a practitioner achieves personal salvation. A state of Clear is reached when a person becomes free of the influence of engrams, unwanted emotions or traumas not available to the conscious mind.
MUHAMMAD: What's an engram?
AUDITOR: Oh, that's a very interesting subject. You see, the reactive mind does not store memories as we know them. It stores particular types of mental image pictures we call engrams. These engrams are a complete recording, down to the last accurate detail, of every perception present in a moment of partial or full “unconsciousness.”
MUHAMMAD: I thought you said it was interesting subject.
AUDITOR: Yeah, I guess I lied.
MUHAMMAD: And what about this "Scientology" thing? What is that?
AUDITOR: Well that's where you are, in a Scientology center. It's a wonderful religion that offers a path to a complete and certain understanding of one’s true spiritual nature and one’s relationship to self and the Supreme Being.
MUHAMMAD: A religion?
AUDITOR: Yes, kind of like Catholicism, only we don't screw children.
MUHAMMAD: Wait a minute. You are attempting to convert me to your religion of Scientology?
AUDITOR: Weather or not you join us is entirely up to you. I'm just trying to present an appealing picture of what Scientology is and how it can help you.
MUHAMMAD: So you do not worship Allah?
AUDITOR: God no. I'm a Scientologist not an idiot.
MUHAMMAD: Then you have deceived me. (he pulls something out from under his robes)
AUDITOR: Deceived you? No, I don't think that I.....wait, is that a scimitar?
AUDITOR: Where did you get that?
MUHAMMAD: It was under my thawb the whole time. I told you I would never forget it at home again.
AUDITOR: Um, and why is it out?
MUHAMMAD: You are an infidel attempting to poison my mind with blasphemy and lies. I will cut off your head and give it to my children to play with in the pool.
AUDITOR: But I'm using my head.
MUHAMMAD: You should have thought of that before you didn't think of it.
AUDITOR: What if I convert to Islam, right here, right now? Will you let me keep my head?
MUHAMMAD: Perhaps. But what about my children? They need a pool toy.
AUDITOR: We can go to the mall right now and I will personally buy them the biggest beach ball and the longest water noodle they have in stock.
MUHAMMAD: Hmmm......how about two water noodles?
AUDITOR: Two noodles it is then.
MUHAMMAD: Good. Let us go now so I can get home in time to rape the maid before she leaves.
AUDITOR: You got it.