LAUREN: Is there something wrong?
MUHAMMAD: Yes. You are a woman.
LAUREN: Yeah, that's what my gynecologist tells me. Is there a problem with that?
MUHAMMAD: I do not take instruction from females.
LAUREN: Oh, I see. Well, I don't put up with shit from misogynists assholes, so we may have a problem here.
MUHAMMAD: You have no authority to instruct me. I will not only ignore your directives, I will do the opposite of what you instruct. Allah commands it.
LAUREN: Really? In that case I'd like you to not put your hands in the position I mentioned.
(Muhammad's hands immediately take their spot on the wheel.)
LAUREN: Wow, unattractive and dumb, you must do well with the ladies.
MUHAMMAD: The nine year olds love me.
LAUREN: Okay, that's not creepy or anything. So, before we get going I'd like you to tell me what kind of experience, if any, you have behind the wheel.
MUHAMMAD: Oh, I have much experience with the Wheel. It was my favorite form of torture for many years.
LAUREN: Torture? I'm confused.
MUHAMMAD: You're referring to the Breaking Wheel, correct? It's a large wooden wheel an infidel is lashed to, from there they can be beaten or striped naked and left to bake in the hot desert sun. Ha, ha, funny story, one time my friends and I tied a Jew to the wheel and rolled him down a hill toward a ramp we built at the edge of a cliff. We thought he would achieve enough speed to jump clear over it but instead he smashed right through the ramp and plummeted to his death. We still laugh about the effeminate screams of terror he expelled before landing on the rocks below. It was a very fun day.
LAUREN: Um....I'm not sure how to respond to that. I was actually asking if you had any experience behind the wheel of a car.
MUHAMMAD: Oh, my bad. I have very little experience with cars.
LAUREN: But lots of experience killing?
MUHAMMAD: Oh yes, very much.
LAUREN: How did I know you were going to say that?
MUHAMMAD: You're a witch?
LAUREN: That was a rhetorical question. We need to move on. Why don't you go ahead and not start the car for me, then don't bother checking the mirrors for traffic, after that we can just sit here instead of slowly pulling forward.
(He does the opposite, and they slowly begin moving.)
LAUREN: Super. Now while you're getting a feel for the road lets talk a little about where your attention should be focused. Since it's Sunday today, there's going to be quite a bit less traffic than we would normally see, but that doesn't mean you can be complacent. You need to be scanning the road at all times, especially with your periphery, remembering to always be prepared for unseen obstacles that come darting into the road. You certainly don't want to run somebody over.
MUHAMMAD: I don't?
LAUREN: No, you don't. Okay, as that red light at the next intersection approaches, you're going to want to begin applying the break...no, no, the BREAK, your speeding up.....I said the break! Wait! Slow down...No, I mean speed up, faster, faster. No, stop...stop! Jesus Christ, you just passed through that light without even looking for oncoming traffic. We could have been killed. What the hell are you doing?
MUHAMMAD: You appear emotional, should I slap you?
LAUREN: What? No. What the hell are you talking about? Red lights are something we stop at! How can you not know that?
MUHAMMAD: I do know it.
LAUREN: So why the hell did you go through it?
MUHAMMAD: I am Muhammad, the final prophet of Allah, peace be upon him. I do not stop at anyone's command but Allah's, peace be upon him. That is merely a light, as a display of respect for my greatness it should be changing to green for me as I approach, not expecting me to stop.
LAUREN: No, that's not how it works.
LAUREN: Look, if you want to earn a drivers license so you can stop riding that stupid camel around town, you're going to have to stop at all the red lights, stop signs, cross walks, and anywhere else the law demands. You got it?
MUHAMMAD: What if there is nobody around and I'm late for my weekly gang rape?
LAUREN: Yes, even then.
MUHAMMAD: Fine. I will stop at red lights, but only in order to get my license, once I have it, all bets are off.
LAUREN: I'm going to pretend like I didn't hear that. Maybe we should be starting with something else. How about you pull into that empty parking lot coming up and we'll work on some parallel parking and then maybe practice driving in reverse for a little while.
LAUREN: Oh, yeah, I almost forgot what an asshole you are...Don't pull into that empty lot so we can not practice parallel parking and driving in reverse.
MUHAMMAD: I did not mean "no" to turning into the parking lot, I mean no to learning how to drive in reverse. Great men never retreat, they only push forward. Reverse is for the cowardly.
LAUREN: Really? How do you expect to get out of your driveway?
MUHAMMAD: I have a circular driveway.
LAUREN: Of course you do. Okay, lets just drive around the block for a little while instead.
LAUREN: Really? You're going to keep doing that?
LAUREN: You're starting to piss me off.
MUHAMMAD: I tend to have that effect on women.
LAUREN: No shit. Lets not make a left at the next intersection, then park the car instead of driving around the block.
(they proceed slowly around a quiet neighbourhood for several minutes before stopping at an intersection where several dozen people are in the process of slowly crossing the road.)
LAUREN: That's great, I didn't even have to tell you to stop, there might be hope for you yet.
(they sit quietly waiting as an endless stream of people parade in front of the car. Muhammad is clearly growing impatient.)
MUHAMMAD: What the hell is going on here? Can't they see we are trying to use this road?
LAUREN: Pedestrians always have the right of way. We're just going to have to wait until they're gone.
MUHAMMAD: This is ridiculous. Don't they know who I am?
LAUREN: (looking at her watch) Well, it's almost eleven o'clock, so my guess is they just finished up at church and are heading home.
MUHAMMAD: These people are Christians?
LAUREN: I think so.
MUHAMMAD: Can I run them over?
LAUREN: What? No!
MUHAMMAD: Can I just run one of them over?
LAUREN: No, you absolutely can not run anyone over. Of all the rules you need to follow that is by far the most important one. Do you understand me.
MUHAMMAD: Yes. Thank you.
(Muhammad steps on the gas, crashing directly into several people crossing in front of the car. Screams of terror are heard from all directions as bodies go flying through the air like ragdolls ejected from a T-shirt cannon. Muhammad doesn't seem to notice or care about the carnage outside his door, instead he continues as if nothing has happened.)
LAUREN: Oh my god, what the hell are you doing?
MUHAMMAD: You said I could run them over.
LAUREN: I said NO, you can't run them over!
MUHAMMAD: But 'No' means 'Yes.' Remember?
LAUREN: No. I mean, yes....I mean no. God Damit! We need to stop and see if anyone needs help.
MUHAMMAD: How about we go for an egg McMuffin instead?
LAUREN: Oh, I love egg McMuffin's, I think there's a McDonalds just past the....Wait, what the hell am I saying? NO, we're not going for a god damn egg McMuffin, we need to stop the car. You may have killed someone back there.
MUHAMMAD: You shouldn't yell at the driver, it's very distracting.
LAUREN: You know what's distracting? That thumping I hear coming from underneath the car. I think you might be dragging someone!
MUHAMMAD: Does that mean they owe me for gas?
LAUREN: Look, you crazy bastard, either you stop this car right now or I'm going to do something you wont like.
MUHAMMAD: You mean like keep talking?
LAUREN: Okay, that's it.
(She reaches into the purse at her feet and removes a small can of Pepper Spray. Pointing it directly at Muhammad's face she asks one more time...)
LAUREN: Are you going to stop this car?
MUHAMMAD: Oh, look, there's an inflatable chicken on the roof of that dealership.
LAUREN: Fine, you asked for it.
(Lauren squeezes the trigger on the pepper spray and a trickle of dirty brown liquid drips from the bottle, rolls down her hand and begins to form a harmless puddle on the armrest.)
LAUREN: Oh, that's just fucking great! I've been dying to use this thing for years, and now that I get the chance to all it does is go off in my hand and disappoint me. This is no different then the first time I had sex.
MUHAMMAD: You seem agitated. Would you like to get an egg McMuffin now?
LAUREN: Yes, but you have to agree to shut the fuck up.
MUHAMMAD: Oh, happy day. I've never been in a drive through before.
LAUREN: Would you just shut up and drive the car.