First up, is a portly young lady who recently graduated from U.C. Berkeley with a degree in Lesbian Dance Theory. She identifies as an 'angry feminist,' and has a pare of testicles hanging from the mirror of her Honda Fiat, to prove it. Please Welcome, Venisha Colon. (applause)
Next, she is the editor-in-chief of, Kidney Stone Art, magazine, and enjoys listening to ukulele music while drawing mustaches on sleeping vagrants. Please give a warm round of applause to, Sally Bunion. (applause)
And finally, she is a single mother of fourteen, who's hobbies include, smelling old people, juggling reptiles, and defecating into sandwich bags. Please welcome the very lovely, Kelly Mangina.
SKIP: And now it's time to meet our lucky bachelor. Originally from the Middle East, he is said to have spoken with God, himself. He spends his days berating Jews, and thinking up ways to torture infidels. You can love him, you can hate him, just don't draw a picture of him, please welcome, The Prophet, Muhammad. (applause)
MUHAMMAD: Hello, Skip.
SKIP: In just a moment we'll start the game, but first, why don't we hear what our friend Muhammad, is playing for.
ANNOUNCER: Sure Skip. Tonight's contestant will be playing for dinner for two at the newly reopened, Salmonella Sam's, where no food is too old, and no milk is too curdled. But that's not all, Skip, we're also going to fly our winner and his beautiful bachelorette to fabulous Raqqa, Syria. That's right, Raqqa, where you'll spend four days and three nights at the luxurious, ISIS Inn & Suites. The trip also includes two tickets to the upcoming "Head Soccer" championships, and dinner at the mass grave of your choosing.
*The Dating Game is not responsible for any public decapitations, or stoning's, you may endure during your trip.*
SKIP: So, Muhammad, on the other side of that partition sit our gorgeous bachelorettes. You are going to ask each girl three questions of your choosing. At the end of those questions, you will pick whichever young lady you feel is most willing put out. And if you don't mind, I'd like to get this over with as quickly as possible, I have a pretty severe heroin habit, and I tend to get violent when I don't get my fix.
MUHAMMAD: Okay, Skip.
SKIP: Great, lets begin.
MUHAMMAD: Hello, bachelorette, number one.
MUHAMMAD: I'm an old fashioned kind of guy. When I beat one of my wives, I don't want the others to get in my face and start criticizing me for it. If I were to smack you around for showing your ankle in public, would you apologize to me, like a good wife, or would I have to burn your eyes lids shut with a hot nail?
VENISHA: Oh, you want to hit me?
MUHAMMAD: Yes, but only if you are disobedient, or I feel like it.
VENISHA: Well, let me tell you something, Mr. "I think I can push a woman around, just because I'm a man." I grew up with four brothers and a lesbian Mom, so I know all about defending myself, you pig. If you laid one grubby little finger on me, I'd kick you in the balls so hard, your next three kids would feel it.
MUHAMMAD: Please don't say "pig," it upsets my stomach.
VENISHA: Fuck you.
MUHAMMAD: Bachelorette number two. Beheading infidels is no easy task. It takes strength, courage, and a rain coat to protect your clothing from splatters of blood. If I were to give you an axe, and line up a few dozen men for you to execute, how many heads do you think you could lop off before switching to a chainsaw?
SALLY: Well, I don't really know, darling, but I do know I wouldn't need a rain coat, because I prefer to do my beheading in the nude.
MUHAMMAD: Her, Skip. I pick her. She's the one I want.
SKIP: No, my friend, It's not time to choose yet. We still have several questions to get through.
MUHAMMAD: I don't care, I want her.
SKIP: Please, Muhammad, let's just try to get through the rest of the questions before you decide.
MUHAMMAD: Fine. Bachelorette number three. Would you have sex with me if I put a knife to your throat and demanded you do so?
KELLY: Huh, what? I'm sorry, I missed that. I was thinking about that Far Side cartoon where a dog pushes a cat in to the dryer. Could you please repeat the question, one more time.
MUHAMMAD: No. Bachelorette number one. I like my women to look good in a burqa. If you slid into one right now, which would you resemble more closely; a travel size bag of Funyuns, or a beanbag chair?
VENISHA: Oh, I see, you look at women as nothing more than a pretty bobble to hang off your arm, so you can impress your friends. Well, not this girl, you misogynist, dirt bag.
MUHAMMAD: I'll take that to mean, 'beanbag chair.'
VENISHA: Oh, hell no you won't. I don't go to the gym four times a week to be called a 'beanbag chair." I am one hundred percent, Funyun.
MUHAMMAD: I like how angry you are. I would enjoy taming you.
Bachelorette number two. My only regret in life is waiting until my wife, Aisha, turned nine, to consummate our marriage. What sort of regrets do you have in life?
SALLY: Oh, boy, I have a lot of regrets, but most of them were easily cleared up with a little intra-anal wart cream, and antibiotics. I also feel bad about giving my sisters kid up for adoption without telling her, but whatever, you live and learn.
MUHAMMAD: Bachelorette number three. I can neither read nor write, but this didn't stop me from penning one of histories greatest pieces of literature.
KELLY: Oh, my God! You wrote Green Eggs and Ham?
MUHAMMAD: I wish. No, I'm talking about the Quran. What sort of accomplishments have you had in your life, that you are most proud of? And also, what are you least proud of.
KELLY: Well, if you listen to my mother, my greatest accomplishment was getting out of high school without getting pregnant, but personally, I think it's not getting busted for running over that homeless guy at the Walmart. As for what I'm least proud of, I guess I'd have to say, the wiry black hair on my big toes.
MUHAMMAD: In my culture, the woman with hair on her toes, is prized above all others.
MUHAMMAD: Of course. I would never lie, unless it was to an enemy, or a friend, or I was trying to get someone in bed, like now.
KELLY: You're funny.
MUHAMMAD: Shut up. Bachelorette number one. In my past, I had been known to take a drink of alcohol, on occasion, or even have sex with a corpse. But those days are long behind me now. What sort of things did you do when you were younger, that you no longer do now?
VENISHA: None of your god damn business, you cisgender, rape apologist.
MUHAMMAD: Okay, I can tell you would be about as fun as a trampoline made of flypaper. Bachelorette number two, same question.
SALLY: Hmmm, I don't think there's really anything I did in my past, that I don't do now, except maybe blow the gym teacher. No, wait, I got a good one. As a child I would smear my groin with jam, then stick patches of dog hair on it, to create pubic hair. Looking back, I guess that was pretty silly, especially when you consider that now, I smear hot wax on it, to rip the hair off.
MUHAMMAD: You have no pubic hair?
SALLY: Not attached to my body, no.
MUHAMMAD: So you resemble a small girl, below the equator.
SALLY: I sure do.
MUHAMMAD: Interesting. Bachelorette number three. Which God do you pray to?
KELLY: Well, I wouldn't say that I pray to any one God in particular, but I've always kinda liked Jesus, because I can relate to his issues with money lenders.
MUHAMMAD: Have you ever considered praying to Allah?
KELLY: No, I don't really consider much of anything.
MUHAMMAD: Good answer.
SKIP: Okay, Muhammad, the question period has ended, it's now time to meet the woman of your dreams. So, is it going to be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?
MUHAMMAD: Well, Skip, this is no easy decision, I can tell you. Except for number one, I wouldn't let my penis anywhere near that woman. So, after much consideration, I believe I will pick, bachelorette number two.
SKIP: Oh, what a spectacular choice, Muhammad, I slept with her last night, and still can't feel my legs.
Well, that's it for this edition of The Dating Game, and don't forget to tune in next week, when one beautiful bachelorette will be choosing between two unattractive men who still live in their parents basement, and a former Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan. We hope you'll all remember to stop by. Good night.