January 20, 2017
I am very sorry I was unable to attend your inauguration on January 20th, although I hear nobody died, so I guess I didn't miss much. I have sent along a gift of my favorite severed head, for you to proudly display on your desk, next to the bust of Martin Luther King Jr. Please accept it on behalf of myself and my most recent bride, Number 81.
I must confess your invitation to attend the inauguration came as quite the shock to me, considering how vehemently you have criticized my followers. I believe this magnanimous gesture shows you to be an open minded man, willing to overlook past differences for future gains. Or perhaps I am mistaken, and you are truly an imbecile, too ignorant to realize what he's doing. Either way, you will fit in to the American political system, perfectly.
I saw on television there were many protesters attending your inauguration with the sloe purpose of disrupting your important day. I too have had difficulty with unruly heathens in the past, and would like to impart the wisdom I have learned over the years when it comes to dealing with these troublemakers.
First, give serious thought to the idea of bringing back public executions. And I am not referring to a few simple hangings on the steps of Capitol Hill. No, I mean full on, no bullshit, public decapitations, with lots of blood and horrified old ladies throwing up in their purse. You could even hold a national lottery where average citizens compete to win a chance to act as executioner for a day. You have a lot of red necks down south that would just love to cut the head off a pedophile on live TV.
This suggestion may sound drastic on it's surface, but I have found that the sight of a head rolling through the grass, goes a long way to decreasing criminal behaviour among the populace. Perhaps you could even cut a few off yourself, just to show the people how down to earth you are.
You should also think about having a word with your women about covering their heads in public. I don't mean to sound like an overprotective father here, I enjoy the top of a woman's head as much as the next guy, but showing your scalp in public is simply going too far. If you allow this behaviour to continue, the next thing you know, women will be demanding to use indoor toilets, and insisting on seeing a doctor after you beat them. I can tell you from experience, allowing women to achieve even the slightest bit of freedom will create a snowball effect, that will not end until the men of your country have been turned into self loathing social justice warriors, who leak estrogen from their pussy whipped pores.
But here I am going on about how to govern your populace, when I should be out murdering Jews.
On behalf of the entire Muslim community, we wish you all the very best (well, maybe not the 'entire' community). This is just the beginning of a bright and glorious future. Once again I congratulate you on defeating the angry Velociraptor, to become the most powerful pumpkin in all the universe. May Allah not give your children an inner ear infection.
Ab al-Qsim Muhammad ibn 'Abd Allh ibn 'Abd al-Mualib ibn Hshim
(aka) The Prophet Muhamad