I am a man that values his relationship with God far more then he will ever value you. I put a strong emphasis on Jesus with everything I do in my life and believe the people that do not follow the Almighty should be rounded up and put in camps. My goal in life is to achieve a high enough level of political power and influence to enact a law that puts the people on Twitter that pretend to be a gay incarnation of Jesus, in jail where they belong. I also enjoy lighting garbage bins on fire and fighting the urge to slap Mormons.
More About Me:
Height - 5'4"
Build - I'm sorta shaped like a Weeble Wobble
Hair - Bald, pork chop sideburns with a Hitler mustache
Eyes - 2
Relationship Status - Divorced from a cunt
Children - Two I like and one I don't
Smoking - Only hash, never tobacco
Drinking - Currently
Church Attendance - Banned from most in my area
Education - Once read a book on quilting
Ethnicity - Honky/cracker
Field of Work - Unemployment cheque collector
What I'm Looking For In A Woman:
I'm not an overly fussy man when it comes to a woman's appearance, I ask only that she washes her feet and private parts no less than twice a week, and never questions me on my refusal to do the same. I am a true believer in the word of God, so I insist she follow the rules of womanhood as set forth by the Lord our God, such as; 1 Corinthians 14:34-36, which states that woman are to remain silent in church. I would prefer her silence to carry over into daily life as well, so I am not disturbed while conducting my daily online research of sin, by watching pornography and street fighting videos.
1 Kings 11:3, shows us that collecting wives and sex slaves (as Solomon did) is a sign of status, so I expect my companion to understand when I introduce other woman into the bedroom and not complain when I ask her to work the camera instead of joining in.
"When a woman has her regular flow of blood, anything she lies on is unclean, anyone who touches her bed will be unclean, if you don't keep her uncleanliness from defiling your dwelling you will die in it," Leviticus 15:19-31. Because of God's obvious revulsion to the thing he created, I expect any woman of mine to do the right thing and lock herself in a closet during this time of the month. Because of my respect for woman I will gladly slide food under the door and empty your poop bucket once a day. However, I will neither look at, nor speak to you during this traumatic period (no pun intended) and when it is all over I expect you to wash out the closet with bleach and burn your clothing.
I will not tolerate a woman I'm with being involved in any type of modern feminism. As the great and wise Pat Robertson once pointed out; "Feminism encourages woman to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbian." Although I'm okay with the lesbian part, I worry about witchcraft and sorcery constantly, which I believe to be the cause of war, famine, and pickle jars being so hard to open.
My Hobbies & Interests:
I enjoy telling children they are going to burn in Hell and long walks on the beach. I gave away all my furniture and clothing a couple of weeks ago when I thought the world was coming to an end. I feel foolish about falling for that nonsense now, but I was just informed by a guy on the internet that it's actually next month the world is ending, so I wont be feeling silly for much longer.
I have been working on a book based on a little known fist fight between Jesus and Joseph Smith which took place in my front yard three years ago. The fight was over pretty quick, with Jesus curb stomping Joseph Smith (I still have three of his teeth) and then making him publicly admit to lying about the golden plates. Most of the book focuses on the argument that occurred before hand, when Joseph Smith accused Jesus of being sexist because he only healed woman with large breasts, which was true, but you should know better then to actually say that to him.
My Favorite Bible Passage:
"He that is wounded in the stones, or has his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord."
To Me Being A Christian Means:
Being a Christian means admitting I am nothing more then a dirty snot rocket shot from the nose of God into a sinful world. It also means getting offended when people say, "Happy Holidays" or "Jesus was a douchebag."
One Final Thing I'd Like To Mention:
I have an enormous amount of love to give which has been building up for a very long time and I would truly appreciate unloading it all over you, with the promise of not getting any in your hair.
If you are a lover of Jesus and don't mind being called stupid every once in a while, I would love to hear from you before I change my mind about meeting people online and go back to hugging my cat too much.