It began with a light more brilliant than a million stove clocks. I felt no fear or worry, my nerves were steady and my body was relaxed. As the world I knew vanished before my eyes, the same exhilaration I feel when snorting Pop-Rocks, washed over my body. I had no regrets or longing for any of my earthly possessions, other than my cell phone, chap stick, nail file, ear buds, vaporizer, yo-yo, and about a dozen other things I could easily have fit in a fanny pack, had I only known I were dying.
He approached me, placed His hands on my shoulders and spoke softly; "I am Jesus who died for you. I have paused Game of Thrones, season three, episode five, to come and show you the error of your ways. Your deeds are not of my teaching. You indulge in sin and wickedness by dropping your toenails in the coffee pot at work and feeding sardines stuffed with laxatives to penguins at the zoo. These actions are against my teaching, where have you learned this unrighteousness?"
Before I could answer He placed a dirty finger over my lips and said, "Speak not, my child. I'd really like to get this over with quickly, so I can get back to my show. Now let me show you what awaits if you do not change your ways."
With that, the ground below our feet vanished, revealing a scorched landscape riddled with burning masses. We floated over rivers of molten rock filled with screaming sinners crying for clemency. Jesus pointed to the masses below and sighed, "They are those who violate the teaching of Leviticus 11:10, which forbids the consumption of shellfish, clams, oysters, and all things icky which come from the water. They're mostly French, which is why it smells like old cheese around here."
With a confused burst, I shouted out, "I don't understand what's happening to me. Are you really Jesus, or did the acid finally kick in?"
"You have died," He said, "but it is not your time yet. So before I send you back, I wish for you to see what awaits you if you don't stop making fun of men in skinny jeans and babies with oversized heads. Your life need not be filled with sin to enjoy it's majesty."
With those words I folded my arms and spoke to Him defiantly, "What the Hell are you talking about? Not one things you've mentioned so far seems like a sin to me. So what if I open cans of Pringles at the grocery store and lick the flavour off, or scrape the icing out of Oreo's and replace it with toothpaste. Who the Hell am I hurting?"
With that, Jesus began to weep uncontrollably. "Why do you speak to me in such a harsh manner? All I want is for you to be happy in life, yet you mock both me and the love I offer. Do you not wish to spend eternity in my Fathers house, praising His name and grovelling before His well groomed feet?"
As He spoke I began to loose respect for Him. Maybe it was because He talked like a sissy and displayed no sign of leadership qualities whatsoever, which had me questioning His fathers judgment. If God was so perfect why was his son a sniveling baby who dressed like the Grand Marshall of the Gay Pride Parade?
"Okay Mr. Pantywaist," I don't think He noticed I called Him that, "why don't you show me all the great things I'll be missing in Heaven, instead of trying to scare me with all this fire and brimstone, bullshit. Maybe that will convince me to be less fun, and more like you."
His mood instantly changed from that of a sniveling child, to a smiling fool.
"You really want to see Heaven?" He asked with a little too much enthusiasm.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I assured Him. "Let's get it over with."
Before I could finish my words, a brilliant light blinded me momentarily then quickly faded, leaving me standing in a beautiful green field.
From all sides familiar faces approached and placed their hands upon my body. They were family and friends that I had known through my life, all who had died many years earlier. Every one of them looked exactly as I remembered, which was kinda tuff for my cousin Kelly, since she was such a pig in life.
They were full of smiles and laughter, telling me how pleased they were to see me once more. All but my uncle John, he was complaining about having to wear dark glasses all the time because of the bright lights, but he's always been a bit of an ass-hole. To be honest, I was kinda hoping he had gone to Hell.
Other than all the touchy-feely stuff, It was pretty good. Those around me were giving off an air of joy I had not felt since eating a pot brownie in a hot air balloon. They seemed genuinely happy to see me, and never once got offended when I threatened to smack them if they didn't stop touching me. It was an amazing moment that I'll remember until the day I forget.
As quickly as it started, it ended. I then heard Jesus' disembodied voice thunder through the sky, causing all those around to run for the nearest bush.
"Behold the power of the Lord." He said. "All those you have lost to death, have been made anew, as shall you be, if you stop acting like such a douche. Now go back to your life and never forget what you have seen here."
The next thing I remember is seeing several of my friends standing over me. I heard one of them say, "Holy shit, I think he's alive. The antivenom must have worked." While another one was asking, "Did he just shit his pants? Where's my camera?"
As the world came back into view, I found myself laying on my back feeling like the Hulk had been using me as toilet paper. Apparently I had gotten a little too drunk and thought it a good idea to juggle several rattlesnakes we had flushed from the bushes. I was bitten eleven times, mostly in the face.
Luckily my buddy Dan was a thief who had just robbed a pharmacy the night before. Along with the Viagra and Morphine, he also stole some antivenom, which he immediately administered, right after posting photos of me foaming at the mouth, on Facebook.
I'm still not sure if what I saw was real, or just a side effect of all the venom and light beer. Either way, after much deliberation (about six minutes worth), I have decided not to change my ways, for no other reason than I hate it when people tell me what to do, even if it's God.