Before Danny and I set out we stopped for a quick drink at a bar and accidently stayed for eleven hours, making it impossible for either one of us to drive. Even though it was now well past one in the morning and I had just pissed my pants, I was hell bent on proving to Danny that I could make a crop circle, so we began to look for a nearby corn field I could experiment on and he could throw up in. It turns out it's very difficult to find a corn field on Main street, so instead I decided to use the flower bed outside of City Hall as a substitute.
For years the city had been planting thousands of multicolored tulips in the park adjacent City Hall, creating a vast sea of reds and yellows that dazzled the eyes. Over the years the garden had become famous for its incredible beauty and considered a favorite spot for wedding proposals and public executions.
The first thing you need when making crop circles is a plank of wood, which I was lucky enough to find attached to a park bench. The wood is used to push down the crops in front of you as you walk forward, which is how the circles are eventually formed. I prepared myself by lashing the board to my foot at a perpendicular angle to my body, using my shoelace, then called to Danny to come over and watch. It was here I noticed Danny was missing.
My first thought was that Danny had been abducted by aliens who wanted to hollow out his skull and use it for a ashtray, but that thought quickly passed and was replaced by an image of Danny laying somewhere nearby, face down in the tulips while ants used his nasal passage like a water slide.
The whole reason I was there in the first place was to prove to Danny that crop circles were so easily made, a drunken buffoon like myself could do it in a short amount of time and with little effort. But now, Danny had disappeared somewhere below the tops of the tulips and I was left standing there like a fool, covered in urine with a piece of wood tied to my foot.
In the distance I spotted a small shed probably used to house gardening tools and equipment. Thinking I might find a flashlight inside to search for Danny with, I hobbled over to the shed and peeked in a small window at the side. It was far too dark to see anything, so I kicked in the door, lit some garbage on fire, and tossed it inside to brighten the place up a little. Now when I looked through the window I could clearly see the interior and all the equipment it contained.
Unfortunately, there was no flashlight, but there was a really nice weed trimmer I thought I could use to cut a path around the area I believed Danny to be in. I only just managed to get it out of the shed before the fire reached an old gas can and exploded like my ass after Thai food. I'm still debating on weather or not to write an angry letter to the city about their unsafe storage methods concerning flammable liquids.
With trimmer in hand, I attempted to return to the spot I first noticed Danny missing, but the combination of too many vodka gimlets and thousands of identical flowers made it impossible for me to find. My only option, other then going home and getting some sleep, was to fire up the weed trimmer and start chopping down tulips until I discovered my unconscious friend in their colorful embrace.
I don't know how many people have taken a weed trimmer to a field of tulips, but let me just say if you ever get the chance, don't pass it up. Had I been smart enough to remove the board from my foot, I surly would have been skipping like a schoolgirl while I hacked away at everything in my path. The peddles flew into the air as I sliced them from their stems, and rained down upon me as if snow from an alien world.
At one point I was hit with a splatter of blood which I believe came from a rabbit or groundhog or some other critter not smart enough to get out of the way. I must have been chopping away for hours before the board on my foot became wedged in a hole as I pranced about, tripping me up and toppling me over onto my head where I was knocked out cold.
As the sun rose, I came to. One look around told me I needed to get the hell out of there as quick as possible. The shed had burned down to a pile of ash and the world famous tulip field looked as if a mad man had taken a chainsaw to it, which was not that far off the truth.
The entire night turned out to be a bust. I wasn't able to show Danny how easy it is to make a crop circle, I burnt down a storage shed, destroyed a much beloved garden, pissed my pants, slaughtered a rodent, and still had a piece of wood strapped to my foot. All this because I insisted on proving to an idiot that what he believed was bull-shit, instead of just calling him a fool and pushing him into traffic, like a grown-up.
I think the only thing I learned from all of this is that sometimes it's best to remain quiet while fools blather on, rather then waste energy attempting to show them their folly. Somehow I just know even if I had been successful in showing Danny how they were made, he would have had some excuse about how it still didn't prove all crop circles were fake, which would have force me to kill him in violent ways. Oh, I also learned that getting drunk and chopping up tulips with a weed trimmer is even more fun then taking mushrooms in a bouncy castle.