Now that I was thoroughly convinced there was a door to another universe in my friends storage closet I decided I wanted to see what was on the other side. Maybe I could find a decent Chinese food restaurant, or see a movie that didn't star a superhero or cop on the edge. Hopefully, I could return with proof of alternate realities which would lead to my getting invited to speak with Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Chopra about my adventure. This could then lead to a book deal and HBO movie about my life, which I would never watch because they'd get Danny DeVito to portray me, instead of George Clooney. All this, I believed to be entirely possible as long as I could find that vortex.
Although Tracy gave me the keys to her office, I decided to break in through the air-conditioning ducts, since I thought it would add some excitement when I finally wrote the book. Tracy's psychic had used a sharpie to draw a circle on the wall the vortex was located, so I found it with ease.
I tend to take safety very seriously, which is why they call me "Looser" at work. Because of this, I brought several pieces of safety equipment that I believed would be necessary on my journey. First, was a fifteen foot piece of rope, which I tied firmly to my waist at one end, and securely to a stapler at the other. Next, was a flashlight with no batteries, three .22 calibre bullets, a first aid kit containing only the tweezers, and an autographed picture of Patrick Stewart, which has nothing to do with safety, but helps to relax me when I look at it.
I fully admit I didn't put much thought into it, but I charged head first toward the circled area, hoping to use my body weight to break through the vortex to the other side. When my skull connected with the drywall I was hit with a momentary flash of pain, followed by a burst of twinkling stars. I remember thinking, "Wow, are those my teeth stuck in the drywall?" Just before blacking out.
I'm not sure how long I was unconscious, but when I finally awoke I found myself on the other side of the vortex. To my surprise it looked exactly like the world I had just left, except for the large hole in the drywall where I had burst through into this dimension.
When I tried to stand the stars returned to fill my eyes. There was a heaviness in my head, probably caused by the difference in air pressure, and a small trickle of blood had begun to flow from my right ear, which I assumed was a side effect of jumping through the vortex. It took several minutes before I could see well enough to go out and explore this weird new world.
I stumbled into a parking lot filled with strange creatures rolling along the pavement on round legs. They represented every color of the rainbow and would make a strange honking noise when I stepped in front of them. One of the Creatures opened the side of its massive head and released a peculiar parasite that began to holler profanity at me in english. This truly was an odd dimension.
Not wanting to get eaten by the giant lion head floating in the blue sky above, I made my way toward the 7/11 across the street and took refuge in the candy isle. The troll behind the counter demanded I leave his store or buy something, but having no money I chose to remove my clothing, offering them up as payment for my brief stay. I felt this offer to be a fair one, yet the troll responded by shooting me in the groin with a Taser gun and dragging my naked body into the street.
Scared, lonely, and confused, I reverted to an old survival trick my brother had taught me, whereby you curl up in a ball and scream until you hyperventilate and black-out.
When I came to I was in the hospital. Tracy was sitting with me, according to her, I had a "massive concussion" brought on by blunt force trauma to the head. The doctor said the left side of my face is most likely paralyzed for life, but I'm not that concerned about it since I'm right handed. I think he also said something about permanent memory loss, but I don't recall.
I told Tracy all about the vortex and what's on the other side, but she just scoffed and told me I was seeing things because of my brain injury. I don't care what she says, I know what I saw, and it was real. This is the problem with some people, they think that just because you suffered a serious enough head trauma to paralyze your face, it might also be reasonable to expect you would hallucinate. Why was Tracy so willing to believe a stranger who told her there was a vortex in her office, but not a good friend who told her he passed through it? Isn't one story just as crazy as the other? I wish people would at least remain consistent in their nutty beliefs.
Pretty soon I'll be back on solid food and out of this hospital, and then I'm heading (no pun intended) back to that office for round two. I'm going to that other dimension again and this time I'm bringing my camera so everyone can see I'm not crazy. Not that I care, because I know I'm not crazy. Would a crazy person remember to duct tape a pillow to his head the second time he rammed it into a wall?