- a Pilipino bee keeper
- zero medical training
- slight retardation
- no social skills
- a fondness for pudding
Answer: they all perfectly describe the holistic practitioner I get my medical advice from.
His methods are unconventional to say the least. First off he doesn't believe in being nice to his patients, claiming kindness is a breeding ground for infection. Instead he yells and screams every word in his native tongue which scares the hell out of you until you realize he is stuttering, which then make you laugh uncontrollably.
He also believes in using the exact same method to treat every problem one might have. Weather it be a gun shot wound to the face or a case of the Mondays, Putangina Mo is convinced there is no greater medicine than that of the Bee Sting.
The piercing of flesh, stab of pain, and rush of adrenalin, along with the natural venom contained within the stinger, all combine to stimulate the body to heal. In some instances it causes death by anaphylactic shock or stroke, however this is very rare. Putangina Mo boasts that only eleven people have died in his office over the years, all of whom he insists were physical and emotional weaklings whose death was justified because it marginally increased the odds of finding an empty stall in a public restroom.
When I first met Putangina Mo I was dubious of his unconventional methods, but just as yersinia enterocolitica grows on spoiled bacon, so too did Putangina Mo grow on me.
I began to go to the Walmart parking lot where he held his weekly lectures on the power of the bee sting and soon found that just like those who believe Islam is a religion of peace, I as well could be duped into believing anything.
He spoke of how the medical community refused to acknowledge the benefits of bee sting therapy and how their opinions were ill informed because most doctors didn't have a pet bee at home or use honey in their tea, which displayed an obvious bias against the insect.
He discussed how it was a viable alternative to dangerous pharmaceutical drugs that often do not work and have bazar side effects like clay-colored stool and gas with oily discharge.
He also showed several security cam videos of his soon to be ex-wife having sex with a stranger outside a Pottery Barn, which had absolutely nothing to do with bees, but I appreciated the information non the less.
In the end I was so convinced bee sting therapy would work that I went home and dumped the contents of my first aid kit into the trash and refilled it with dozens of live bees (all of which suffocated within the hour).
So why don't health professionals encourage the use of bee sting therapy if it works so well?
I'm glad I asked myself that.
Many doctors believe it's dangerous because reactions from bee stings can vary so much from person to person. Typically no severe reaction should occur in a healthy person with a strong immune system. But those of us who refuse to exercise and only eat foods with at least twelve unpronounceable chemicals in the ingredient list, are more prone to negative side effects.
Apart from the dangers to the patient it should also be noted that using this particular method results in death for any bee involved.
Dr. Richard Head from the University of Learning Stuff (non accredited), is an entomologist who suggests that people like Putangina Mo are actively involved in a honey bee holocaust whose ultimate goal it to bring about the extinction of the insect. Dr. Head predicts that if bee sting practitioners like Putangina Mo continue the exercise of killing bees for medical purposes, the entire bee population could be wiped out by the year 6138.
PETA has also stuck it's wet little nose into the debate by issuing an incoherent public statement on the matter;
"Although most of us here at PETA don't really care about non-fuzzy animals, we do not condone the use of annoying bugs for medical or sexual purposes. If you or someone you know is involved in either of these activities please do the responsible thing by having your bee colony spayed and neutered."
With only about 50 insect sting deaths occurring each year in the U.S. (many related to Mo) it should be obvious that the risks of using this treatment is lower than Herve Villechaize in a pothole.
Now, having said all that, it is important for the reader to remember that all the information I have relayed comes directly from Putangina Mo, a man who scored a 7 on his I.Q. test (just below sea sponge). His main body of evidence for the efficacy of bee sting therapy comes from the individuals he treats on a daily basis and not from rigorous scientific testing.
Although anecdotal evidence is not considered relevant in the field of science it is difficult to dismiss an eighty year old woman who tells you she can once again wipe her own backside because bee sting therapy cured her arthritis. Or poo-poo someone who was able to do away with their glasses after letting a bee sting them on the eyeball.
These examples don't necessarily prove that bee stings are beneficial but they do show that at least a few people find relief from their ailments.
So my advice to anyone who cares to listen is to forget about your doctor the next time you crack a rib sneezing. Instead find yourself an active bee hive and start kicking it around like a severed head in an ISIS video. You may just find that your broken rib has healed better then it ever was, but most likely you'll just end up getting stung on the face.