Explore 9 exciting levels of Hell that bring to life the misery and anguish of the damned through amazing attractions, entertainment and dining! With so much to do day and night, the Pits of Hell will have you rushing out to murder a stranger just so God will banish you to their exhilarating depths.
Tortures of Hell Simulator
Ever wanted to know what it was like to burn in Hell without having to go through the hassle of shooting a cop? Would you like to show your children what awaits their future should they become an actor? Or perhaps you are just a masochist who thrills at having your testicles treated like a door stop?
Whatever the reason our Torture Simulator is designed to reproduce the punishment of any transgression. Just select the desired wrongdoing from our list of one hundred and twenty-eight thousand ascribed sins. Climb into the sound proof simulator designed to replicate the wrath of God. Put on the diaper provided. And prepare for the ride of a lifetime.
From small sins like stealing your grandfathers Preparation H, to unforgivable acts of violence again the Pope, our Torture Simulator is sure to terrify the most ardent of sinners and show them the way back to the Lord.
*The Tortures of Hell Simulator features 'Audio Capture' which records your cries of pain during the ride and converts them into a digital ring tone for your phone.
Zip Line Through Purgatory:
Strap on your harness and get ready to zip line over the depths of Purgatory while the suffering writhe below. As you wait anxiously for the starting signal, hold on tight as the malevolent voice of a disembowelled carnival barker begins the countdown to your thrilling ride. And then, take off!!!
Soar gracefully over endless rows of whimpering sinners whose flesh bubbles and pops from the heat of the surrounding flame. Watch as the tears boil on their cheeks while you sail above their heads comfortably in our ASA approved rigging. And why not increase the fun by purchasing a bucket of twenty balloons filled with goat urine to toss at the begging multitudes?
Do you dare ride the only attraction Satan himself called, "Kinda' like flying only completely different."
Here it is, the latest in a long history of world records set in the Pits of Hell: Damnation Express. Chosen by Guinness World Records as the ride with the most fatalities in a single day, Damnation Express is sure to have you wishing your mom had aborted you.
With a high likelihood of death, the fear becomes real as you nestle into the catapult scoop and await your launch. If all goes well, and it usually doesn't, you will be hurled 180 feet into the air, screaming louder than when you caught your parents having sex. You’ll experience incredible hang-time, not to mention the view of the century, before plummeting back down at speeds of up to 60mph. This is a once-in-a-lifetime thrill normally reserved for birds and suicides.
With a little luck, and if the operator is not drunk again, you will be caught safely in the same scoop that launched you on your way to freedom.
The dimly lit, elegantly appointed Midnight Sphincter Restaurant and Bar located on the ninth level, offers swanky signature cocktails, craft beer, and a sweeping view of the frozen lake of blood and guilt.
Each of the handcrafted cocktails in our lounge is served in a beautifully polished human skull designed to compliment your chosen beverage. For a libation unlike any other, try our world famous Politician, made with two parts pride, one part greed, and three parts gluttony, mixed with Hawaiian Punch, and served with a bowl of broken promises.
**Patrons are subject to poising without notice.
Stop by Dante's for one of our world famous Cruller's, made of rich, sweetened dough by one of our talented chefs, and deep fried in the finest human fat Hell has to offer. Come by on Tuesdays and get punched in the face by a fascist.
**Dante's reserves the right to spit on your donut.
Hitler's Wing's & Wine:
Come visit Adolf Hitler in his newly renovated bistro overlooking the river Styx. Here you will find spectacular dinners and incredible entrees that range in flavor from bad to not so good. Sing along with Hitler as he croons to the music of yesteryear and tells humorous anecdotes about his days of murdering Jews.
Our highly trained and friendly staff is here to cater to your every need (unless you are a gypsy), and ensure your evening in Hell will be one you never forget. But don't take our word for it, just listen to what a few satisfied customers had to say;
"Hitler does the best impression of Jackie Chan I've ever see! Wow, what a showman."
"The bathroom smells like sulphur and Hitler kept checking out my package. But the poutine is incredible."
"I think I found a toenail in my jalapeno popper however it wasn't mine so I'm not too worried about it."
Exotic Tortures Hotel:
The Exotic Tortures Hotel aims to please by guaranteeing our employees will never use your toilet when you are out, or hide under your bed while you sleep. We are also pleased to announce that our new policy forbidding staff members from hitting the guests has been a great success, with only six infractions this month.
These are just a few of the commitments Exotic Tortures make to you, the customer, to ensure your stay with us is the kind you will remember for the rest of that day.
-(mostly) bug free beds
-semi-clear tap water
-maid service between 2:00 am - 2:07 am
-unlimited relish packets
Bleeding Rectum Inn and Suites:
Contemporary furnishing and timeless elegance are reflected throughout every room of the newly opened, Bleeding Rectum Inn & Suites (name subject to change).
Each room features a queen size bed and two working toilets place side by side for those couples who do everything together. Spacious, bright, and so beautifully decorated you are sure to grow disgusted by the thought of returning to your own home.
A fully equipped gym and three relaxing spas with the capacity for 12 people (4 if you're from Texas), allows for much needed relaxation after a long day of watching sinners burn.
Book your room before the first of the month and receive a free berating.
Hotel Overrated is located in the heart of Hell, only a few short miles from the nearest toilet. Upon entering this charming and pungent hotel, you will immediately be struck with a welcoming atmosphere that helps to quell any homicidal urges you may be feeling. Hotel Overrated boasts 666 rooms, including 40 deluxe rooms, 127 superior rooms, 90 suites, 419 shit holes, and 2 sex dungeons.
All rooms (except the shit holes) are equipped with free hangers and a spectacular view of the television. A safe for your valuables is likewise standard, but since all our employees know the combinations, we suggest you refrain from using it.
We hope this brief guide was helpful (we don't really care) in making your decision to visit the depths of Hell. For a more detailed description of what awaits you in the afterlife please visit thespiritualbeacon.net